Trust Me, I’m NOT Your Government

Okay, so Hurricane Irene didn’t turn out to be the start of the Zombie Apocolypse, but it still kept me glued to The Weather Channel all weekend (with my name and Social Security Number written on my arm in Sharpie marker as a show of solidarity with my coastal brothers and sisters).   And so, it’s time for the awards:

BEST DRESSED GOVERNOR  (OVERALL):  Andrew Cuomo, NY

BEST DRESSED GOVERNOR (SITUATION-APPROPRIATE):

Beverly Perdue, NC (I love the “shit’s goin’ down” collection from L.L. Bean!)

WORST DRESSED GOVERNOR:  Chris Christie, NJ (dude, is that a TRACK SUIT???  Are you heading to Five Guys after this?)

And on the subject of dear Governor Christie, yes, Dear Sweet Mama, he does appear to be a schmuck.  But I have to come down on the side of the “pro-evacuation” folks… I really do think so few people got kilt because there weren’t a lot of people STILL THERE to BE kilt!  Plus, bitching about a smaller-than-expected death toll makes you look like… well, I think you know.

As I have said before, meteorology is HARD, yo.  Even with my very limited experience making the stupid graphics, it sure looked to me like we wuz all gonna die!  And the very nature of the business (The “Smuggler’s Blues” of meteorology, if you will) is PREDICTIVE.Unfortunately,  weather is UNpredictable and dangerous and IT DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU.  So, for all those people who’ll refuse to evacuate NEXT time because they didn’t get killed THIS time… may I introduce you to Mr. Darwin?

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37 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, GENIUS!, I Rule You, SCIENCE!, Weep for Humanity

37 responses to “Trust Me, I’m NOT Your Government

  1. ahhh the fish with feet…so refreshing… I always say if you don’t hustle your ass to saftey when you have the chance don’t cry to me when you loose something dear to you!

    and as my husband would say…bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!

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    • I myself have ridden out some bad ones on the Outer Banks… but that was back when they’d be all like “there’s gonna be a hurricane” and you’d say “When?” and the answer was , “NOW.” So there was no point in trying to run and getting trapped in the car, when it was much more safe and cozy in a bar! Nowadays, you have plenty of warning, so get the fuck out! And if nothing happens, BE THANKFUL, you ungrateful shit!

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  2. I have been using this as an example for why so many people didn’t get the shit out of town for that Katrina. Dude, it’s annoying and expensive, and the weather tells us we’re going to die three times a year. After a while, you just kinda shrug and decided not to spend rent money vacationing somewhere like Leesville, LA.

    I am, however, pretty certain that with the earthquake (which must have opened up the earth to let out the zombie plague) and then the hurricane (which moved the zombie plague into the water), this IS the beginning of the zombie uprising. It’s just smaller than expected with the low body count.

    Filter your water.

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  3. Hoody, you is straight up delightful.

    Sorry about that — I sat near a weirdo on the bus this morning and I think I may have caught something…

    Pearl

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  4. Dear Sweet Mama

    Can’t wait to send you my “get the hell out of Asbury Park” collection of shirts, appropriate for tanning on the Boardwalk. Jeez. However, now everyone wants to come here ’cause they think we’re cool. And we are.

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  5. Awesome. As usual. Sartorial awards for governors? Inspired.

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  6. Of COURSE he was going to Five Guys. He’s the gov of Joy-sey! Must you ask? And seriously, have you had their burgers? Wouldn’t you want that to be your last meal? (no, me neither).

    I love the interviews of the people who are like “fuck it, it’s just a little wind and rain. I’ve survived through other storms, no problem.” Dumb asses. And don’t get me started on the stupid reporters (actually do, but I’m gonna talk about that on the my blog . . .)

    Oh, and have I mentioned lately that I love you? No? Oh, I do. Thanks for letting me be one of the voices in your head. It’s crowded in there, but we have lots of fun! 😀

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    • I have worked in the media for more than 10 years now, and I have NEVER understood why you send a reporter out into a dangerous situation… to tell people not to go out in the dangerous situation! It’s because the people inside making the decisions are heartless fucks… like me!

      And I love you, too, of course — blog hard and stay tuned for possible promotions to The Royal Court!

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  7. Wait…were people really writing their names on themselves?

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    • not that I know of THIS time… but DSM and I did once hear a state trooper tell folks who refused to evacuate to write their names on their arm to make it easier to identify their bodies! It gets the message across.

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  8. I did enjoy Christie saying “You’re tan enough. Get the eff out.” Or something like that. I think my favorite coverage was the guy from Brooklyn, wearing a “New York’s Greatest Dad” t-shirt while swimming down the street. People like you make me vote for mandatory sterilization, assbag. Your gene pool needs chlorinated.

    Glad all y’all are okay over there.

    I’m kind of getting a kick out of everyone on FB complaining Dunkin Donuts isn’t open today. DUDE. You get a free day off work due to a natural disaster. Sleep in or something.

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    • Dear Sweet Mama

      The governor said, “You people in Asbury Park, get the hell off the boardwalk. Quit working on your tan.” Or something to that effect. Those of us who live in Asbury Park promptly said “You ain’t the boss of me” and headed to the Boardwalk. Give me a break – it wasn’t even raining yet.

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    • The drive-thru was closed at my DD. I had to GET OUT OF THE CAR to get my coffee this morning. Oh the humanity! It’s hard times over here. You win Irene. You win.

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  9. Yeah, it’s crazy to say “I’m not going to leave this time ’cause the last one was’t bad.” But you just know tons of people will.

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  10. I don’t get the logic of people who say, “Well, it wasn’t that bad here.” Irene WAS that bad. It’s just that she was bad in random flashes, like up in Vermont where they have historic flooding that has washed away lots of equally historic buildings. When they tell you it’s gonna be bad, it’s a prediction that it’s gonna be bad for SOMEBODY. If that body ain’t you, just be grateful and be prepared. Eventually, it’s gonna be you.

    I survived Hurricane Opal in Alabama, years ago. It wasn’t one of the bigger hurricanes, but the damage in our area was unreal. Power lines were down in our backyard. You could literally see where the tornadoes had hopscotched across the neighborhood. We were driving over wires for a week, you couldn’t walk down the street because nobody was sure if they were live wires or not. No power, no phone, no cable and no resources for five days. And we were the lucky ones. Of course, never living in Tornado Alley again is one of the clauses in my marriage contract. I’m too lazy to pack my shit up five times a year.

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  11. I appreciate your clever use of grammar and spelling in this post. It makes me feel like you’re being funny without making it obvious that you’re telling me what to do. I likes it.

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  12. I am fairly certain Good Ol’ Bev needs to lay off the botox…

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  13. I want to kick Track Suit in the balls.

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  14. I hate when people don’t evacuate and then people have to go in and save them. I do, however, go outside and look around when we get severe storm warnings – I’ve mentioned Cheyenne people are weather nerds, right? Nothing gets us as happy as a tornado…right up until one of them finally kills someone. Then we’ll know its serious.

    It is all fun and games until someone loses three roofs (rooves?), two cars and a whirly-gig. Effin’ hailstorms.

    But from this distance, I’m glad it was less serious in most parts than they feared. And good thoughts to everyone as they recover. May your drive thru coffee place of choice be feet free very soon.

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  15. Per Pearl: “Straight up delightful”, I like it!

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