Another TRICK!

This post idea came to me from a conversation with Chuckweasel, who has nothing to do when his cable goes out because he does not read.  He swears the last book he read was “Runaway Ralph” in the 3rd grade.  I’m not entirely sure that’s a joke.  Which I find weird, because I myself read EVERYWHERE.  Even on the toilet.

Yes, THE MAN is at it again, my brothas and sistahs, trying to keep us DOWN with his VILE TRICKERY!

Here’s the Mike Sorentino:  Everyone’s all got their panties in a wad about Kindles and iPads and what-have-you so they can read electronic books.  That’s good, I want uneducated fucktards to read every chance they get, in the hopes they may someday develop a dual-lobed brain.  But therein lies the TRICK.

See, if everybody gets them a Kindle, they won’t be buying real BOOKS.  And you know what you need to read a real book?  A light source and eyes (or just fingers, if you’re blind… but if you’re blind, how are you reading this?). 

You know what you need to read a Kindle?  ELECTRICITY.

So if you buy a Kindle, you’re basically making yourself the power company’s bitch (even more than we all already are).  Batteries don’t last forever… and do you even have a deck of real cards to play Solitaire anymore?  And if you ever want a NEW Kindle book, you’re gonna have to pay that Internet bill, too.

This also crosses over into the OnDemand on the TV.  Now, I love me some OnDemand, because I notice I really don’t watch the movies I own, so it’s cheaper this way.  BUT… if you don’t pay the cable, you’re stuck with YOUR movies… which include such classics as “Lair of the White Wyrm”  (on VHS, bitches!) and “Weekend at Bernie’s.”  Even the stuff you “taped” on the DVR  while you still HAD cable… nope, can’t have that either.  FUCKERS.

So all this technology that is supposed to make life easier/better/more fun is actually just yet another way for THE MAN to make sure all us happy workers keep paying our bills.  BUT I AM ONTO YOU, “THE MAN!”  I will read real books by candlelight and watch every episode of “Firefly” AGAIN if I don’t have the money you want!  I am FREE!

But when my service/power/whatever goes out due to something YOU did?  Fucking fix that shit, what is this, Guam?

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34 Comments

Filed under Chuckweasel, GENIUS!, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, SCIENCE!, WTF???

34 responses to “Another TRICK!

  1. I work in tech support and I CANT KEEP UP! So either I am getting old and slow (quite possible) or people are demanding more electronic devices then they can fit in their homes and pockets!

    I plan to picket and riot after…if you want to join….

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    • I am so far behind in technology that when I friended a guy I went to college with (ie, haven’t seen for 12 years). on Facebook, the VERY FIRST THING HE DID was fuck with me about my fear of all things techie. Apparently my friends always HAVE, and always WILL, think of me as Amish. Which is fairly true.

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  2. When I moved 2 weekends ago, I realized that I had more boxes of books than anything else, so I was thinking maybe I needed to invest in a Kindle. But since that means giving in to The Man, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

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  3. I don’t actually own a kindle, I just have kindle app on my ipad. It’s totally wanktastic, but here’s the thing. I love reading. I love all books (ok, nearly all books, some people just put me to sleep), I read the little trivia things on Libra period pads, I read phone books… but in this stupid country, very few science fiction, fantasy, paranormal, urban fantasy whatever, is available except in maybe two stores in the country.

    This leaves me with ebooks. But just when you think it’s safe to just surrender to The Man, give him your damn credit card and be done with it, he turns about and kicks you in the taco. Ebooks arent always available in Australia. They are for you guys, but not for us. So I know it exists, but I can’t have it (unless, you know, the bittorrent fairy gives it to me, but I’d never do that because…). Copyright, import restrictions, licensing, whatever the fuck excuse it is, FIX IT.

    Also, Firefly is awesome. Goddamn iggnerant asswipes who took it off the tv. That’s who I should have given my stabbing from Bloggess to.

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  4. I had a kindle. And then it shit the bed. Well, in it’s defense, I stepped on it in the middle of the night. And Amazon didn’t think that was a “natural cause of death”. Ain’t that some fuckery?

    I love books. I love the smell of them, the feel of the pages, etc. BUT, moving books (and I have a shit ton and so do my kids) every three years sucks goat balls. In fact, I still have books in boxes because I no longer have enough bookshelves for them, and I don’t want to give the heirs of Sam Walton any more money by getting one of them fancy DIY particle board shelves.

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    • I currently have a system by which books I don’t like enough to read often but do like too much to throw out live on the back layer, while books I like to read a lot live in the front. That’s right, bitches — 6 bookcases each filled with 2 layers… I’m a GEEEEEEK.

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  5. I like real books, but I’m hooked on my Kindle. Hauling around books is just too damned much trouble. I actually lived in Guam. It sucked for that very reason. Every time you sneezed the power went out. After one particularly wicked Typhoon we had no power or running water for a MONTH. That’s when I moved back to the Mainland.

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  6. I have turned my back and dug in my heels on technology also. As much as is possible. The value of a book is hard to explain. Besides the obvious fact that you cannot alter a book that has been printed without evidence, touching the actual pages, and having enough respect to take care of the book give it added worth. Especially the books I have from my mother. When I take them out I know she touched those pages……read those lines.
    PS I have often thought that I should send my kids to an Amish farm for a couple of weeks each year, like camp, only for life skills and appreciation of their easy life. I wouldn’t even mind it myself.

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    • The only thing I think I would miss horribly in the Amish camp would be zippers… and y’all, of course. Unless we all went together?

