Dear Sweet Mama Gets Voodooed

Laws, yes it HAS been awhile since we’ve had an Adventure with Dear Sweet Mama, who is now in the process of moving (again) to New Jersey (again). Yes, DSM and the Concubine are moving to the Joisey Shore right in the middle of a hurricane, but what else did we really expect?  So, allow me to present: 

 “Dear Sweet Mama Gets Voodooed”

or, “The Price We Pay for Cable”

So Dear Sweet Mama had the cable dude over to hook up the TV/internet/phone and all in the new house and it… did not go well.  He was an unintelligible Dominican dude and apparently everything she asked him to do — like putting cable in a room that had never had cable or moving the cable hookup from one corner to the other — basically, anything related to HIS JOB… was something he “could not” do.  He also told her he “could not” drill a hole in the wall FOR the cable because “an electrician has to that.”  WTF?  Plus he parked his truck in the (new) neighbor’s driveway and her OCD son like to lost his shit about it.

That’s when Dear Sweet Mama did something she almost NEVER does… she called the company to complain.  Now, East Coast Aunt is a first-class complainer and she always ends up getting free shit out of the deal, but Dear Sweet Mama… not so much.  And this may be why.

The cable company — no shit — sent out a REMEDIATOR to talk to Dear Sweet Mama — like a cable therapist or something!  And the remediator made an appointment for a technician to come back and do the work the Dominican dude would not… but when the appointment came, THEY HAD SENT THE SAME DOMINICAN DUDE!

DSM says she had thought he was surly the FIRST time, but he was UBER-surly the second!  So I’m figuring she’s gonna get voodooed or something for pissing him off.  There’s the hurricane and all, plus The Concubine has already been attacked by geese (see?  It’s not just me!), so shit’s startin’ to go down!

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32 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, La Vida Loca

32 responses to “Dear Sweet Mama Gets Voodooed

  1. It’s not just you, geese are fucking evil. Those mothers just attack for fun. There’s a whole bunch of ducks near here, and unfortunately, some geese too, and it’s touristy to go feed them bread, and I like feeding the duckies…

    The geese don’t wait, they bite your butt (yes, literally jabbing you in the rear end) if you don’t make with the bread quick enough. Fuckers.

    Part of the voodoo will probably be that when your DSM gets cable, it’ll only have weather channel that tells her about weather in Guam, and a shopping channel in Korean. Maybe Antique Roadshow, but only if DSM hates it.

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    • I’m kinda hoping it gets stuck on one of those Japanese game shows that make absolutely no fucking sense! She won’t last a day. And their geese are allegedly “wild geese” but their neighbor across the street tries to keep them penned up (which doesn’t work because BIRDS CAN FLY, DUMBASS!). So when they get out they’re already pissed off, and then the Concubine fed them cherries, and they shat cherry shit all over the new driveway. Still not as bad as the one who blacked my eye, but it’s getting there.

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      • jesus h christ on a stick, so now the driveway is covered with cherry coloured chalk/lime birdshit that you’d have to angle-grind off if you let it dry out? That’d be funny, so long as it wasn’t my driveway…

        There’s a Japanese show that you can youtube (or you could, a while back), where they essentially ambush people on the toilet. From what I could gather, they take over the bathrooms in a mall or something, and build a fake toilet stall… and when little Noriko sits down to do her business, some Godzilla-like thing erupts from the stall …

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  2. I guess I’d best be boxing up the chupacabra to send to DSM so she can unleash him on the Voodoo Dickwad. (That sounds like a band.) Pro tip: she can keep the Concubine safe from the chupacarbra by covering him in mustard. Chupacabras hate mustard. Freaks. The best condiment and they don’t like it? Double freaks.
    Geese can be manipulated to walk directly into oncoming traffic with a tasty bait trail of old Krispy Kremes.
    Um… so I hear. Yeah, hear.

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    • “Voodoo Dickwad” may have just surpassed “Unexpected Panda” as my if-I-ever-have-a-band name. And DSM is content to sit on the porch and watch The Concubine get attacked by the geese — DSM’s twice as mean as catshit!

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  3. If you flap your arms like you are a gigantic bird, those geese freak the fuck out and run away, just FYI. It’s pretty fun even if you do look like an idiot while doing it. I taught a little kid to do this who was being swarmed by some geese at the park, and he was laughing instead of crying after that.

    The timing of this hurricane is impeccable. Most of my family is out gallivanting around Europe this summer, and are due back in New York this weekend before flying to their respective homes. You know, on the day that Irene is planning to flood the northeast.

    So here’s what DSM should do: Find out who the CEO of her cable company is, executive staff, etc. Next, figure out their email convention at the company. It’s usually pretty easy, like firstname.lastname@company.xxx. Then she should write an email and send it to the members of the board, executive staff and CEO. It is called an “Executive level carpet bomb” and will get the cable company’s attention (I should know, my former job at my current place of employment was dealing with people that did this to us). They’ll probably even give her free shit. Just don’t threaten to sue, or they’ll hand you off to legal and the blackhole that is corporate lawsuits.

