Reading IS Fundamental

So, now I’m back… from outer space… shit, gratuitous Gloria Gaynor reference!  Let’s try this again.  I’m back from pretty much every piece of my body that has ever had anything wrong with it joining together to kick MY ass off the island… E tu, inner ears?… but anyhoo…

So obviously from y’all’s response to my last actual post, we’re all at about the same level of fucked-up-titude (except Shane, who deserves a kick in the nuts for bringing up “Dark Crystal”!).  But I don’t want to give the impression that Dear Sweet Mama just let me run around all willy-nilly (do the hand gesture, Chuckweasel!) without benefit of parental supervision!  For instance, THIS happened:

Scene:  INT Hoody’s Childhood Living Room, Evening:

8-ish year old Hoody is watching one of the hallowed three channels on the big-ass wooden console TV.  Dear Sweet Mama is in the bathtub 2 rooms away, and Lil’ Hoody is taking advantage of this by sitting far too close to the TV.

Lil’ Hoody  (hollering):  MAMA!

Bathing DSM (I was gonna abbreviate this as “BDSM”, then I realized that’s done been tooken!): (hollering back):  WHAT?

LH:  Can I watch this show with John Wayne in it?

DSM:  Yeah, probably… what’s it called?

(remember, there was no guide channel in those days, you either got off your ass and found the TV Guide or you waited for the titles.  I chose the latter.)

LH:  I dunno!

DSM:  Well, find out and tell me what it is!

CUT TO: INT, Hoody’s Childhood Bathroom, Shortly Later

(DSM is in the tub with bubbles and a wet cloth over her eyes.  I’m relatively… okay, sorta sure this had nothing to do with me… at least, not YET.)

LH (opening door):  It’s called “The Virgin.”

DSM (aghast) : The WHAT?

LH:  “The Virgin.” With John Wayne.

(Whereupon DSM leaps nekkid from the tub, snatching her towel and screeching)


Anyhoo, for those of y’all playing along at home, you may realize that DSM thundered into the living room to switch off what she thought was porn… only to find I was watching “The Virginian.”  NOT the same thing.

And yes, I now know John Wayne was not in that movie, but when I was little any hero with a cowboy hat was John Wayne.  And any detective was Mike Hammer… until Magnum P.I. came along.  But that’s another story…




Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, At the Movies, Chuckweasel, Getchore LEARN on!, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, Youse Guys

21 responses to “Reading IS Fundamental

  1. Hahahha easy to get em confused. My friend was reading out loud once and she said orgy. She meant ogre.


    • I also used to say “anxious” as “ank-NAUsesous” — (hey, I’d only ever read it, not heard it!) — this resulted in no end of confusion for DSM, who kept wondering why Christmas made me vomit!


  2. I really think your “script” needs some illustration. I lost my shit picturing a mom-type person scrambling out of the tub like an ejector seat was deployed thinking her kid was watching porn…


  3. I’m actually more surprised that 8 y.o. Hoody didn’t see that title and instead think it said “The Virgina.” That would have been cause for even more concern I believe.


  4. The fact that DSM thought there was porn on over-the-air network TV makes me wonder if she was in there snorting soap bubbles…


  5. Ha, that reminds me of the time I was playing at a friend’s house, age 13. Three of us were over there. My mom called from work to check up on me and Friend #1’s mom (a bit of a ditz) commented casually that she thought I had herpes. Mom tore back from LA, burst into the house, sees me playing on the floor and demands, “Are you ok?”
    I was like, “Um, yeah?”
    “Lynn said you had herpes!”
    “Oh, no that’s [Friend #2].”
    “She has a cold sore.”
    To this day, I have no idea why my mother didn’t ask a few clarifying questions….but that’s motherhood for you. The mind is the first thing to go.


  6. John Wayne in a porno. . . “Fill your mouth, you son of a bitch!”


  7. Oh, geez. I don’t know if I wanted to know about your mother being naked. Ever. It’s one of those “I’ve got a mom, too, and maybe she is also sometimes naked” things.


  8. Jen

    That’s how I felt about the movie “Snatch”. Imagine my dismay when it did not, in fact, turn out to be porn. Meh…


  9. Dear Sweet Mama

    I seem to remember a lot of your childhood involving me either screaming and running around nekkid or lying in the bath with a cool cloth on my eyes. No wonder I am so wrinkly and clothes adverse.


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