Gather ‘Round, Kiddies

Sometimes I wonder why I’m like this… then I remember the children’s books I grew up reading…

In the Night Kitchen

Dude, saw that kid’s penis.  ‘Nuff said.

Oh, and also?

PENIS.

Where the Wild Things Are

What do you do with the book that gave MY en-tire generation the screaming nightmares?  Oh, yeah, let’s make it into a MOVIE to fuck up the next batch!

The Secret of NIMH

Messages:  1)  Your government is EVIL.  Sleep tight.

2) Rats and mice and everything else have their own lives and                          personalities… AND THEY HATE YOU.

Then you had to go and make the movie version with the distressingly uber-hot Justin Rat… way to fuck up my nascent sexuality!

And while we’re on movies… “Dot and the Kangaroo.”  SERIOUSLY?  I remember the Bunyip, the Bunyip, and nothing but the Bunyip.  I’m 35 years old, and if you sing the Bunyip song, I will lose my shit and hide under the bed.  Plus, I’m now freaked out by cave paintings.  Thanks, Australia!

‘Nother movie, “The Last Unicorn.”  “Mama, what’s suicide?”  “It’s what you feel like committing after watching that movie, sweetie.”

And here’s a tip — ANY. TOLKIEN. EVER. is far too advanced for little kiddies, so WHY did you make a CARTOON? (look it up, children).  That they showed us in GRADE SCHOOL?  Yeah, that’s a fabulous idea… and the reason you can make me pee my pants by saying “My PRECIOUSSSSSSS.”

That’s not even addressing the fact that my DAYCARE CENTER showed us “Creepshow” (yeah, still don’t swim in lakes with those wooden docks in ’em).  COME ON!

I’m sure I’m forgetting something… what scared/scarred you?

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64 Comments

Filed under At the Movies, La Vida Loca, WTF???

64 responses to “Gather ‘Round, Kiddies

  1. There was some movie in the early 60s about giant mutated grasshoppers who were attacking and then were lured to their deaths by a boat broadcasting mating calls from the middle of a lake or something.
    To this day I am terrified of 1. anything insectile and 2. sex near water.

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  2. There was a black and white movie called The Ghost Lady that they showed at like 9:00 on a Sunday morning… back when we had 3 channels. I can still picture the ghost (and do when I am alone in the dark)- Thanks for letting me watch that, Mom!

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  3. HAHHHHHHHAAAAAAA!@Hot Justin! Are you inside my brain?

    We got a satellite when I was in second grade, and I watched whatever was on, because I was just so fucking amazed that we had more than three channels. The big fucking octopus on “Popeye” (the movie with Robin Williams) still fucks with me, and is probably part of why I am afraid to swim in the ocean.

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  4. ann

    My niece brought over Corraline, an animated “kids” movie about a giant spider who plucks the eyes out of little children before killing them while masquerading as their mother. I don’t know how she sleeps at night, because I am now afraid to close my eyes.

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  5. I got Where the Wild Things Are as a young boy and loved it! Never really took it too seriously. (hated the movie though… )

    I’ll tell you what really messed up my shit… those goddamned flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. Freakin’ things just creeped me the hell out.

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  6. Edwin Drooooooood

    I don’t remember the name of it, but there was this one movie, where a woman’s throat started swelling and swelling until it exploded. When I was 9 years old, that really disturbed me. Aaaaand it still does.

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  7. The Gremlins. Still can’t sleep with my arms or legs hanging off the bed; I’m too afraid the gremlins under my bed will grab at them.

    ET: Where they have ET and the kid in the makeshift hospital, and everyone is in hazmat suits? Scary.

    Ahnold. No joke. My dad rented the original Terminator movie when I was a toddler, and I had nightmares all through high school.

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  8. The scene from hocus pocus where the zombie’s mouth is stitched shut and he cuts it open with a knife. ICK!

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  9. When I was in the second grade, they showed us Something Wicked This Way Comes, and I don’t even remember the specifics, I’ve blocked it out, but there were several things in that movie that terrified me.

    And I don’t know what it is about writers thinking that dead dogs are what every kid wants to read about and see, but between Old Yeller and Where the Red Fern Grows, I was completely traumatized.

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    • Totally with you – it’s possible to write a book without killing a child or a pet, really it is! And “Something Wicked” is why I haven’t ridden a carousel since I was 10.

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  10. Jo

    The Birds. That damned movie scared me so bad I used to dream about the hole in the ceiling with all the birds around it.
    Twilight Zone. That shit should have been off-limits to all kids. Worms in the brain. Dear gawd.

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  11. “That’s not even addressing the fact that my DAYCARE CENTER showed us “Creepshow” (yeah, still don’t swim in lakes with those wooden docks in ‘em). COME ON!”

