I present to you, Hooligans, the following postulation: The bathroom fan is the single most important and valuable invention of Mankind.
Hear me out — the one at work is broken (as in ripped out of the ceiling and hanging by wires broken) and believe me, you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. I am one of those people who hates to poop in public anyway (in public BATHROOMS, that is, I’ve never pooped in actual PUBLIC like in the fountain at the mall or something), and I REEEEEEEEAAALLY hate it when people can HEAR it.
Go ahead and laugh — the only-poop-at-home rule was completely iron-clad until an incident involving a drive home from Baltimore and a bellyful of Popeye’s Chicken. So I CAN poop elsewhere… I simply would prefer not to. And if I have to, I don’t want anyone to know what I’m doing.
AND NOW THE FAN IS BROKEN. And I’m the only female in the office during my weird-ass shift, so everyone knows when I’m in the toilet already, they don’t need to know exactly what I’m doing! I would prefer they think I go in there to do needlepoint or something!
I know, I know, “Everybody Poops,” there’s a whole book about it, but seriously? I don’t want people to know what I’m doing MOST of the time, but ESPECIALLY not then!!! FIX THE DAMN FAN!