Yes, we can agree, the low-fat, bland foods, semi-liquid-or- at-least-soft diet blows goat. But what TRULY sucks shit through a quarter-inch tube about this recovery process is the no-liquor part. I am one of those people who doesn’t drink specifically to get drunk (although that’s nice, too), I actually genuinely like the taste. So going visiting with Dear Sweet Mama with some of her old work friends at the Mexican restaurant SEEMED like it was going to be a serious lesson in Fuck. This. Bullshit.
I had not realized how long it has been since I had seen my Dear Sweet Mama hammered without being inebriated myself (I was probably like 7?). Bitch be HILARIOUS, yo. First off, she made the mistake of letting me order her first margarita while she was in the bathroom, so of course I got her the 22 ounce one. Then she thought she should “scale down”… to the 12 ounce ones. And she had 3, which is actually more ounces than if she’d just had another 22-ounce one.
Here’s the progression of events: You first begin to become aware that DSM is drunk when she starts complaining of not being able to feel certain body parts. The first to go is usually the nose, followed by the feet. Once she gets to her TEETH being numb, start the camcorder.
DSM is also one of those drunks who insists on telling you — repeatedly — that she is drunk. And how drunk, at that. Then she starts to worry about how drunk she is because she is going to get in trouble with either her parents (who have been dead for many, many years) or the Concubine (who passes out after one glass of wine and goes and sleeps in the car).
This is the point at which we cut her off.
I told her, she better enjoy having me as a Designated Driver while she can, because I damn skippy don’t intend to never have another mojito. That would be against the law or something.
PS: On the dietary front, I ate a cheese enchilada with the spicy red sauce scraped off, one hard beef taco, and probably about half of my rice and beans — in other words, the Mexican waiters now think I have been replaced by an alien clone. But I have had NO problems from the ol’ pancreas today, so I must not have pissed it off too bad.