Back with a Vengeance

That’s right, I’m back from FCC Hell, AND a successful trip to the stupid DMV to get my license renewed… and I’mma gonna need my soapbox.

This may be a horrible thing to say, and it may make me sound like a racist or a Republican… but… I truly feel you should not be allowed to have a drivers’ license in this country if you do not speak AND READ English.

Stop the hate mail, I’m not saying English has to be your FIRST language, but you should at least be able to speak it well enough to go through the “getting my drivers’ license” process!  And if you can’t read the application form, you sure as hell can’t read street signs, so you’re just gonna end up lost!  It’s all for your own good, really.

Plus, all the warning lights in the car are in ENGLISH in the U.S., so you could be getting the “hey, your shit’s ’bout to blow up” warning and YOU WOULDN’T KNOW IT!  Of course, I brought this up to Dear Sweet Mama, whereupon the following conversation ensued:

DSM: “But the lights and stuff in the car I drove in Scotland were in English…” 

HH: “They speak English in Scotland, Dear Sweet Mama.”

DSM: “Oh… nevermind.” (yes, my mama is Emily Latella) 

Of course, this is also the woman who, when we went in search of a pop machine in Vancouver, said to the hotel clerk, “Do you have to have Canadian money for your snack machines?”

His CLASSIC response? “Yes, ma’am.  This is Canada.”

Love you, DSM — just remember, you don’t have to be smart, you’re pretty! : )

And P.S.  Because I am a good person who does not want to encourage hatred and bigotry, I DID NOT tell this joke on the radio this morning:

“Apparently, there’s federal job training available for people who are transgendered.  So it IS true that if you give a man a pair of boobs he’ll never wanna leave the house!”

You’re welcome, activist community.



Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, WTF???

32 responses to “Back with a Vengeance

  1. You know, I was going to get all “but your WRONG” and stuff because most cars have moved on to just having arcane pictures on the warning lights, when I remembered driving in Daly City (near San Francisco). Street signs are in CHINESE. WIth Chinese characters. That shit it distracting, and it was only a fluke that I didn’t run anyone over trying to figure out if that character looked more like a penis or a house, because I was supposed to turn at the penis.


    • That’s a good point about the pictures in cars – now nobody knows if their car is about to explode. At least I’m like that. “Oh, look two parentheses with an exclamation point in the middle just lit up. I’ll have to look that up in the manual when I finally find it. La la la.”


      • My rule is that if the strange symbol is yellow, it’s probably fine. If it’s red, I will pull over and dig out the manual. Red means stop, yo.


        • I have fucked up the computer system in my car, so all my lights are always lit anyway — I have to rely on the old-fashioned “what’s that noise/smell/smoke?” method!

          And BTW — “I’m late because I turned at the house when I was supposed to turn at the penis.” — best. excuse. EVER.


  2. Chastity Bono is so gonna get your ass for that one!! 🙂

    Damn racist!!

    Is DSM pretty? Because, yeah, she doesn’t have to have the smarts then. She’s good.

    And really, even people who speak English as their native language can’t read the damn street signs or test for driving. Otherwise there wouldn’t be so many fucktards out on the road. Explain that one to me, Hoody!!


    • are we assuming even people RAISED here can read English? ‘Cause I’d have to beg to differ…And if Chaz comes over here, we’re going straight to the lawyer’s office — that surgery looks fucked UP, yo!


  3. I hate going to the DMV. Hate it.

    I’m for everyone speaking English. Maybe we could be more like other countries and teach people English as well as another language.


  4. 🙂 I agree with you. If there’s something that requires licensing, you really should speak the language the application process is written in…

    I witnessed a car accident two months ago, literally watched a Somali woman in a van take a left in front of a brand new car that had the right-of-way. Poor guy! We pulled over and she had NO IDEA that she was the one that had caused the accident. We all just shook our heads…



  5. I’m all about “encouraging diversity” and all that jazz, but yeah… it would make life a lot easier in certain circumstances.

    For example, every time I call for some issue with a credit card, I feel like I’m talking to Peggy on those commercials. And I want to claw my own eyes out.


  6. The DMV has a vendetta against me…now that you too have let loose on the blogs, I would watch my back if I were you!! They are VERY sneaky…


    • I just couldn’t beleive it when the “I just got here from Uganda and I really want to drive… but all I speak is the clicking language” guy WAS IN LINE IN FRONT OF ME! And the poor, poor clerk…


  7. My dad had to drive in Puerto Rico once, long ago, and was amazed that on the freeway, every off-ramp had a sign that said “Salida.” He thought, “that must be the biggest city in Puerto Rico…”

    (Salida is Spanish for “Exit.”)


  8. You would have given the FCC a field day with this. I agree about being able to read english in order to drive, although it seems that even most people who read and speak english are bad drivers, esp if they are from Ohio.


  9. Duncan

    Do you mean the house of representatives?


  10. We chose the city we currently live in based, in large part, on the DMV. We came from Chicago, in the city, where a trip to the DMV was an all day affair with us taking turns sleeping in the car. The line stretched outside and it would usually rain. They were so mean I cried.

    Now we live in a college town and the DMV is a pleasant affair that takes 20 minutes on your lunch break.

    People look at real estate prices, public school quality and unemployment rate–but really–they ought to look long and hard at what a trip to the DMV will be like in their prospective town. It’s a quality of life issue, fo sho. You may only go once every few years, but you can spend the other years dreading it.


  11. I can’t remember the last time I set foot inside a DMV — driver’s licenses are good for five years here, and I was able to renew mine online this year.


  12. Canada money is awesome! Also, we have two offiicial languages in here and the government has a hard enough time trying to get the Anglos to like the Frenchies and verse vica so I thnk if you made us all read both languages to drive there would only be drivers in Quebec – which is a really bad scene in general – and the rest of us would have to walk everywhere.


  13. Jen

    Pfft! I AM a douchebag Republican so I don’t mind sounding like an asshole. I get all stabby everytime an ATM asks if I want English or Spanish. I live in Portland, Oregon for Christ’s sake. Any illegal who made it all the way from Rosarita Beach to The Great Northwest deserves a fucking medal. English, please.


  14. I totally agree with you on the English thing. If you live in any country for longer than a year, you should learn the language. That’s not racist, and anyone who says otherwise is a lazy bastard who doesn’t want to learn a foreign language.

    I live in Austria, and I have friends – Americans, mainly – who refuse to learn German, because “they all speak English, anyway.” I HATE that. And it goes the same for anyone living in the states. It’s the language of the country in which you live. Learn the language, just like everyone else did. What, do people nowadays think that back in the day everybody just came over from England? My ancestors spoke German, French, and Irish. They learned. So can you.


    • Yeah, we could have all just kept using our original languages — think how damn big the street signs would be then!


    • Jen

      Amen my brutha-from-anutha-mutha. My dad worked for the government so I had lived in about 15 countries by the time I was 12. Each time we moved, my dad said “Suck it up. You’re on their turf now.” As such, my sister and I are still complete assholes, but we can exchange pleasantries in over 10 languages. Domo arigato, vielen dank and muchas gracias, party people.


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