I present to you, Hooligans, the following postulation: The bathroom fan is the single most important and valuable invention of Mankind.
Hear me out — the one at work is broken (as in ripped out of the ceiling and hanging by wires broken) and believe me, you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. I am one of those people who hates to poop in public anyway (in public BATHROOMS, that is, I’ve never pooped in actual PUBLIC like in the fountain at the mall or something), and I REEEEEEEEAAALLY hate it when people can HEAR it.
Go ahead and laugh — the only-poop-at-home rule was completely iron-clad until an incident involving a drive home from Baltimore and a bellyful of Popeye’s Chicken. So I CAN poop elsewhere… I simply would prefer not to. And if I have to, I don’t want anyone to know what I’m doing.
AND NOW THE FAN IS BROKEN. And I’m the only female in the office during my weird-ass shift, so everyone knows when I’m in the toilet already, they don’t need to know exactly what I’m doing! I would prefer they think I go in there to do needlepoint or something!
I know, I know, “Everybody Poops,” there’s a whole book about it, but seriously? I don’t want people to know what I’m doing MOST of the time, but ESPECIALLY not then!!! FIX THE DAMN FAN!
hoodyhoo 
If we didn’t have a bathroom fan in our house, I’m sure I’d have some sort of disease from breathing in the funky air that comes from my husband’s ass.
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or you’d have to wear a mask all the time like poor dead Michael Jackson!
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Oh man, in my office there are these older women who seem to always decide to relieve themselves of their lunches in the afternoon. So I will walk in and it smells like a sewage treatment plant, with a bed of lilacs and daisys out front. Like this sort of flowery shit smell. It is all I can do to try to hold my breath for the few seconds it takes me to PEE and get the heck fire out of there. I just don’t understand pooping at work. I never ever do that, unless it is an extreme emergency. So it has only happened maybe 4 times in the 10 years I’ve been here, and I am not proud of that fact. Every body poops, but that doesn’t mean I need to smell it, thank you very much. Do that shit in your own homes people.
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What the fuck is it with old women and the vile stench that emenates from their bowels? It’s like everything they’ve eaten since WWII have compacted in there and fermented like some kind of fecal kim chee.
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I live in mortal fear of the day when my digestive system turns on me even more than it already has!
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I remember working at good ol CAMC, and someone who shall remain nameless was always wanting me to tell another nameless person she was not allowed to poop at work. Write her up. Fire her. Finally I told her she had to use the toilet on the L&D end of the hall and not where we normal people went. They were always having maintenance up to check their pipes.
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I double-dog dare you to fire somebody for their stinky poop!
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With a severe gluten allergy, ulcerative colitis, IBS, and yes and, IBD, I’mma gonna have to go at work. I hate it. I hate going anywhere but at home. I get panicky about the sounds, or smells that may occur, and feel faint every time. Every time! You would think I would get over it, but no, and anyone with gastro issues know that stress makes it worse.
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Yes! Yet, magically, I find I can hold my emergent bowel if someone else is in the next stall. That’s okay, lady, make sure your shirt is tucked in just right because, you know, I’m not about to EXPLODE over here.
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right there with ya — I have probably done myself some kind of damage waiting for bitches to check their hair, do their makeup, etc.
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I’m another reluctant office pooper… I don’t want anyone else in the same zip code, let alone the room, or God forbid, the adjoining stall.
Once I got in there due to an intestinal emergency and before I could accomplish anything, someone else jumped into the next stall. I thought I could wait him out, but instead, he was trying to wait ME out. It resulted in a Stall Standoff, with each of us waiting for the other to make the first move.
After about 10 minutes, he finally gave up and left. That left me as the winner of the World Feces.
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ooh, I never thought of that — I wonder if I could wait somebody out or if I’d eventually just say fuck it and stank up the joint?
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I’m the shyest pooper on earth. Even around Hubby.
You should totally just go poop in the fountain and tell people it was because there was no working fan in the bathroom. Then they’ll be sure to fix it immediately.
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and they all already know I’m dangerously unstable… this might get me some more paid time off…
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Part of the reason I wanted a two story house is so I could “go” on a floor other than the one The Boy is on. And yes, I do. If my stomach hurts, I go TWO floors away.
