Oh F**k, Pilgrims

As promised, here is Part 2 of the latest issue of the Oriental Trading Company catalog (heathen version).  For Part One, click here.

Please, oh please, Oriental Trading Company, tell me:  In what ways will we be celebrating the rape and massacre of (some of) my ancestors by (the rest of) my ancestors THIS year?

Okay, Thanksgiving-themed rubber ducks… not TOO bad, but fuck you for making the “Indian Chief” duck look just like the turkey ducks!

Design your own Thanksgiving Sticker set… “Mama, mine’s broken.  They left out the guns and the smallpox.”  “It’s okay, Petey, we’ll draw them in with Sharpie.”

Indian corn pin kit — YOUR people can call it maize if you want… MY people call it crap.

Oh, only 2 pages and now we’re onto generic quote-unquote “prizes.”  Thanks for the discreet nod, you genocidal fuckers (and I’m not being racist, they’re based in NEBRASKA, FFS!).

“Break Your Own Geode!”  Hooligans, if I ever have a child and I give it a HAMMER… call the authorities.

Awww… little plastic coins that say “I was caught being good!”  The reverse side had better say “And now I’ve got this wicked wedgie!”

A globe full of tiny “around the world” people from different cultures.  I actually HAVE this — the goddamn ARMY gave these to all us “wives” and kids when my ex was in the Reserves… “Is THIS the bad man who killed Daddy?  No?  How about THIS one?”

There is, however, one thing we should get:  The “Dino-Mite!” 96 piece plastic dinosaur assortment that just MIGHT make Laura’s battles between her dinosaurs and her army men a leeetle more fair…

Tomorrow… the Christian Right’s take on the most Paganest of holidays!

PS — Big news, bitches!  Chuckweasel’s been BLOGGING!  Check him out!

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23 Comments

Filed under Chuckweasel, I'm Confused, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, The Legend of Petey, Weep for Humanity, White Man's Medicine, WTF???

23 responses to “Oh F**k, Pilgrims

  1. Shouldn’t it be “if I ever have a child . . . call the authorities?” Just checking . . . 🙂

    Can’t wait for that Christian shit! Did I tell you I saw Jesus in a box this weekend? No? Oh, wait for the most recent Fair post . . .

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  2. Dear Sweet Mama

    Ahh, yes – Thanksgiving. The Concubine’s family’s most favorite of holidays though I am not sure why. And remembering her surprise – “you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving? Why?” However, I have certainly come into agreement with celebrating any holiday when you can eat your weight in stuffed ham, surely the best invention of the Pilgrims on the Eastern Shore. Except for that one time that church killed all those people. Ooops.

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  3. Do you remember warm fuzzies? The little fuzzies with feet and googley eyes? I want a collection of fuzzies.

    I also need about ten dozen wire chickens.

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    • I had no idea they even still MADE warm fuzzies (in fact, Chuckweasel and I were just talking about them and couldn’t remember what they were called!) — but they sure as shootin’ have ’em in the OTC!

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  4. Stuffed ham? is it stuffed with Pilgrims? F&*k their puritan selves! I agree! I celebrate Thanksgiving, and make everyone say why they are thankful. Corny? Absolutely, but I certainly don’t honor the pilgrims. Scavenging, homicidal weirdos is what they were.

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  5. Jen

    “Mommy? Why are the pilgrim men bending over the little Indian boys?”
    “They’re just giving thanks for the booty. . .umm, I mean bounti-ful harvest.”

    Oh fuck, I’m going to Hell, aren’t I?

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  6. This may be my new favorite blog. It’s bad enough the Christians had to steal the pagan holidays, but did they have to make them so lame too?

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    • Thanks! And you’re absolutely right — Real Halloween: “Shit, we better appease the spirits of the dead so they don’t fuck with us in the coming year… and just in case, let’s put on these masks so they can’t tell who we are!” Fake Halloween: “Hey, Timmy, want a Snickers?”

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  7. I like to celebrate the raping, pillaging, and disease spreading acts of my ancestors by eating until I can’t move, drinking until I can’t see straight, and watching men in tight pants run around after a ball and grope, I mean tackle each other on a football field.

    AHHH… colonialism.

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    • I told Chuckweasel I was going to celebrate Thanksgiving by inviting the neighbors over for dinner but making them bring all the food, then following them home and stealing all their shit! He really is a saint for putting up with me…

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  8. Is it ridiculous that I still get excited for the Oriental Trading catalog? I just can’t wait to buy 10lbs of shitty toys the size of my toddler’s trachea!

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  9. I used to be the Chairperson for the Annual Easter Breakfast and Egg Hunt (otherwise known in our house as the annual break from sanity). As a result, I am on the Oriental Trading Catalog’s list from here to perpetuity. I never buy anything anymore but I’m amazed how often I open one and think, “OMG, I really, really need this……piece of shit.”

    I like Thanksgiving, but mostly because it’s the only holiday to celebrate both food and shopping. Or if you’re an American Indian, eating then pillaging. To be fair, it’s our only holiday that is celebrated accurately. If we celebrated Valentine’s Day accurately, we’d be executing martyrs. On Easter, we’d be nailing people to crosses. On Christmas, we’d be making a fucking huge bonfire and praying that the dark will go away soon. So ya gotta give props to Thanksgiving, for having stayed the same.

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  10. The battle between the little green army men and the dinosaurs will never be fair.

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