Dear Sweet Mama’s troubles have got both of us feeling really bitter about the hypocritical “What Would Jesus Do?” crowd that acts all holier-than-everyone but then does mean, small-minded shit as if that’s okay. So in case their own rules are too hard for them to understand (I know, 10 is SOOOO MANY!), I have simplified matters.
All religions, everywhere, come down to one single Commandment:
DON’T BE A DICK
That’s it. If you are considering doing something or saying something that might make an outside observer say, “Damn, whatta dick!” — YOU JUST DON’T. Now, I don’t mean the kind of good-natured dickery we get up to here at Hoody’s Hooligans, Inc., I mean genuine, Christ-what-an-asshole dickery. Like being genuinely mean and hurtful to someone just because you can, etc. Or being a cowardly asshat who starts gossip and rumors but will never talk to you to your face. You know, being a DICK.
In fact, DSM have discovered that if your behavior can be described with any word that is usually used to describe the sexual organs and/or acts, don’t fucking do it. This is a variation on “What Would Hoody Do? — “If I saw someone doing this, I would describe them as….” If you fill in the blank with “dick,” “twat,” “cocksucker,” or any of the like, DON’T DO IT. This also applies to any word that includes the word “ass” or “shit” — Don’t be a dick, a twat, a cocksucker, an asshat, or a shithead.
*Of course, it is perfectly acceptable to be a cocksucker if you are actually sucking an actual cock at the time.
And even the secondary sexual characteristics aren’t good — you don’t want to be a “tit” or a “boob.” But that IS better than being a dick.
So, to sum up — do unto others before they do one to you, and DON’T BE A DICK. If you do have to be a dick, like a breakup or whatnot, be as kind as possible, and feel bad about it.
The Church of Hoody is now open for business. Love offerings are accepted, especially in the form of cheese enchiladas, and communion will consist of whiskey and Pez.
Now go in peace and sin no more, Hooligans.