Gimme a “W”

Finally got time to watch the new season premiere of “Jersey Shore” (DON’T JUDGE ME!) and Oh. Mah. GAWD.

Snooki, honey?  Your friend Ryder is NOT your friend, she’s the world’s biggest whore.  She allegedly comes to visit YOU, but always finds time to fuck at least one of your friends?  Girl, you aren’t her friend, you’re her PIMP.  Make that bitch slip you a hundo.

I’m not saying, in my own misspent youth, that I didn’t occasionally bang the friends-of-friends… or, okay, the boyfriends-of-friends… and yeah, occasionally, the friends-of-boyfriends (that’s what you get when you invite me up then get drunk and pass out, pussy!).  But SERIOUSLY?  That girl is her very own disease-cluster!  She’s the Kevin Bacon of STD’s!

Little sisters, remember — BOYS. TALK.  Like on “JS” where they were all asking each other if they had their MetroCard (because, like the bus, everybody gets to Ryder, get it?).  Y’all don’t want to be THAT girl, you can’t afford the ointment.

And also — when the girls were all chatting in the ladies’ room and the Scary Titty one made them turn on the water so people wouldn’t hear her pee?  Baby girl, we SAW you pee a couple seasons ago!  In the FLOOR.  At a BAR.  I think we can hear a little tinkle without losing our shit!

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32 Comments

Filed under I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), Weep for Humanity, WTF???

32 responses to “Gimme a “W”

  1. I think the weirdest thing I’ve ever read about Jersey Shore is that Scary Tit Girl has two college degrees. Also, will someone please just take “The Situation” out in the alley and tape him to the dumpster and sell baseball bats to passersby for a quarter each?

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    • Scary Titty Girl has been to COLLEGE? I wouldn’t think she could even spell it! And here’s the situation, “Situation:” You are too old and gnarly-looking to be hanging out in bars with the kiddos. It’s fucking creepy, just quit!

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  2. I need to catch up. I Love/hate this show. I love to hate it. I miss it.

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  3. Jen

    As someone who prides herself on her shittacular taste in TV, how have I NEVER seen “Jersey Shore”? I’ve gotta start NetFlixing that crap.

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  4. I watch Toddlers and Tiaras to feel like a better parent. It’s clear to me that I need to watch Jersey Shore to feel like a better human being.

    I am not the “sleep with your friends/boyfriend” girl. I am, however, the “make out with your boyfriend’s friend” girl. Questionable choices, I’m all over them. I would never name a kid — especially a girl — Ryder, though. WTF, parents?

    And I totally believe Scary has two college degrees. They let anyone in these days. Ask Jen. Also, college is pretty much the only place you can make a life out of whoring and partying.

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  5. I have not seen the hot mess that is Jersey Shore, either. I have, however, gotten a huge kick out of Beavis and Butthead making fun of them ad nauseam on their show. Am I the only one who did leaps of joy when it came back on? Oh, and thanks to MTV, I now have the Proactiv commercial memorized and could connect the dots on Katy Perry’s face pre-treatment. With my eyes closed.

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  6. Not even Beavis and Butthead will make me turn to the MTV. I thought I heard that The Situation was actually a sweet guy from when he was on Dancing with the Stars – which I also don’t watch. The only reason I know who you are talking about is because we watch The Soup. The fact that people like this are famous makes me very sad, but good for them. Milk those STDs for all its worth!

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  7. Seriously, if I want to watch whores work, I can just head down to Colfax in Denver and watch them do their stuff. It’s actually kinda fun watching them come in to the Denver Diner at 5AM for their oily coffee and cold eggs.

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  8. I have never seen the show, so I can’t judge too harshly, but the little I know about it, I can’t figure out what the draw is.

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  9. It makes me sad that Snooki can get published and I can’t. Maybe I need to show my boobs more.

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  10. Ann

    Just found your blog. Made my day!

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  11. Mami like a busstop, e’rybody Ryderrrrr!

    Didn’t he say something like that? What a joke that poor, little sad girl is. So yucktastic.

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  12. Found you through Fetch My Flying Monkeys…. love your style! You make me laugh. I feel like I can hear your voice!

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  13. Oh I shamelessly watch Jersey Shore. Just to hate myself for doing so when it’s over.

    One time I spent an hour watching all the Jersey Shore Dailies on MTV.com, which were mostly JWOWW putting tanning lotion on.

    When it was done, I was depressed when I realized it was an hour of my life I shall never get back.

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  14. Seriously, they’re all pretty skanky, whorey, and probably festering up their own strain of STD on that show. I never miss an episode.

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  15. I’m scurred and going to hide now.

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