A Revelation

Okay, so I have realized a very important thing… As we all know, I am not a huge fan of children as a species… but I may, in fact, hate their PARENTS more. 

Now, I know some of y’all have spawned, so present company excepted, of course.  But allow me to illustrate — none of y’all would ever do THIS:

On Friday, I was leaving Ye Olde Apartment Complex to pick up the Weasel, and there in the little driveway dealie leading out of the parking lot are 2 parked cars.  They’re snugged up close to the wall, engines off, no people visible… so after a moment of confusion, I start to pull past them…

That’s when a man who we shall call “Extremely Angry Brotha Man” sticks his head out his car window and gives me dickface!  Like “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” dickface!  And I’m even MORE confused… and that’s when the school bus pulls up. 

FUCK.  ME.  Are you serious?  Yes, they are.  The 2 cars immediately pick up the precious snowflakes that have been disgorged by the bus, then pull into the road, make a U-Turn, and HEAD BACK UP INTO YE OLDE APARTMENT COMPLEX!  Christ on a crumpet, this is why American children are so fucking fat!  It’s MAYBE 3 short blocks from the end of the driveway to the very LAST set of apartments… you’re telling me Timmy can’t walk that far?  Help. Me. Jesus.

When I was little, I walked a FUCK of a lot farther than that from the bus stop to my house… and I ain’t never died from it.  And I had a friend who walked ALL THE WAY home from school up this long-ass flight of stairs in the side of the hill… and it ain’t kilt her, neither!  I’m warning y’all now, if this shit continues, the next generation of kids will get stranded on the second floor if the escalator breaks down!

Oh, and Extremely Angry Brotha-Man?  Keep that dickface to yourself — I am a childless person who is therefore not cognizant of the school bus schedule.  And I don’t have to be, because as I screamed in the car on my way down the hill…

“I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CROTCHFRUIT!”

PS:  This incident made me drink a quart and a half of whole milk (shut up, it makes me peaceful) which I then promptly threw up because you’re not supposed to drink milk by the quart.  So that man’s kid made me throw up.  For SHAME.

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41 Comments

Filed under Chuckweasel, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, WTF???, Ye Olde Apartment Complex

41 responses to “A Revelation

  1. I’m considering making my kids walk barefoot to everywhere so I don’t raise pussy kids.

    Parents are assholes. I’m mostly not. I hope. Thanks for the cautionary tale.

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  2. I’ve come to realize 94% of parents are douche bags who are breeding the next generation of insane assholes. The entrance to our neighborhood is the bus pickup for about 5 surrounding streets and every morning all of the parents line up in their cars to watch their kids get on the bus and block my exit to the main road then act like pricks when I try to go around them.

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  3. See, I would have just assumed they were in the middle of a drug deal and called the cops, or maybe shouted, “Get out of the road you damned junkies!” if I was feeling particularly brave.

    And thanks for the warning about the milk. I was drinking my morning chocolate milk while reading this, and I kept adding Nesquick, then thinking it was too strong, so I would add more milk, and then it would be too weak… It was only a matter of time until I got to hurl level.

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  4. I’d bet my youngest snowflake that if you were to engage this man in any kind of conversation (which would clearly be inadvisable and I am not recommending) about WHY he was picking up his child there–he would say that it was a safety issue. That it’s NOT SAFE for kids to walk alone from a school bus stop.

    The fear among parents of child abduction and/or molestation (from strangers) is OUT OF CONTROL. Never mind the fact that the best thing you could do to keep your kids safe from abduction is to never get divorced–because most abductions are by family members. Acting on that particular threat is a bit difficult. So, let’s focus on abduction by strangers, which is akin to getting struck by lightening. Twice.

    The “stranger danger” fear that is out there is so ginormous it is distorting childhood.

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  5. It think that “crotchfruit” may be the best term for other people’s kids that I’ve ever heard.

    I don’t want to even get into how far I had to walk to school as a kid… spring, winter, fall, rain or shine… my little ass was out there walking to school.

