Got Crap?

Of course, I don’t even need to tell you — I went back to The Useless Crap Store and bought the jewelry box — luckily, they’d discounted it a LEETLE more and I took that as a sign I was meant to have it.  I also cleaned them out of the Armenian Cracker Bread — I won’t be having a repeat of the Red Beans and Rice Chips incident!

Then I went over to the Dollar Tree — not to be confused with Dollar General, which is just kinda like a smaller K-Mart, at The Dollar Tree, everything actually IS $1.00.  And that’s where I got possessed.  I bought fake pine garland to wrap around the porch railings, which, added to the crap I already bought at Michael’s and Big Lots, has resulted in my porch looking FAR more festive than I actually am.  I mean, we’ve got fake greenery, fake poinsettias and shit in the window boxes, lights, the works.  Weird.


Then I got to spend the rest of my evening playing with my jewelry and putting it into the new box, which is one of my very favorite activities anyway (I know, it’s one of the few girly things I do).  Today I think I’m going to reorganize under the bathroom sink using the new boxes from Big Lots (which — not to toot my shopping skillz horn, were A DOLLAR EACH, holla!).  This will be kinda heart-rending, since I’ll be throwing out makeup I’ve had since junior high, but the time has come.  Your prayers will be appreciated.



Filed under I Rule You, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s)

27 responses to “Got Crap?

  1. Jeez! You’re on a roll! I want to see a picture of your cracked out Christmas cheer porch.

    And maybe you shouldn’t throw away your junior high makeup. Maybe you should donate it to science… Just an idea…


    • I should donate it to New Jersey, which is the only place where bright blue eyeshadow is still allowed! And I’m waiting until it snows to take the porch picture, right now it just don’t look right.


  2. Yeah, my house always looks like it has way more holiday spirit than is actually in my cold dead heart. It camouflages the Scrooge in me.

    Wow, make up since junior high. Does this mean you are throwing out all your Bonnie Bell lip glosses? Oh, the humanity!!


  3. I want to see your makeup stash. Did you know they still make Love’s Baby Soft? And is it wrong that I kind of want some?


  4. And what happened then…?
    Well…in Who-ville they say
    That the Hoody’s small pancreas
    Grew three sizes that day!
    And the minute her pancreas didn’t feel quite so tight,
    He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
    And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!


  5. Sorry, left you as a “he” half way through…I have a headache.


  6. Love, love, love Big Lots. And the Dollar Tree–seriously, why buy birthday cards anywhere else? We’ve also got this store called 5Below–where everything is $5 or below. It might be my new favorite. Board games! Stuff to organize my crap! Cute calendars! Dog toys! (I buy a lot of crap at all the useless crap stores.)


  7. In college, someone wrote an editorial for the school paper that pointed out that since you still have to pay tax on items you buy from the Dollar Tree, it should really be called the Dollar Tree and Six Saplings.

    I think we need proof of your festive porch. Pics, or it didn’t happen!

    Also, I’m a leetle bit scared that you still have makeup from junior high. Isn’t it growing hair yet?


    • It should totally be the Dollar Tree and Six Saplings! Or acorns, or those little maple propeller-things. And the makeup has somehow changed its consistency in the um… 20-plus years it’s been in my Kaboodle.


  8. Chuckweasel

    First of all, my girl is a natural beauty and does not need make-up one bit. That’s right butches, be jealous, she’s that gorgeous. But anyway, that’s why she still has make-up.


    • CW, we know the reason she keeps it around is so that her crossdressing kittehs can practice putting on mascara without their mouths hanging open like a fish.


      • I do have to have makeup for Marceau or he won’t feel like I support his lifestyle. And CW, honey, did you MEAN to call my girls “butches?” ‘Cause most of them are just bitches…


  9. Jo

    Hoody, I’m lovin’ on your Chuckweasel for lovin’ on you right now.

    And what the hell? Are YOU tryin’ to trigger the Apocolypse now? Seriously, with the greenery and the organizin’ and stuff? Cut it OUT. The rest of us are waaaaay behind.


    • Idddent he da sweetest? He’s the only person I can look at and say, “Damn, I’m fucking stunning,” and he not only AGREES, he doesn’t even call me out for being vain! And the cleaning and organizing and shit is left over from Dear Sweet Mama’s frenzy while I was on the DL — it’s like she left her cleaning cooties or something!


      • Dear Sweet Mama

        THAT’S where my cleaning cooties are. I haven’t been able to organize to do crap since I came home and now we are bringing the rest of our crap down from Brockport Thursday. I need to clean. Could you pack them in a box and overnight them? Thanks so much. I am pretty sure they aren’t completely used up.


  10. You’ve only had the makeup since Jr high? It needs another couple decades before you disguard it! At least!


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