THE Commandment

Dear Sweet Mama’s troubles have got both of us feeling really bitter about the hypocritical “What Would Jesus Do?” crowd that acts all holier-than-everyone but then does mean, small-minded shit as if that’s okay.  So in case their own rules are too hard for them to understand (I know, 10 is SOOOO MANY!), I have simplified matters.

All religions, everywhere, come down to one single Commandment:

DON’T BE A DICK

That’s it.  If you are considering doing something or saying something that might make an outside observer say, “Damn, whatta dick!” — YOU JUST DON’T.  Now, I don’t mean the kind of good-natured dickery we get up to here at Hoody’s Hooligans, Inc., I mean genuine, Christ-what-an-asshole dickery.  Like being genuinely mean and hurtful to someone just because you can, etc.  Or being a cowardly asshat who starts gossip and rumors but will never talk to you to your face.  You know, being a DICK.

In fact, DSM have discovered that if your behavior can be described with any word that is usually used to describe the sexual organs and/or acts, don’t fucking do it.  This is a variation on “What Would Hoody Do? — “If I saw someone doing this, I would describe them as….” If you fill in the blank with “dick,” “twat,” “cocksucker,” or any of the like, DON’T DO IT.  This also applies to any word that includes the word “ass” or “shit” — Don’t be a dick, a twat, a cocksucker, an asshat, or a shithead.

*Of course, it is perfectly acceptable to be a cocksucker if you are actually sucking an actual cock at the time.

And even the secondary sexual characteristics aren’t good — you don’t want to be a “tit” or a “boob.”  But that IS better than being a dick.

So, to sum up — do unto others before they do one to you, and DON’T BE A DICK.  If you do have to be a dick, like a breakup or whatnot, be as kind as possible, and feel bad about it.

The Church of Hoody is now open for business.  Love offerings are accepted, especially in the form of cheese enchiladas, and communion will consist of whiskey and Pez.

Now go in peace and sin no more, Hooligans.

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23 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, GENIUS!, I Rule You, Jesus and Pals, Weep for Humanity

23 responses to “THE Commandment

  1. Is “Don’t be a douche” ok?

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  2. Also appropriate, since it is genitalia-related.

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  3. I like it. Sign me up for the Church of Hoody! I think it is unfortunate that a lot of religious individuals hide behind their “righteousness” and “godliness” when acting like complete assholes. Not very holy, if you ask me. I think they missed that whole “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” part, and just read the “do unto others” part of it. And what they do is be petty dickheads. I’m sorry your DSM has to deal with that crap. You just let me know if there is someone I can go kick, and I’m on it!

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  4. Agreed, forever. There are too many Dicks in this world, and they’re not the kind that might bring one sexual satisfaction. The Dicks of the world just don’t care, they are thoughtless and selfish, and deserve to be nicknamed after genitalia. Bravo. Also, your communion sounds a fuck lot better than the communion I was forced to choke down as a kid.

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  5. YAY! That is awesome…

    It also makes me thing you are in good company. The illustrious Wil Wheaton has a “Don’t be a dick” campaign going, too! Now you have something in common with the coolest geek in the world!

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  6. If whiskey and Pez cleanses my soul, consider mine pristine.

    Preach on, Sister Hoody, preach on!

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  7. One of my favorite, save-for-extreme-cases is “flatulating thunderc*nt”. See? I said extreme.
    And I was going to send you an offering but I… uh, I mean Monkey ate it.
    Furry little heathen.

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  8. Always amazed me that the good body parts had such negative connotations. Nobody ever says ‘God, you’re such a toe’ or ‘Quit acting like a shoulder’.

    Doesn’t seem fair.

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  9. I agree 100%…and I’m to sick and dying to be funny today so bowing out grac…shit never mind I just tripped.

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  10. Finally, a rule I can live by. Can I invite Jesus, Mary, and Joseph? Joseph especially always seemed like a pretty chill dude.

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  11. Yep, that’s one religion I can stand behind. Only maybe you should punch it up with more biblical language, like, Thou Shalt Not be a Dick to Thine Neighbors. Amen.

    Also, me and my torn rotator cuff is also on board with calling people a shoulder.

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  12. As somebody who is directly related to a whole bunch of dickheads, asshats and cuntmunchers, I wholeheartedly endorse this message. Now if we could just find a way to keep those people out of public office……

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  13. Don’t be a dick, seriously. And if your parents hate you and they named you “Dick,” change it. These are simple rules to live by, and yet …

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  14. Can I get special dispensation to be a smartass?

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  15. Chuckweasel

    In your 4th paragraph I believe it should read DSM has and not have.

    Yes it is ok to be a cocksucker if you are actually sucking cock. I checked with George Bush.

    You actually have a K-Dawg following you. Is it THE K-Dawg??

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  16. Pingback: THE Commandment | Kids say :

  17. Praise jeebus. Don’t be a dick. It’s really not that hard. Clear as fucking ice, if you think about it. Don’t be a dick, and we all go home happy.

    Like

  18. Pingback: Lookie There! | hoodyhoo

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