I used to HATE that expression when every third douchebag was using it, but I think we’ve all had time to heal, so I’m taking it back.
Note to Self: It is simply not physically possible for someone your height to ever again be a size 6. Your BONES weigh more than that! Throw that shit OUT!
And don’t give me that old song-and-dance about that one size-6 dress that still fits. You got that shit at T.J. Maxx, that label is a MISPRINT.
And while we’re on the subject of your wardrobe, Self… You know those brown scruffy loafers than you think look all cool and beat-up and “Martha’s Vineyard-y?” They make you look like a hobo. GET SOME NEW SHOES.
Note to Self: Putting on way too much bright blue eyeshadow and then wiping some off with a washcloth does not negate or even lessen the Joisey. Throw that shit OUT, you’re not even from there!
And let’s also point out that you keep old makeup like a hoarder keeps margarine lids. Get some new, or you’re gonna get the pinkeye. No wonder the cat is a drag queen!
And Self old friend, I know you think you’re “eating healthy” by having a salad… but it pretty much ruins the whole point when you smother it with bleu cheese dressing and shredded cheddar. Although it’s probably STILL better than your usual food group, known as “fried.”
And one final Note, dear Self: You cannot bitch that nobody thinks you have a “grown-up” job when you get paid to say “trouser-snake” on live radio.