Miss Hoody’s School of Party Planning

Chuckweasel and I have worked so many weddings by now that I’m pretty sure we’re married by osmosis or something, and one thing I have learned is how to throw a party.  So I will share it with y’all in the hopes you will throw me one!

1.  Location, Location, Location

As we have previously discussed, outside SUCKS.  Especially in the summer, and especially if you’re wearing your nice clothes.  And those big-ass tents don’t help, don’t give me that crap.  Stay the fuck inside.

2.  Liquor

Two words.  Open.  Bar.  Contrary to popular belief, most people will actually drink LESS if someone else is paying for it (decent people, anyway).  Also, fuck you for inviting me to a party where I have to BUY shit — fuck that right in the ear.  That’s like having my birthday at Wal-Mart.

3.  Food, Glorious Food

This is VITALLY important, so take notes.  If you do a sit-down dinner, don’t make it too heavy or people will be too fat to dance.  But if you do little nibbly things, YOU MUST HAVE ENOUGH.  People are goddamn pigs and if you don’t have at LEAST 2 of every kind of nibbly thing for each guest, YOU WILL RUN OUT.  And they’ll get pissy.

4.  Music

Hire us.  ‘Nuff said.

5.  Seating

For some reason, party planners seem to think you do not need to have a seat for every guest.  THEY ARE WRONG.  People are amazingly fucking lazy and if you don’t have enough chairs, they will huddle around the radiator like a bunch of homeless winos.

Oh, yeah, probably don’t invite homeless winos.  Unless it’s that kind of party.

 

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40 Comments

Filed under Chuckweasel, GENIUS!, Getchore LEARN on!, He's the DJ I'm the Rapper, I Rule You, La Vida Loca

40 responses to “Miss Hoody’s School of Party Planning

  1. Hey! Some of my best friends are homeless winos!

    Wait. That’s not true.

    My wedding reception: two hours’ open bar and champagne fountain (not actually as good as it sounded), TONS of nibbly-style food, a really good DJ (even if it wasn’t you!) and a full dance floor until midnight, when we had to skedaddle.

    Skedaddle. I said it.

    Pearl

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  2. Skedaddle is an extremely underrated word and should be used more often. We should work to bring it back! And I HATE HATE HATE champagne, having tried several different kinds (in several different price ranges), I hate it no matter if it costs $200 or $2. Unless you let me put sugar in it, which makes it foam up like a volcano and amuses me.

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  3. You are SO right about the booze. I went to a dry wedding. DRY. NO BOOZE AT ALL. Maybe it’s what you do if you want your guests to leave, maybe, because the reception lasted all of 20 minutes while people scarfed food and cake then “had to be somewhere” and left.

    To reiterate: Open. Bar. (Unless you hate your friends and want them to leave).

    By the way… Hi. I’m back from the edge of the planet.

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  4. My wedding: Open fucking bar, nibbly type food while guests waited for us to take our stupid pics, then family style food which was DELICIOUS (that was one of the major requirements for us), and a kick ass DJ that we sat down with for 2 hours before hiring him with an extensive list of our favorite and least favorite songs and told him that now that he knew our musical tastes, we expected a great party. He did not disappoint! (Sorry Hoody, had I only known . . . then again this was 9 years ago, so . . . ). Oh, did I mention we had it at a hotel where right outside of the reception area there was an actual Bar, where guests could go buy drinks IF THEY WANTED, but otherwise we had beer, wine and mixed drinks (didn’t stop the hubs’ stupid friends from buying him shots all night and getting him fall down hammered on our wedding night. Thanks a bunch, guys). Oops, sorry. That took a turn for still-bitter-after-all-these-years.

    Anyway, all this is to say, I heartily agree with this list. Here here.

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  5. We had open bar for a couple of hours, but the beer was free. We also had a whole hog bbq. It was 78193871 degrees that day, I got yelled at for smuggling beer in the church to sip on while gettin’ perty, and after the party my sister-in-law pushed my brother into the swimming pool in his rented tux. I think we define the Kansas redneck experience.

    Of course, this was part two – part one was in jeans and a sweater in the courthouse the day before Hubs deployed to Iraq. Wedding dinner provided by Papa Johns.

    This was before the Hoody was injected into my life, so I think that explains it all. Had the Hoodweasel Experience done my wedding, it would have been faaaaaaantastic.

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    • Jen

      I had the traditional WASP wedding: church, banquet hall, bride on Xanax and groom drunk. It was magical. And by magical I mean the worst fucking decision I ever made.

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      • I firmly believe taht once the temperature goes above 85 or so, all open container laws and “you can’t drink in church” rules should be automatically suspended. And @ Jen… fairly sure that’s why I keep to my sinnin’ heathen ways!