    Wow! That’s a pretty disturbing movie! Speaking of which, when I was a kid, I went to a day camp where they showed us the first Pee Wee Herman movie. I was scared of clowns for weeks after that!

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  12. Barb

    The clown in Poltergeist.

    The little thing with a knife in Trilogy of Terror (Karen Black is pretty scary herself).

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    • Gah! Totally with you on both counts. That freakin’ clown is the worst thing in Polergeist, to me.

      And I never did see the actual show Trilogy of Terror. All it took was a couple of screen shots in the TV Guide and there was no way I could watch that show.

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      • Karen Black fucks me up no matter what she’s in — and giving your kid that clown should count as child abuse!

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        • guinspeg

          My brother and cousin nearly burned our house down after watching Trilogy of Terror. They tried to kill Barbie and Michael Jackson dolls in the oven… just like in the movie. You can imagine how impressed the parents were. I often remind them that they let us watch those terrifying films so they were to blame for the various reenactments and ensuing nightmares. Crazy to think that we were allowed.

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  13. Haha, I read The Hobbit when I was 6 and got through it ok, but then I tried to read the Lord of the Rings when I was 7 and had screaming nightmares about Gollum. My mom had to take the book away.

    There was a Shirley Temple movie that was on TV when I was a kid, where there is a house fire and the dad and little girl escape, but the mom is hit on the head with a falling brick and dies in the fire. That movie has a lot to do with my lifelong fear of fire.

    Anyone remember a movie where the two kids are imprisoned and there’s a giant playroom full of life-size toys? I want to say it’s Escape from Witch Mountain or Return to Witch Mountain, but I’m not sure. My childhood dreams would have been quite formless without that playroom.

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  14. You have named all my favorites: Dot and the Kangaroo, Secret of Nimh and The Last Unicorn (a uuuuuuunicorn! It’s a uuuuuuunicorn!) Which perhaps explains a lot about me.

    But how about Jumanji? Dude, before there was a movie those monkeys lived in my mind. I did NOT need a movie. And I really didn’t need the movie while I worked in a video store and we played it nonstop for weeks.

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  15. “Bridge To Terebithia”. . .dead kid. “Beat The Turtle Drum”. . .dead kid. “Diary of Anne Frank”. . .dead German kid. “A Separate Peace”. . .dead hot kid. Who the fuck was planning this grade school curriculum!?!?

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  16. -Poltergeist
    -Children of the Corn
    -Left Behind? (not sure the name but they played it in my very religious Baptist school when I was like 9, and it was about the rapture and everyone going up to heaven and only the non-repentant people being left behind in this pseudo hell. Freaked me out so bad!).

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  17. The first time I saw the last unicorn I WAS TERRIFIED of the red bull! It was so scary!!!
    Did love and watch that film a lot though, because i adored unicorns – not bulls

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  18. Nothing beats SpongeBob.

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  19. Dear Sweet Mama

    Barbarella. Still scared of dolls with teeth and Jane Fonda.

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  20. I haven’t heard of any of these books. Although I think thaty Wild one is a movie. Conclusion? You are crazy .

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  21. Hoody. Hoody, Hoody, Hoody. I thought we had already discussed this. No disappearing for a week without some type of update. We worry. I already have 2 kids I worry about. I don’t need a grown one to wonder and stress over as well. CHECK IN. Jeesh!

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  22. I think I’ve blocked out most of the books/movies/tv that scarred me as a child. Except for Mr. Rogers. Something about that show creeped me out.

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  23. But I liked Secret of Nimh and The Last Unicorn. I think it was Justin Rat’s voice that did it for me.

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  24. Your daycare center showed you Creepshow? WTF? What did they show you on Valentine’s Day, Porky’s?

    Remember The Dark Crystal. That was some scary shit, too. AND I have to say, now that I think about it, that the Rats of NIMH was totally loaded with too much testosterone. Not one female character in there I could have had a crush on. Unfair. Maybe that’s why I decided to learn German. Fascist rats.

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    • FUCK Shane! Leave it to you to bring up the fucking Skeksis! Now all i can hear is them saying “Geeeeelllfling” and clicking those creepy nails!

      And what ya mean, you’re too good for Mrs Brisby? She was a widow , ya know.

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  25. Pingback: Reading IS Fundamental | hoodyhoo

  26. I know this is super late, but I am catching up on your archives and I just had to throw mine in here. When I was a kid we watched Legend, Dark Crystal, Secret of Nimh, The Last Unicorn (which by the way makes me very sad as an adult) but the creepiest movie ever is Watership Down…and I loved it as a child!

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