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that’s my major complaint about my current apartment — only one bathroom. But at least it’s all the way at the back AND has a working fan, so that’s okay.
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Holy Shit! we are twins. I have driven home from a party to have privacy and insure I would not be the one that had to discover the fan at woever’s house didn’t work.
My brother likes to laugh at me because I too have the hates to poo in public. He, being of the vegan variety, thinks that it is the easiest thing ever and can’t understand why I have issues with it. He doesn’t eat meat, what the hell does he know.
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Vegans have teeny little rabbit poos, they have no idea what us carnivores are capable of!
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He was not always of the meatless variety. There was a time he could out-meat all of us together. Then he got all animals-have-rights on us. Its a good thing I love him so much.
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They don’t eat, not that I’ve noticed, so how can they crap?
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I used to date a guy whose ENTIRE fam-dambly was vegan, even his dad, who was forced to be vegan, not vegan by choice. I fed cheeseburgers to their dog.
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I’m reasonably ok with my co-workers using the potty, we are in a large building and all seem to stake out seperate venues, but what I don’t understand is why it always seems that some non-employee has saved up the big business of the day to share with the community. Why is the person I follow into the potty always the least shy on earth???
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that’s the thing, too — if you’re within I’d say, an HOUR of quitting time, save that for home!
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Last week I was sitting in the stall and the woman next to me kept asking how I was doing. “Ummm. . .I’m fine. . .you?” Then she snarked back “I’m not TALKING to YOU!” She was on her freaking cellphone while she was ‘dropping the kids off at the pool’. Who the fuck does that!?!?
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Only all the people at my work as well. They will actually come to the bathroom specifically to make a phone call. It always freaks me out when I hear someone start talking and don’t know if they are talking to me or not. Not that I ever answer them or anything. I mean, I’m not a WEIRDO. 🙂
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Once I had a woman sigh heavilly and complain to her caller that I was flushing the toilet and she couldn’t hear over me!! Oh, Emily Post was torqued off at me that day- how dare I use the room as it was intended!
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I do NOT understand people who talk on the phone in a public toilet. I mean, I will pee AT HOME while on the phone with DSM or Chuckweasel, but NOTHING ELSE! And don’t these people realize whoever they’re calling KNOWS what they’re doing?
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nothing is better than listening to someone on the phone, and then hearing the SQUOOOSHHHH!! noise of their toilet flushing…
There’s a Jeff Foxworthy joke about that.
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Take a boom box in with you and play some Barry Manilow REAL LOUD. They’ll never suspect a thing.
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that might also help drown out the hissing of that creepy-ass air freshener thing…
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Eh, it’s poo. I don’t get really worked up about it, my own or anyone else’s. I don’t usually go when I’m out and about, as I like my magazines and the comfort of my own toilet. However, if it happens….it happens.
I have too many things on my “worry and freak out plate,” there’s no room left for poo. Which I guess is good?
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“the comfort of my own toilet” — EXACTLY. There’s just something about your very own potty…
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I could have written this post.
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Great minds, my dear…
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I can only poop at home. TMI but true.
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Please, I just wrote an entire post about poop! There’s no such thing as TMI here!
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I have to respectfully disagree. The best invention ever, is the bidet! I don’t know how I ever lived without one or how I will ever live without one in the future. Seriously, great for moon cycle time, after sex when you don’t want to take a whole shower, and when you have some serious intestinal issues and the damn tp just keeps ripping into pieces. I’m going to have to demand an entire bathroom make-over if I ever move into a new apartment!
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never having used one, I can’t argue… but I INTENSELY dislike it when those automatic-flush toilets flush while I’m still “busy” and spray my butt, so I might not like the intentional butt-spraying…
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Well, if there’s no such thing as TMI, then let me tell you this: I, too, have an “only poop at home” rule, and when I travel, I have the most amazing power of mind over matter about this very subject. (why I cannot transfer my phenomenal mental prowess to other areas of my life remains a mystery).
I just visited Houston for 3 days and did not poop once. Then, the day after my return home I spent the entire morning in the bathroom. Fortunately, the kids were at school so I had no need of a bathroom fan.
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I have done that, too — depending on what horrendous crap I eat, of course! Chuckweasel lives in AWE of my ability to NOT poop.
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