    I weep for our future, run by fat, pampered, clueless little crotchfruit…

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  6. I am certain (and I speak from authority as a breeder) that these model parents were merely picking up their children so that they could maximize the quality time that they were going to spend with their children that afternoon. Baking brownies, reading together, playing board games, stocking the meth lab, shooting people on Halo, watching porn – you know good family bonding.

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  7. How will they run from the zombies? *snort* Best question I’ve seen in a long time! Excellent point.

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  8. Now Hoody, Extremely Angry Brotha Man probably wasn’t breastfed, so he can’t help the fact that his momma fed him full of nasty formula and cheeseburgers, instilling his need for trans fat and ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I am so sick and tired of the excuses that this country generates for problems that are so easily fixed. Bored? Go outside. Use your imagination. There’s nothing on TV? Shut it off. Read a book. Ride a bike. The fact that there’s a “national movement” to get kids to move their bodies more is horrible. People need to go through a screening process before they can procreate. A very simple test is all that’s needed: “Are you a complete fucking moronic cockwagon, yes or no?” Yes, you get sterilized. No, feel free to breed.

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  9. “I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CROTCHFRUIT!” ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love it. Maybe I’ll have it made into a bumper sticker. I have 2 of those fruits and they walked to school, tyvm.!

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  10. Jen

    Uphill in the snow both ways, bitches. That’s why I make my short people trek to the busstop in the rain. (a) It builds character, and (b) other people’s kids annoy the FUCK out of me and I don’t need to hear their puerile yammering at 8am.

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  11. Amy

    The irony surrounding my decision to not spawn “crotchfruit” (as you so eloquently called them) is that I would probably actually raise intellegent, productive members of society and if they ever whined about having to walk 3 blocks home from the bus stop, I would back hand them so hard they’d forget the phone number for Child Protective Services.

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    • “I’mown hit you so hard your whole family will die.” “But, Mama, you’re IN my family!” “Shut up and fix mommy a drink, Petey.” THIS is why I have no children!

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  12. Most people that have kids, shouldn’t. Most people that don’t have kids either should or are very wise. Even my own had moments I wanted to stuff them in a box and ship them to Cannibal Land.
    I still firmly believe parents should have to take a competency exam before breeding, and then renew the kid’s license once a year. If they don’t pass, (parent or child) the kid goes into a military boarding school.
    When I rule the world, thus so it will be. Until then, I avoid the little snotfactories.

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  13. This is why The Boy and I feel pressured to breed. Otherwise that guys kid will run the world some day.

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  14. Waiting in the car?? Oh please, no matter where we lived, my mother claimed she could see us fine from the window!? Where are these kids going to get their survival skills with all this coddling?? I wore wonderbread bags over my dress shoes on snowy mornings! Ok, I digress…

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    • I was raised on the, “I don’t care where you go, just don’t leave our street and come home when the streetlights come on” philosophy, and I am neither dead nor in prison, so what’s the problem?

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  15. I walked to school. I used to make my kids ride their bikes (it’s a little too far to walk in our neighborhood). However, two of them are now in middle school and so I drive my kids to school because, HOLY CATS, have you seen their book bags? They come home with FULL backpacks to bursting, and they’re still carrying at least one school book (usually two or three) in their arms.

    I blame extra homework for making our kids fat, for ALL kinds of reasons.

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    • I had a couple of years of school that were like that… still had to walk, though. And you’re right — exactly when are the little folk supposed to “be active” and “exercise” when they’re stuck in the homework chair all night???

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  16. Although in the case of your apartment complex, I’d make them walk from the bus to the door. That shit is ridic.

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  17. This reminds me of a scene from LA Story, where Steve Martin leaves his house, gets in his car, and drives to his friend’s house, two houses away from his.

    I don’t get what the guy was yelling about. If the bus wasn’t there, and the cars weren’t moving, what’s wrong with you going around them?

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  18. “CROTCHFRUIT”—I love it!

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  19. Caitlyn is still too young for school. I always regret leaving the house if I’m off of work on a school day. I’ll end up driving past a goddamn school, all cluttered with traffic because it’s fucking 3pm and that doesn’t mean anything to me anymore so I forget.

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  20. Bad parents. Good parents hate them the way good men hate jackasses.

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