The Collar Conundrum

It only took a little over a year, but Chuckweasel and I learned a VERY IMPORTANT DJ LESSON this weekend… it involves what I like to call “The Collar Conundrum” (damn I love that word!).

The thing is this:  When you have an office party, you’re fine as long as you’re all — basically — the same thing.  Like, you’re all nurses and nurses’ aides and other nurse-related jobs… or you’re all teachers and principals and what have you.  You’re all likely to be around the same age and have REASONABLY similar tastes in music, so PARTY ON, MOTHERFUCKERS!

The problem arises when your business is more on the manual labor side of the equation. That’s when your office party divides into 2 diametrically-opposite sides — the workers and the bosses.  The blue-collar, laborer-type folks will want to get real drunk and sing along to country music (especially “Take This Job and Shove It”), while the white-collar administrative folks will want to get real drunk WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING and do the White Guy Shuffle to disco and Eric Clapton.

We shoulda known there was gonna be trouble when half the party-goers showed up wearing sport coats and slacks and the other half came in wearing biker jackets and thigh-high boots (note to that lady — just because your boots come up to your ass does not mean they are pants).  We REALLY knew it was gonna get weird when the Really Big Boss asked us to play some dance music instead of — and I quote — “country AND western.”

Next year, they have to give us a song list… or a water pistol.  Preferably full of tequila.

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25 Comments

Filed under Chuckweasel, He's the DJ I'm the Rapper, La Vida Loca

25 responses to “The Collar Conundrum

  1. Oi, I think I’ve been to that office party. They stopped having them where I work… last time, two people got arrested and one didn’t show up for three days. Seriously. Never let customer service types drink on the company dime…

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  2. Your last line reminded me of the lady who worked at the honky tonk on The Blues Brothers: “We got BOTH kinds! Country AND Western!”

    I can’t imagine the awkwardness of that shindig. Total sharks and jets up in that piece, yo.

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  3. The Boy works for the City and we went to his Christmas party on Saturday. It is a lot like that. You have the suits. And then you have fleet maintenance, sanitation, etc. And every age from 18 to 80. Everyone is pretty fun to be with (the suits work pretty closely with the people in the field every day), but the age thing was funny.

    We were sitting with the mayor – who is a great guy – and he was just BUGGED by the music. And I was the only person at the table who had heard “Red Solo Cup.” The poor DJ was trying to balance all the generations of dance music with the people who wanted to hear some Merle. As a non-dancer, this led to excellent people watching.

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    • Once these folks got drunk enough, the class distinctions started to blur enough that we actually got a clogging dance battle going between the loudest of the biker-jacket ladies and the Really Big Boss (he won because he finished by doing a split and popping back up). Hey, this IS Wes’BYGAWD Virgginny!

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  4. Where I work the bitches would probably want country songs about getting pregnant when they’re 12 and their daddy being in prison, and their trailer rocking and the landlord knocking. You know, so they can relate.

    I and my friends would like any songs about busting caps in bitches’ asses. Classical perhaps?

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  5. At least no one asked for the Chicken Dance. (Oh God, or did they?)

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  6. I work at a very special company. There are us office people, and the warehouse guys, so you think that kind of difference would arise. But, in our office meeting this morning, we talked about how one of our coworkers got so drunk over the weekend that she fell down the stairs and cracked her head open, but the next day thought she’d been in a car accident. Also, my boss keeps trying to get me drunk.

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  7. Oh geez. What a mess. That party. Those thigh high boots. I hate office holiday parties. I was so cranky over the one I had to go to. I wish we could all just exchange cards and be done with it.

    BTW–I think your theory is solid. I’ll tread carefully on any office gathering that seems to be diverse in nature.

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    • The radio station had one the first year I worked here, and the only saving grace was that Chuckweasel and I got to mock this brand-new baby DJ who expected everyone to be impressed ’cause he was on the radio. Newsflash, dumbass — WE ALL ARE.

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  8. Jen

    We had a party last week where I witnessed my straight-laced boss kick off her shoes, stand on a table, and belt out Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup”. I may never be the same again…

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  9. The only office parties I’ve ever had to go to (thank the sweet lawd) were all white collar types with Christmas music or no music. The admin and younger staff (i.e., me and my friends) would hang out, get drunk, and take bets on which of the higher-ups would end up sleeping together. Which they inevitably did, of course.

    The Collar Conundrum actually sounds more fun. I may be confusing dangerous with fun, but in that scenario I think you should encourage karaoke. I would pay good money to see someone at a mixed collar party do a karaoke version of Aaron Tippin’s Workin’ Man’s Phd.

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  10. I never thought about that, but it does make sense – sort of like on The Office with the sales people and the warehouse. I don’t know anything about parties because I avoid them like the plague.

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  11. Jo

    I’m glad it wasn’t me in your position. I’m a big ol’ rebel on the side of the lower paid (that would be me) and I would’ve stirred it up.

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