I mentioned in yesterday’s comments that I can’t decide which PSA I hate — the marriage one or the stroke one. I’m heavily leaning toward the stroke one, actually there are two, but one really ignites my rage. Here’s why:
I’m driving peacefully along, waiting for Glenn Beck to start crying (like ya do), when the commercial break comes on. And it’s this man saying “Have you ever had problems understanding what people are saying?” But he says it all fucked up — like “Have you problems had saying people understanding what ever are?” Like a very drunk Yoda. And I get it, I get it — you’re illustrating the symptoms of a stroke, Mr PSA Man. But guess what, asshole?
YOU MADE ME THINK I’D HAD A STROKE.
In the CAR. On the INTERSTATE. YOU DICK.
And also? Everyone who uses any kind of siren in their commercials or music (except the drag queen party siren — I like that) needs a kick in the junk. Stop making me look for imaginary police!
Now onto the etc. — random crap I’ve noticed lately.
1. If you are at the greasy sammich-and-biscuit joint and you take 10 whole minutes to order because of all your special dietary requirements, YOU SHOULD NOT BE AT THE GREASY SAMMICH-AND-BISCUIT JOINT!
2. Counter girl, all I ordered was tea. I can see the tea from here. Stop sacking up other people’s biscuits and GIMME MY TEA!
3. I should perhaps be medicated while driving. For example, #1 and #2.
And finally, although political commercials are already getting so annoying I don’t know how we’re gonna make it to November, they’re all a hell of a lot funnier if you add “Yo mama” at the end. For instance:
Announcer dude: “Who’s the candidate who knows how to bring back American jobs?”
Hoody Hoo: Yo mama.
It’s like the time Chuckweasel and I got so tickled for no reason by the phrase “in Haifa.” I don’t really remember what horrible thing I had said to get it started, but for the rest of the day everything was “in Haifa” and we thought it was HILARIOUS.
CW: Babe, what are you doing?
HH: I’m cleaning out the closet… IN HAIFA.
See, I don’t know why, but it’s just funny! That, or we need help. More help, that is.
hoodyhoo 
I HATE THE SIRENS ON THE RADIO!!! The station I listen to plays them before the traffic and it gets me every. fucking. time. HATE it.
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Isn’t there a law or something???
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Sirens and horns should never be allowed on the radio.
I despise any and all medical “infomercials.” It brings out the hypochondriac in me big time. Hell, I can’t even watch those Head and Shoulders commercials without thinking I have dandruff after. And I don’t even want to go into what I think after a Preparation H commercial.
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Don’t feel bad, I’m fairly sure I have erectile dysfunction due to my enlarged prostate. TV told me.
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The sound of squealing brakes too…. crazy making!
Sometimes things are funny just because they’re funny. That’s the best part!
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I tested the Haifa thing again today — still funny!
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So glad that I’m not the only one the fake sirens fool…Yo mama.
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Yo mama is right!
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There is this one song. I can’t remember what it is, but it gets me EVERY DAMN TIME. Like, I know it is a song with sirens in it. I know it. But I still automatically slow down and look around about mid-way through that damn song. Hateful!
Oh, and I hear sitting on a cliff in a bathtub next to your spouse (also in a tub) cures erectile dysfunction. TV done taught me that as well.
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Seriously- why pay a fancy urologist when reptile dysfunction is cured by a claw foot tub purchase?
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Ladies, riddle me this : if they want to bang so bad, why are they in separate tubs?
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Also, I know a lady who lived in Malaysia for a while and had baaaaaaad reptile dysfunction — fucking geckos on the ceiling!
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By the by- the urologists I work with get really annoyed when you cal it ‘reptile dysfunction’, sorry guys didn’t mean to take the ‘classy’ from that one….
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But what if the problem with your penis is there’s a snake hanging off it? That there is a reptile dysfunction!
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Pet peeve time: I hate when radio or TV commercials (or promos) use that “needle skidding across a record” sound effect to insinuate an abrupt stop. Totally outdated… hell, there’s a generation of kids listening to the radio right now that have never heard this sound anywhere but in commercials. So knock it off!
