So, now I’m back… from outer space… shit, gratuitous Gloria Gaynor reference! Let’s try this again. I’m back from pretty much every piece of my body that has ever had anything wrong with it joining together to kick MY ass off the island… E tu, inner ears?… but anyhoo…
So obviously from y’all’s response to my last actual post, we’re all at about the same level of fucked-up-titude (except Shane, who deserves a kick in the nuts for bringing up “Dark Crystal”!). But I don’t want to give the impression that Dear Sweet Mama just let me run around all willy-nilly (do the hand gesture, Chuckweasel!) without benefit of parental supervision! For instance, THIS happened:
Scene: INT Hoody’s Childhood Living Room, Evening:
8-ish year old Hoody is watching one of the hallowed three channels on the big-ass wooden console TV. Dear Sweet Mama is in the bathtub 2 rooms away, and Lil’ Hoody is taking advantage of this by sitting far too close to the TV.
Lil’ Hoody (hollering): MAMA!
Bathing DSM (I was gonna abbreviate this as “BDSM”, then I realized that’s done been tooken!): (hollering back): WHAT?
LH: Can I watch this show with John Wayne in it?
DSM: Yeah, probably… what’s it called?
(remember, there was no guide channel in those days, you either got off your ass and found the TV Guide or you waited for the titles. I chose the latter.)
LH: I dunno!
DSM: Well, find out and tell me what it is!
CUT TO: INT, Hoody’s Childhood Bathroom, Shortly Later
(DSM is in the tub with bubbles and a wet cloth over her eyes. I’m relatively… okay, sorta sure this had nothing to do with me… at least, not YET.)
LH (opening door): It’s called “The Virgin.”
DSM (aghast) : The WHAT?
LH: “The Virgin.” With John Wayne.
(Whereupon DSM leaps nekkid from the tub, snatching her towel and screeching)
Angry, Wet DSM: NO YOU MAY NOT WATCH THAT!
Anyhoo, for those of y’all playing along at home, you may realize that DSM thundered into the living room to switch off what she thought was porn… only to find I was watching “The Virginian.” NOT the same thing.
And yes, I now know John Wayne was not in that movie, but when I was little any hero with a cowboy hat was John Wayne. And any detective was Mike Hammer… until Magnum P.I. came along. But that’s another story…