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  6. Some of my family members… they aren’t the “decent people” who drink less. Those motherfuckers will get shitfaced on your dime, but at least it’s mostly on cheap beer. And my husband’s family? To put it into perspective, let’s just say that he is being made godfather of one of his nephews and in his culture, traditionally the godfather gives the parents several hundred dollars to pay for the beer. Also, when a one year old’s birthday invite says the party is until 2am… just why. WHY?

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  7. I recently went to two weddings. Both were outdoors, in the middle of the most sauna-hellish summer ever. But one reception was indoors, one outside next to a mosquito-haven lake. However, both were filled with relatives so I disappeared right after the last “I do” dribbled from the contestants’ lips.

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  8. Ok, I think outdoor weddings can work in one situation only — if you live in a beach-y area in the middle of summer. You get the warmth, the breeze, the venues that are smart enough to have heat lamps when the evening gets chilly. Otherwise, forget it.

    So with you on the alcohol. We had an open bar for two hours and my mother was furious but who cares? Everyone else had fun. It was also a mid-day wedding and I can honestly say, don’t do that. Everybody has to leave at 4 and it’s depressing. I’m never going to use this advice though because if I’m unfortunate enough to get married again, I’m running off to Vegas like I wanted to do in the first place (the Hubs and I blame each other for not being honest about wanting to do Vegas, but I think the problem is we were painfully earnest youngsters. Phffft).

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  9. I’m going to end up having nightmares about attending parties at Walmart tonight.

    I let the county courthouse plan our wedding. It was a subtle, bureaucratic affair.

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  10. Why why why do people have outdoor weddings or receptions? The first thing I do when I see that on an invitation is get a migraine and start thinking of reasons why I simply can not go.

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  11. Dry weddings. *Shudder*

    I went to a dry wedding once where I was somehow the only person who’d been informed the bride was pregnant. Honestly, I think my friend (the groom) was depending on me to accidentally inform the rest of the attendees. Jerk.

    This wedding was also the two families and about three friends from outside the families – luckily they were Catholic so there were about 30 people there. They didn’t have music but someone got it in their head that it wasn’t a wedding without the damn chicken dance. Played on a boom box. The best man and I decided that was an excellent time to “get presents out of my car” a.k.a drink the six pack of beer I had in my trunk.

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  12. Ooh, ear-fucking! So it’s that kind of party? *wink wink*

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  13. My weddings get simpler each time-
    1st was Jersey huge wedding with bridesmaids caught on the video fighting when they found out they were both dating the same married cop…
    Current marrige- Courthouse! Since they gave me the gracious divorce from what was behind door #1- they are now my fav venue!

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  14. Can you make a suggestion that it’s time to kill “Celebration,” “Old Time Rock and Roll,” and “Proud Mary?” They’ve long passed their freshness date.

    At my wedding, I banned the Chicken Dance, the Hokey Pokey, and any requests from a guest under the age of 21. I knew it was a successful party when, at the end of the night, I spotted all the servers dancing like crazy over by the kitchen door.

    Unfortunately, my decision-making skills weren’t so keen when it came to who I was actually marrying…

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    • got your priorities outta whack, huh? And we still play all of those, but ONLY IF REQUESTED. By the bride and groom. No children will EVER be allowed to make a request ever again — it’s always either FILTHY or Miley Cyrus.

      Like

  15. 6. Have bottomless bowls of Circus Peanuts scattered throughout the area.

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  16. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding that didn’t have an open bar (or at least free-flowing wine), tons of food, and enough seating for everyone. I never realized how lucky I’ve been.
    I’ve been at lots of work-related receptions that have inadequate seating, though, and those are really a pain because the sadistic people who plan these receptions also always provide food that requires a fork to eat, so you have to hold your plate in your left hand and your fork in your right while balancing your drink on top of your head (or something — I’ve never quite worked out the best approach).

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  17. The worst wedding I ever went to was a dry wedding. Yes, no alcohol. They had it at a country club. Some friends and I (total pigs, we) skipped the wedding and went straight to the reception. Already a bit liquored up, we saw the line for the food and decided to have another drink at the bar rather than stand in line for an hour. And then we discovered…there. is. no. bar.

    Actually, they had a bar, but it was locked. It actually had a little chain-link fence garage door thingy over the front, so you could SEE the booze, you just couldn’t get close to it.

    So we figured ok,no open bar. Get our food, sit down. And are served…kool-aid.

    I am not fucking kidding. Not only did they not have alcohol, they did not even have carbonation. When toast time came around, the wedding party (consisting of 4 people) got to split a bottle of nonalcoholic champagne.

    The reception started at 6:30, everybody was out of there by 8:30. We were so pissed.

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  18. Pingback: How Many Times Do I Have to Say It? | hoodyhoo

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