Gimme a “W”

Finally got time to watch the new season premiere of “Jersey Shore” (DON’T JUDGE ME!) and Oh. Mah. GAWD.

Snooki, honey?  Your friend Ryder is NOT your friend, she’s the world’s biggest whore.  She allegedly comes to visit YOU, but always finds time to fuck at least one of your friends?  Girl, you aren’t her friend, you’re her PIMP.  Make that bitch slip you a hundo.

I’m not saying, in my own misspent youth, that I didn’t occasionally bang the friends-of-friends… or, okay, the boyfriends-of-friends… and yeah, occasionally, the friends-of-boyfriends (that’s what you get when you invite me up then get drunk and pass out, pussy!).  But SERIOUSLY?  That girl is her very own disease-cluster!  She’s the Kevin Bacon of STD’s!

Little sisters, remember — BOYS. TALK.  Like on “JS” where they were all asking each other if they had their MetroCard (because, like the bus, everybody gets to Ryder, get it?).  Y’all don’t want to be THAT girl, you can’t afford the ointment.

And also — when the girls were all chatting in the ladies’ room and the Scary Titty one made them turn on the water so people wouldn’t hear her pee?  Baby girl, we SAW you pee a couple seasons ago!  In the FLOOR.  At a BAR.  I think we can hear a little tinkle without losing our shit!