Truth in Advertising

The reason I so seldom watch TV when it’s “live” is this:  If I DVR stuff, I don’t have to watch the painfully-bad local commercials.  My favorite?  The one for steel storage buildings.  A transcipt follows.

Actual Script:  “My husband needed a place to store his valuable belongings.”

Truth in Advertising:  “I told him to get all his stupid crap outta my house before I choked him in his sleep.”

AS:  “I wanted something that would look nice on our property.”

TiA:  “And I wasn’t about to let him put up no tacky-ass shed.”

AS:  “The steel building is fireproof…”

TiA:  “Trust me, I tried.”

AS:  “… and weather -resistant.”

TiA:  “Guess I’ll just pray for a hurricane.”

AS:  “And it’s so affordable, too!”

TiA:  “I’ll use the money I save to hire a lawyer…”

AS:  “Plus, it’s much more secure than self-storage units.”

TiA:  “I could lock his ass in there and nobody’d find him for DAYS.”

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29 Comments

Filed under GENIUS!, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

29 responses to “Truth in Advertising

  1. If that ad was over here ‘valuable belongings’ would have an equal chance of meaning ‘ugly shit he thinks is cool’, or ‘hydroponics to grow tomatoes *wink wink*’.

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  2. “My husband needed a place to store his valuable belongings.” Seriously? If she thought they were valuable, she would not be telling him to put his shit in the shed. Not to mention, if he has too much crap now, adding the shed is NOT going to fix it. He’ll just buy MORE crap, and they’ll end up with a back yard full of sheds, so even if the police DO come, he will starve to death before they find him.

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  3. Good idea. I think all commercials should come with such subtitles.

    Commercial: 4 out of 5 dentists agree.
    Subtitle: The 5th was a pinhead that got his degree in Cancun.

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  4. Hmmm, maybe I need to get one of these sheds. You know, for my husband. His belongings that is. Valuable belongings. Yeah, that’s it. What did you say the name of this company was? Know anywhere I can get some heavy duty tarps and some lyme? What? Oh, just wondering. You know, for a project. Nothing to see here. Hey, look over there, what’s that! *whistles innocently and walks away*

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  5. Last year, the very “attractive” shed of the guy next door burnt down. At about the same time, there was only one car in the driveway anymore and the kids strangely were only there on weekends and Next Door Guy had a parade of skanky fat chicks in and out of his house all hours of the day.
    I think you can see the corollary, huh?
    Your words in action.

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  6. They always feature pictures showing how classy the shed looks in your backyard but I figure these end up dwarfing your house and looking really tacky.

    All I really want to know is whether you can live in it if times get tough.

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  7. THANK YOU. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only person who talks back to the TV during commercials. I think it started in my teens, with OB commercials (because I hated OB so much). When the lady said, “OB was invented by a woman….,” I would yell, “A sadist!” at the TV when she said, “A gynecologist….”

    Also? That commercial sounds like the beginning of an episode of Hoarders. “It just started out with one shed…,” sob, sniffle, “And then it took over the WHOLE YARD!” Jeebus, throw your crap away people!

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    • The first time I saw the ad for those sanitary pads that come in a “noiseless” wrapper so people won’t know what you’re doing in the stall, I screamed “I AM NOT ASHAMED OF MY PERIOD!” at the TV. My poor neighbors…

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  8. I’ve never met someone who “writes commercials” for a living, but you can bet your sweet bippy they’re going to get my palm to their forehead if I ever do.

    After they buy me a drink, of course.

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  9. Jen

    “My husband needed somewhere to stash the underaged girl he’d abducted. . .” Cut to scene of Jaycee Duggard huddled in aforementioned shed.

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  10. Hey, don’t knock the metal shed- didn’t it save those 2 Valley girls in the cinema classic ‘Night of the Comet’ ?
    Hmm- will $4million worth of starwars legos melt in said storage unit? …..

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    • OMG, you did NOT just reference one of my favorite, brilliant, albeit tragically campy/awful, 80s sci-fi/horror movies ….. Night of the Comet? Yes, yes you did. You are my new favorite.

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      • YES! BEST. APOCOLYPTIC.MOVIE.EVER!!!!!!! And I’m so hard core (and so old), I saw that shit in the THEATRE, yo! And wasn’t the little sister the only one in the shed? The other one survived b/c she was banging some dude in the projection room… gods, I’m pathetic…

        Moral: If you don’t have a shed, be a slut. The human race depends on it.

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  11. I hate commercials like that!
    PS – How do you know what Wifey is thinking? Was this character based on you?

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  12. Dear Hoody,

    Here is a beautiful wonderful comment about blalkdfgjljhgf oops just fell asleep on my keyboard. Your post is fucking hilarious. I’m just too tired to construct something funny to say about it. Other than I want one of those sheds to hide some bodies in.

    Love,
    Your friend Tazer

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  13. Mom and Dad have a 2 car garage, with no cars in it, filled with crap. A basement filled with crap. A shed in the backyard filled with crap. A second shed in the backyard filled with crap. Or so I thought, until I discovered that the 2 car garage is only half full, one shed is half full, and the second she has a lounge chair, a mini refrigerator, an ashtray, a space heater, and a tv set, so my Dad has a place to smoke his cigars and hide from the family. So I guess you could say Mom has her valuables in the shed.

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