Mystery Solved!

As we have previously discussed, Chuckweasel talks weird.  Of course, HE says I’M the one who talks weird, but I think we all know who’s right, don’t we?  And now I have PROOF — because I know WHY!

We DJ’d a Winter Formal for Chuckweasel’s old high school this weekend, and they did that hokey thing where they announce each couple as they come in.  You know, “Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Hoody Hoo and Mister Chuck Weasel.”  Which I hate, for one thing, ’cause I was always the nerdy girl without a date, and for two, because if you’re going to do the announcing yourself, WHY DID YOU HIRE DJ’S???  But I digress.

Anyhoo, the lady they had doing the announcing was Chuckweasel’s old English teacher.  And at first I thought our wireless mic was fucked up, because I couldn’t understand a damn thing she said.  Then Chuckweasel informed me:

SHE HAS

A

SPEECH

IMPEDIMENT.

Yes, Hooligans, one of the people responsible for the way Chuckweasel talks… can’t talk right.  Thank GAWD she was his HIGH SCHOOL English teacher, so at least he’d had some training before she got her lisping hands on him!  Only in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny does this shit happen — I wonder if his gym teacher was a paraplegic?

This weekend also taught us that high school children know very well that the words to the CeeLo Green song are not really “Forget You,” because even when you play the clean version they still sing the dirty version and give their mean-ass assistant principal a coronary. (We thought it was funny, and seriously, my own position is I’d rather they said it than did it!)  I was also witness to the largest single incidence of “Cotton Eye Joe” that I have ever seen in my life — which to me is proof the lil’ bassurds snuck in liquor!

And on a completely unrelated note, my latest inappropriate TV crush is the fae detective on “Lost Girl” (the white one, not the black one, ’cause I think the black one is a satyr and they’re hell on the carpets).  Here’s the inappropriate part:  I really only think he’s cute when he’s doing the “supernatural creature gonna eat your face off” snarl.  So, we’re up to a Viking vampire, a snarky midget, and now a faery cop.  Chuckweasel can rest easy!

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41 Comments

Filed under C'est Vrai You Suck, Chuckweasel, He's the DJ I'm the Rapper, My Secret Shame(s), Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, Twu Wuuv, WTF???

41 responses to “Mystery Solved!

  1. Hahahah that must have been one influential teacher…

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  2. It’s like that episode of the Simpsons where Lisa’s campaign promise is “to get a Spanish teacher who actually speaks Spanish.” How did she make it past the interview?

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  3. I had a drama teacher once who was cripplingly shy. She could barely get up in front of the class. Didn’t last too long.

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  4. “The largest single incidence of “Cotton Eye Joe” that I have ever seen in my life” – my god, I am just picturing this . . . my brain is flooded with memories of 1992!! Shudder. Let me off this crazy ride!

    Then again, isn’t that Wes’ByGawd Virginny’s national Anthem?

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  5. Apparently CeeLo’s song is to the 2010’s as Mony Mony was to the 1990’s…

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  6. I’m pretty sure you’ll have to come to Wyoming for the largest incident of Cotton Eye Joe. I think it has been one of our university fight songs since the original, waaaaay before it was remixed. 10,000 students stomping? You betcha.

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  7. kay

    Hey, that teacher must be related to one that taught English here in Missouri. “Today, cwass, we ah going to be using the wibwawy weseach woom.” For real.

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  8. So what you’re saying is I should NOT go into storage, dust off the boots, the wranglers, and (most likely paisley) body suits? Well, unless I plan to move to WBGV?

    Also? My sophomore year English teacher had us read “every other chapter” of The Grapes of Wrath because “THEY WEREN’T NECESSARY TO THE PLOT.” He lasted long enough for me not to even remember his name.

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    • Guuurl, iffen you lived ’round here, them thangs’d never been to storage attall! And I had a Jr high English teacher tell us to get the Cliff’s notes on several things because “you won’t understand them anyway.” Bitch, I read that shit in 3rd grade!

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  9. Ha, one of my roomies from college has a speech impediment. This led to some problematic conversations where she would say something and I would absentmindedly answer what I THOUGHT she was saying to the tune of, “I haven’t seen your hamster. I didn’t even know you HAD a hamster.” Good thing she wasn’t my English professor or I would have been completely confused by the presence of hamsters in Great Expectations.

    I told my two older kids the real lyrics to “Forget You.” They just looked at me like, so? I didn’t tell them that I’d rather have them singing the original lyrics because “forget you” doesn’t even scan correctly in the song. Hmph.

    I agree BTW, that detective is pretty when he’s angry.

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  10. Lizzybeth

    My daughter’s first grade teacher has a lisp. She was from….. wait for it….West Virginnie. Truth can be stranger than fiction.

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  11. What is this show, “Lost Girl?” If it has hot fairies, I need to be watching it.

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  12. Our basketball coach was an extreme sexist. He hated girls. He also taught our driver’s ed class. He would ignore all the girls in the class like they weren’t there. On their days to drive he would tell them where to turn, but was quiet the rest of the time.

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  13. I work with a girl (actually a bitch) that has a lisp and I swear to God, no one even noticed until one day I said “That bitch and her lisp” and of course, with her being a bitch, I mocked her and her lisp. Suddenly everyone’s all “OH MY GOD YOU’RE RIGHT we never noticed!” Wha?

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  14. Maybe that teacher has relatives in my hubby’s home town – they all talk strange! It’s a southern thang.

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  15. Jen

    Oh, God. . .SO. MUCH. LOVE for “Lost Girl”! That and “Being Human” are my raison d’etre on Monday nights.

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  16. Chris Cochran

    I LOVE “LOST GIRL”! Of course I have only seen first four episodes due to not finding it free anywhere. He was good in Tudors too.

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  17. SassC

    I am COMPLETELY crushing on Kris Holden-Reid! Did you see it when he was looking for the toothbrush? (swoon) I like him snarly, I like him nice, I like him in his clothes and I lurrve him out of his shirt.

    Like

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