Drumroll, Please

Okay, here it is: what you’ve all been waiting for… the insanity that is the Oriental Trading Company’s “Fun and Faith” Catalog of Christian Halloween fun!

Jesus-themed treat bags:  “What would Jesus do?”  He wouldn’t beg for Snickers door-to-door, ya fat bastard.

Oh, Pumpkin flashlights that say “Shine with the Light of Jesus!”  The intent:  “I’m staying safe AND showing my faith!”  The result? “Doctor, can you remove this Good n’Plenty from my son’s left nostril?”

Oooooh, we skipped RAPIDLY to the “less pagan” (or so you think) Thanksgiving selections, dintcha?  Word of advice?  An ornament that says “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few;  Ask the Lord of the Harvest to send out his workers into the harvest field.”… um, yeah, it’s in the Bible, but it WASN’T ORIGINALLY YOUR IDEA…  Plus, it makes me think of Thomas Tryon, and that gives me nightmares.  Fuckers.

A squirrel that holds a sign that says “Thank you, God, for all that you give.”  Squirrels, I have found, are generally Buddhists.

And here’s where I DIDN’T go with the secular catalog:  the breast cancer awareness stuff.  FUCK. ALL. Y’ALL.  EVERYONE has the right NOT to die of breast cancer, not just the members of your little club!

Religious/Scripture bookmarks… will Jesus get mad if I use it in the latest Sookie Stackhouse?  And while we’re here in paper supplies… why do these calendars go past October?  Y’all DID say…

Fake tattoos with Christian themes:  “This fake tattoo proves I love the Lord!  A real one would brand me a sinner.”

Okay, now you’re going too far:  “Wanted by God” Old-West style posters?  No, stop that.  “D.O.G.” stands for “Depend on God”?  No, no it does not.  Nor does “F.R.O.G.” stand for “Fully Rely on God.”  You’re embarassing yourselves.

GRRRR!  Dear Sweet Mama looked HIGH and LOW for those cheap-ass folding fans and we didn’t find none ’til we went to the weird shit store at the beach!  But y’all Christians can get all the fans you want that say “Smile, Jesus loves you!”  What, so us heathens need to get USED to the heat?

And lastly… probably would have been a good idea to fill in the word “Faith” in the “It’s All About Faith” fill-in-the-blanks posters.  Leaving that sucker blank GUARANTEES a phone call along the lines of “Mrs. Hoo-Weasel?  We need to discuss the fact that Petey seems to think it’s all about gravy…”

Yours in Christ,

HH

 

 

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22 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Chuckweasel, Jesus and Pals, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, The Legend of Petey, WTF???

22 responses to “Drumroll, Please

  1. I use Christian paraphernalia in my voodoo all the time. Maybe that’s how I got rabies.

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  2. Maybe I should dress up as Harry Potter and hand out Christian treats this year. Because he’s the epitome of evil, doncha know.

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    • Jen

      I’m going to dress as a black, lesbian abortionist and trick-or-treat in the neighborhood around the Mormon temple. ‘Cuz, yeah. . .I’m kinda passive-aggressive like that.

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      • MAKE SURE YOU ASK ABOUT THEIR UNDERWEAR!!!!! and I usually do the slutty-vampire thing to hand out treats… or, since I only get one trick-or-treater… to hand out “treat” and eat candy on the porch!

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  3. Who owns the Jesus trademark? who gets the licensing fees? I think we should buy up the patents on Jesusstuff as part of the Kingdom of HoodyHoo.

    That’d buy us heaps of chocolate and alcohol.

    Fun and Faith my arse.

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  4. I want my pumpkin flashlight to say “shine with the light of a thousand glowing demon eyes”.

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  5. “It’s all about Bacon.”

    And you know that they are just trying to help us out Hoody. It’s gonna be hot on that bus. No amount of collapsable fans will help with that. We are just gonna have to build up a tolerance now.

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  6. Can I take that squirrel to my neighbor and tell her that her anti-squirrel attitude goes against god?

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  7. I want to be your friend.

    Oh, eff the fake Jesus Halloween crap, already. They already stole all the rest of the Pagan holidays, leave friggin Halloween alone.

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    • here in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny, we’re so buckle-of-the-Bible-Belt they won’t even let us have Trick or Treat on the ACTUAL Halloween if it falls on a Friday, Saturday, or GOD FORBID, Sunday! So you never know when the litle bastards are gonna be ringin’ the doorbell… and BTW, you’re already my friend. There’s no escape now.

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  8. The really hilarious part is that true Jesus Freaks don’t celebrate Halloween because it’s the devil’s holiday. Even as a kid, I found that one hard to swallow. I looked my ma straight in the eye and said, “The devil gets excited about Star Wars costumes and free candy? Because the devil wants little kids to have fun? Explain that to me again.” My mom was always punishing me during Halloween, but I’m pretty sure that had a lot more to do with her being a tight-ass than because I was miraculously bad every October.

    As a former Jesus Freak, I have to say that the religious fake tattoos always amused the hell out of me. Also, the only verse in the bible that prohibits tattoos also prohibits makeup. Somebody needs to explain that to the Southern Baptist contingent — at least to their wives.

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  9. Oh man. Reminds me of the last time I flew to the States and in the Chicago AIRPORT bookstore they had this huge display of Christian books. Several of them were all about how to drive out EVIL. How to resist the DEVIL.

    As in the titles were “How to Drive Out Evil” and “How to Resist the Devil”.

    In the Chicago fucking airport. Jesus Christ. I almost bought one, because you know, you never know when you might need to know how to do an exorcism, but then I thought better of it. So I just took a photo, like the foreign tourist in a strange land that I was.

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    • well, it IS Chicago, you probably need all the help you can get! And I think you have to buy those boks as a set — one to get the devil OUT, the other to keep him from getting back IN. Kinda like mouse traps.

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  10. I have an ever growing collection of Jesus candles and a growing throng of people ever on the hunt for new ones I may not have yet. I use them to make my house look like its on fire during pagan holidays because nothing says I heart the lord like a bunch of drunken bartenders playing Amy Winehands.

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