In other news, I refuse to even consider taking a drug where the disclaimer takes up more time than the reasons why you should take it.
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I don’t think kids even know what that sound is anymore — and my favorite drugs are the ones with side effects worse than the disease!
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I was listening to NPR the other day and they were interviewing someone in some place where there were sirens and friggen helcopters and angry protesters shouting and even some guns going off. I was all, “DUDE! I AM NOT DRIVING IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD. And EVEN IF I WAS, there are only 40,000 people in this town.” But I still ducked when the choppers went over.
Hate. HAAAAAATE it.
And I answer almost all “what” questions with “Your mom,” these days. Must be something in the air.
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“Your mom” is the perfect response in all situations. Try it, you’ll see!
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I will add, to your hatred of sirens on the radio, the sound of phones ringing in the middle of songs. I hate when they do that!
Pearl
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The doorbell sound they use on all the Law and Orders sound exactly like mine — can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to get up and check!
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Yes YEs YES! to the sirens thing. And honking horns. And phones ringing. I don’t know why the phone ring gets me since my phone is always on vibrate and, if it did have the sound on, is set to ring like R2D2. Also? TV commercials with a doorbell. They drive my cats nuts.
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See above comment CJ always thinks the pizza’s here!
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Yes, all ads and songs with sirens and honking car horns should be BANNED. I don’t know how many times I’ve pulled out my Glock ready to blast some asshole fucker for honking at me for no good reason at all only to realize the offending honk was coming from the radio.
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I also have an irrational fear that I have a car alarm and don’t know it – they scare me every time!
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When my wife sees a deer, she doesn’t just calmly say “There’s a deer over there.” She screeches out, “DEER!” Jumps and points. It scares me to death making me think I am about to hit it. It is usually in a field 40 feet or more from the road. I can’t get her to stop. Soon I will crash into a telephone pole to avoid the thing that is nowhere near the road.
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I do that too — but with more “adult language ” as they say. I believe the last time was “Fuck! Is that fucking Mothra?”
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I’ve given up on the TV until after the election. Probably, next January, though. That will give whatever side loses enough time to quit whining about how the world is ending. So, for the next year, I’m getting all my news from blogs and Facebook.
This should end well.
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And exactly how is this different from your usual?
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There was a kid’s show where a character answered the question “Who’s the president of the United States?” with “Oprah!” I’m hoping it wasn’t a reality show, but I’m not sure. Anyhow, for MONTHS after that, my kids would yell “Oprah!” in answer to any random question. I think I’m going to try that on political commercials: Who’s the candidate who knows how to bring back American jobs? “Oprah!” I might add “in Haifa!” every now and again just to change things up.
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Does that make creepy Gayle the first lady? And btw, I used to kick ass at Trivial Pursuit by answering every question I didn’t know with “Pete Rose!” surprising how often that was right!
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what kind of a monster would ever want glenn beck to cry?! 😉
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Dude, his tears taste like sunshine and unicorn kisses! And if you’re waiting for him NOT to cry, you better pack a lunch!
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I yell at the commercials like they can hear me. It makes me feel better in an oddly strange way. Of course, I have no idea what the other drivers think of me alone in my car yelling AT the radio.
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For that, we turn to page 309 in your prayer books… ” And Jesus said, ‘Fuck ’em.'”
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I totally get the “in Haifa” humor. We have that in our house, also. It’s a real coping strategy–for dealing with the inane, boring aspects of daily life. I can say to my husband “I’m cleaning the bathroom now” or “Whatever, seacow…I’m a gonna go clean the bathroom now”, and you can guess which one is more fun.
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Anytime the Weasel tells me I’m a genius, it means he fucked something up & the solution was the one I suggested an hour ago. Twu Wuv at its finest!
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I just stumbled upon your blog and this post cracked me up. There’s a song by the Script that has a siren sound in it that makes me check my rearview mirror. Every. Time.
And love the greasy sammich tirade. Love.
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I’m serious, I want a damn ordinance about the siren thing. And about the greasy sammich thing, while we’re making up laws!
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There was a young girl in the “infusion bay” next to me who was watching TV and had Ru Paul s reality drag show blaring.
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