There’s a Fine Line

… between genius and utter fucking stupidity… and I?  Is walking on it.

 

I’m trying a new tack in my — “Get up and clean your motherfucking house, Hoody” plan.  I have tried developing an adult sense of responsibility — HA! Didn’t work.  Bribing myself met with only LIMITED success, as I soon found the me-being-bribed was requiring larger and larger rewards for smaller and smaller tasks, which pissed off the me-doing-the-bribing until she just gave up. But now…

I am going to pretend I am my own maid.

Now, I already do this with telemarketers and shit (“Meesy Hoody, she no here”), so I’m going to see if I can extend it to myself.  Like, I’ll make up a list (love to make lists anyway, so there’s another plus!) of what “The Missus” wants done for the day, then hopefully I’ll actually do it!

But probably, I’ll just end up drinking that bitch’s liquor and stealing the silver.

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30 Comments

Filed under GENIUS!, La Vida Loca

30 responses to “There’s a Fine Line

  1. I got a whole set of really nice steak knives that way. The ho never missed ’em! Ha!

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  2. You can borrow one of my kids for the week, he is pretty good at washing clothes, but not much else…actually nevermind, his clothes washing ability is probably overshadowed by all of the other messes he makes.

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  3. Dear Sweet Mama

    Just pretend I am coming over – this is the month I plan to visit, so get started.

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  4. I like it. Hope it works.

    Also, you should sleep with the gardener in her bed. Chuckweasel is good with a hoe, no?

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  5. You could steal her silver, hock it, and hire an actual maid.

    Just an idea. Also, sleeping with the gardener in her bed is a surefire hit.

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  6. I do that here, sort of. Monkey pretends I’m her slave and I indulge her fantasy. Then when she’s out I eat her kibble. Ha! Damn the Man!

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  7. We’re having all of Hubs’ single soldiers over for Thanksgiving, so I have to clean. Otherwise, we’d probably sit in our pjs and eat until the elastic is tight. Hell, I might do that anyway, but the house will be clean, dammit!

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  8. That sounds like it might work. Are you going to get a French maid outfit? That might make it more fun. And if it’s little enough, you might encourage someone to help you out (with the work) so that they can more quickly get to the helping you out (of the outfit).

    But mostly, when it gets really bad, I just invite My Sister the Lawyer over. She’s freaking terrifying. And judgy, in a productive sort of way. My dad used to just thow away anything on the floor. I still haven’t forgiven him for Fievel.

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    • DSM always THREATENED to throw out anything left on the floor, but she never actually DID it… I was the master of the temper fit and she didn’t want to deal with that!

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  9. Jen

    Sometimes I pretend to be my short people’s nanny. I figure if I’m getting paid to be nice to them it might make me less screamy.

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  10. Or maybe you can only live on what hoody pays you to work… wait wait. That won’t do it. You’ll just get fired for bitching about needing a raise and end up at an Occupy protest because you won’t pay you a living wage. It would be so confusing.

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  11. Oh mah gawd, I DO this. Or I pretend I’m on a television show and cameras are following me and I’m too fucking embarrassed to let the world see what a slob I am.

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  12. Lists are a fabulous idea – ’cause who doesn’t love the high of crossing things off?

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  13. DSM is onto something. I have my family come visit a couple times a year just to make sure the house stays slightly under control. They’re coming in two weeks!

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  14. Just think about the awesome Christmas bonus you’ll be giving yourself in a couple months.

    I’m a member of the do-a-tiny-task-and-then-take-a-thirty-minute-break club.

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  15. Witty answer: Get yo self into a PhD program and try to write a dissertation. You will clean the fuck out of your house in a failing effort to avoid writing.

    Serious answer: Invite out of town guests. I clean my toilet when company comes.

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