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      • Zippers? I can easily live without them. I would have thought “deoderant”, but heck, in for a penny, in for a pound. At least for a week. lol
        I have some located about an hour away, but have yet to broach the subject of them “hosting” spoiled children/persons. For some reason, I don’t think they would go for it just to make money……….
        When I was in college I tended bar. About once a month a wagon full of Amish teenagers/young adults would pull up to the back door, order a bunch of drinks “to go”, and I would serve them. Maybe I could go back to hanging out in the bar and work out some kind of deal with them. We take your place for a week, you get a couple of kegs of beer. Does that sound like a good offer? lol

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  7. Yeah, so, six years ago, I lost about 1000 books because New Orleans freaking FLOODED and my house went all “underwater” and shit. I had the rest in storage in Colorado. I had somewhere in the range of 3000 total books.

    Once my favorites were destroyed, it was pretty easy to get sick of hauling the paper fuckers around anymore, so I donated them all to the library.

    I rather love my Kindle.

    Why? Well… I usually charge it at work, so I am stealing from the man to pay the man, I only have to charge it once a month, I have the 3G version, that’s FREE 3G, so I don’t have to have internets, and it is much easier to carry around when you are reading big hardback books like “A Dance with Dragons”. Oh, and I can “check out” books from the library for 2 weeks, and “lend” books to friends for 2 weeks.

    Mostly, I am saying that I am a convert, and I am sure that I can get one of those solar panels you can put on your backpack to charge my Kindle after the zombie apocalypse.

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    • DAMN that sucks. I can’t even imagine where I’d begin trying to replace all my books… some of them are pretty fucking obscure! Also, you suck to be reading “Dance with Dragons” before I get it!

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  8. Ahh, the great debate. I love books. English lit major in College, switched from Poly-sci because I can’t stand politics and love to read. It was the best! I got a degree by sitting around reading and talking and writing about books all day. It rocked! I have a ton of books in my house, lots in boxes. Moving them is indeed a big pain in the arse.

    But here’s the thing. I have a Kindle. I actually got it for free. I filled it up with all the free books from Amazon (noticing a trend here? Yep, I’m a cheap bastard). And you know what? I still order real live books all the time and read them. I have yet to read a book on the Kindle. My main concern is that since I usually get the chance to read about once a week when I escape from my kids to the bathtub to read and relax, I just know I will drop that electric thing into the water. And that doesn’t seem like a good idea. I have lost many an ipod already that way. So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m gonna stick to the real books for now and the Kindle is going to sit on my desk collecting dust and losing power. I’m just old school like that.

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  9. The man has to try really hard to get his hands on me. I love paper books. I love the smell of them, the feel of them, how the cats can’t come along and change what page you are on if you fall asleep while holding one (I have book reader thumbs that will hold my spot ALL NIGHT).

    Heck, they had to make a special R2D2 version to make me get a smart phone. So until a wookie starts reading books aloud from the Kindle, the paper industry is safe.

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    • I have often bruised my face by falling asleep holding a book and having it fall on my head. I either need stronger thumbs or lighter books.

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      • I’ve done that too! The key is to shift to your side when you feel you might be about to drift off.

        So…I just glanced up at my original post and read “The man has to try really hard to get his hands on me” and blinked. Why am I playing hard to get with The Boy? Why am I telling YOU this? Then I notice it is the man and the man is not The Boy. I, perhaps, need another cup of coffee.

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  10. I love the Kindle app on my iPhone, but I can’t be arsed with the real thing. The free books on Kindle are usually ass, except for the classics which I’ve already read. I do the library, because it’s 25 cents for them to hold a book for me and I can read them then return them. Of course, I’m still paying the man because he runs the library and I need computer access to order a book hold. Where Kindle and iBook really excel is romance and erotica — I can get books there I can’t get anywhere else, a lot of them are under $5, and nobody has to know what kind of filth I’m reading.

    I do have a brick load of paper books as it is, but a lot of them are about sewing and if the power is out, my sewing machine will not work. This worries me enough to occasionally consider buying a treadle machine, but it’s not a very serious consideration. My area really doesn’t get outages very often.

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    • They charge you a quarter to hold a book? Damn! That’s hard core. My library never charges to hold books. Then again, I’m usually the dummy paying full price for books from Amazon, so who wins here in the end? Exactly . . .

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      • I gotta agree, charging to hold a book is one short step away from fascism… THIS IS HOW THE TERRORISTS WIN, PEOPLE! I probably should get a Kindle, though, ’cause my big library branch is all spooky like the one in “Ghostbusters” and I HATE going into the stacks!

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  11. While you’re technically correct that all you need to read a book is a light source and eyes, in practice I’ve found that for real books, I need a light source, eyes, and more bookshelves than I actually own.

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  12. *laughing*
    What the fuck, dude. Are we sharing a brain or something?? Don’t bow down to the man! FIGHT!!

    I like to read on the crapper. Hehe.

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    • I very rarely do anything people want me to do. The reason I kept smoking for so many years is that I didn’t want those RAZE kids with their obnoxious commercials to win. Shut the fuck up, you’re like NINE. You have no idea how bad life makes you want a ciggie! Fuck, I wish I hadn’t quit…

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  13. The Man is so transparent. What an a-hole.

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  14. OMFG i can’t believe you have “Lair of the White Wyrm”!!!!

    you are about 1000% cooler now that i know that.

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  15. Pingback: Apparently I’m “It” | hoodyhoo

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