Chuckweasel and I have worked so many weddings by now that I’m pretty sure we’re married by osmosis or something, and one thing I have learned is how to throw a party. So I will share it with y’all in the hopes you will throw me one!
1. Location, Location, Location
As we have previously discussed, outside SUCKS. Especially in the summer, and especially if you’re wearing your nice clothes. And those big-ass tents don’t help, don’t give me that crap. Stay the fuck inside.
Two words. Open. Bar. Contrary to popular belief, most people will actually drink LESS if someone else is paying for it (decent people, anyway). Also, fuck you for inviting me to a party where I have to BUY shit — fuck that right in the ear. That’s like having my birthday at Wal-Mart.
3. Food, Glorious Food
This is VITALLY important, so take notes. If you do a sit-down dinner, don’t make it too heavy or people will be too fat to dance. But if you do little nibbly things, YOU MUST HAVE ENOUGH. People are goddamn pigs and if you don’t have at LEAST 2 of every kind of nibbly thing for each guest, YOU WILL RUN OUT. And they’ll get pissy.
Hire us. ‘Nuff said.
For some reason, party planners seem to think you do not need to have a seat for every guest. THEY ARE WRONG. People are amazingly fucking lazy and if you don’t have enough chairs, they will huddle around the radiator like a bunch of homeless winos.
Oh, yeah, probably don’t invite homeless winos. Unless it’s that kind of party.