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    • I think DSM has done enough to piss off that Dominican dude already! And I’m fairly sure that if I flapped my arms at a goose, all that would happen would be that I’d look like a dumbass shortly before my death!

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  4. Those cable guys are DICKS. Tell her to call and complain again. Tell her to threaten to switch over to Verizon “if this is the kind of service I should expect from your company”. Because they are DESPERATE for customers… we switched to Direct TV a couple of years ago and they send someone to our house with crazy deals like twice a year trying to get us to switch back.

    On another note, I was going to make a joke here about threatening to call immigration on the guy because my husband is a first generation hispanic immigrant so I’m allowed to say racist shit, but I figured it was too controversial. It REALLY helps to have a Spanish speaking husband in NJ though, especially when I have to deal with people doing manual labor 🙂

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  5. She needs voodoo protection. I can provide that for the right price. Circus Peanuts.

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  6. Does DSM sew? Maybe the best defense is a good offense… voodoo dolls, anyone?

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  7. We must be related! Moving into the path of a hurricane seems like something my mom would do. Just for the record, I hate geese too. The only place I like to see them is high in the sky flying way the hell away from me.

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    • It was also her birthday weekend, and any hurricane that hits on DSM’s birthday is bound to be a bad one. I made her feel so bad for Katrina I thought she was gonna lose it… “Look, DSM, the gods know you like hurricanes, so they gave you one! SORRY ABOUT THAT, NEW ORLEANS, IT’S DSM’S BIRTHDAY!”

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  8. Damn, she must be the reason for the earthquake as well. Tell your DSM to knock that shit off!! For the sake of the entire East Coast.

    Seriously, she needs to escalate. Call to talk to someone, then ask to talk to their boss, then ask to talk to their boss, etc. until she gets what she wants. Also, make sure she tells them she does not want the Dominican guy again. He’s apparently pretty damn powerful. We are probably gonna get some type of plague of locusts next. Maybe she needs to invest in satellite . . . for everyone’s safety.

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    • There is a dead locust corpse outside my office, which probably doesn’t constitute a “plague”… but the thing is, he’s been there more than a week. ERGO, locusts are so evil nothjing will eat them! SCIENCE!

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  9. That is one whacked out cable company. Just send a dude who is allowed to drill holes in the wall. We don’t need mediation! We need holes!

    The geese at the office, luckily, want nothing to do with us. The ones in the city park are quite aggressive. Don’t go there in sandals. For a number of reasons.

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  10. Luckily, our utilities are handled by wrangling between Hubs (a big guy) and whoever they send to our house (invariably smaller). I get really tetchy if I have to handle that stuff, and me + tetchy + incompetent person = major shitstorm. They’d be whipping out the voodoo in self-defense.

    New Jersey is actually one of the lovelier states on the Eastern seaboard. Everybody is so apologetic about being from Jersey and eager to be well liked, DSM should get along famously. Just tell her to beware of the transplanted New Yorkers.

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  11. I am willing to bet her cable provider is Comcast, since the same goddamn surly Dominican dude came to my apartment to install my cable. There were many, many complaints. That was nine months ago, and I still hadn’t had to pay for cable.

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  12. I dunno, seems like a hurricane is the perfect way to get rid of a surly Dominican dude.

    Or any dude.

    I may send a few her way.

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  13. Ayeee chiweewee… Poor DSM! I’m not a complainer but hoo child it sounds like she should have called back when they sent VooDoo man back and pitched a royal fucking bitchfest complete with made-up words and speaking in tongues. Cause, yeah.

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  14. The last time a cable guy was in my house, he stole my checkbook. Had to close my account, and open a new one. Pain in the ass, and his ass is no longer working for the cable company.

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    • Really? That’s my secret fear — it’s why I never leave the workmen alone in the house. Yes, it makes them uncomfortable, but fuck THEM, we’re talking about ME!

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  15. Dear Sweet Mama

    When I was in New York, also known as the City, I had hoped to find a place to buy the VooDoo Floor Wash. But the place was going kinda apeshit crazy – you know how we buy toilet paper – they go to MACY’S!! Interesting hurricane preparedness. I simply must have these shoes and a matching handbag for my evacuation attire. I may make my own. I figure adding tequila and vodka will make the floor shine and I can drink it as I work which is a plus.

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    • 2 questions: Why were you looking for Voodoo Floor Wash In MACY’S? Everyone knows the devil’s in charge of Macy’s, just ask poor Gimbel’s. And 2: Tequila and vodka are for INTERNAL USE ONLY. Did you learn NOTHING in nursing school?

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