Okay, so I have realized a very important thing… As we all know, I am not a huge fan of children as a species… but I may, in fact, hate their PARENTS more.
Now, I know some of y’all have spawned, so present company excepted, of course. But allow me to illustrate — none of y’all would ever do THIS:
On Friday, I was leaving Ye Olde Apartment Complex to pick up the Weasel, and there in the little driveway dealie leading out of the parking lot are 2 parked cars. They’re snugged up close to the wall, engines off, no people visible… so after a moment of confusion, I start to pull past them…
That’s when a man who we shall call “Extremely Angry Brotha Man” sticks his head out his car window and gives me dickface! Like “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” dickface! And I’m even MORE confused… and that’s when the school bus pulls up.
FUCK. ME. Are you serious? Yes, they are. The 2 cars immediately pick up the precious snowflakes that have been disgorged by the bus, then pull into the road, make a U-Turn, and HEAD BACK UP INTO YE OLDE APARTMENT COMPLEX! Christ on a crumpet, this is why American children are so fucking fat! It’s MAYBE 3 short blocks from the end of the driveway to the very LAST set of apartments… you’re telling me Timmy can’t walk that far? Help. Me. Jesus.
When I was little, I walked a FUCK of a lot farther than that from the bus stop to my house… and I ain’t never died from it. And I had a friend who walked ALL THE WAY home from school up this long-ass flight of stairs in the side of the hill… and it ain’t kilt her, neither! I’m warning y’all now, if this shit continues, the next generation of kids will get stranded on the second floor if the escalator breaks down!
Oh, and Extremely Angry Brotha-Man? Keep that dickface to yourself — I am a childless person who is therefore not cognizant of the school bus schedule. And I don’t have to be, because as I screamed in the car on my way down the hill…
“I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CROTCHFRUIT!”
PS: This incident made me drink a quart and a half of whole milk (shut up, it makes me peaceful) which I then promptly threw up because you’re not supposed to drink milk by the quart. So that man’s kid made me throw up. For SHAME.