The F***ing Walmart

Today is Chuckweasel’s birthday (happy birthday, you old bastard!), so what better way to celebrate than to thoroughly insult and disparage “his” Walmart?

To begin, let it be understood that Chuckweasel’s Walmart (also known as “this fucking Walmart!”) is the one that is closer to his apartment, whereas “my” Walmart is closer to my apartment.  Yes, in WBGV, we have Walmarts about every 10 miles or so to make sure you’re never without access to crap.  Now here’s the thing — BOTH the Walmarts in question were built back before Walmarts sold groceries (a dank and dismal time WHICH I HAD TO LIVE THROUGH, thankyouverymuch!), but here’s the thing:  MY Walmart chose to remodel and expand to accomodate groceries, whereas Chuckweasel’s Walmart…. did not.  So they’ve just got shit jammed in any ol’ where, and it makes not a damn bit of sense!

For example, in MY Walmart, pet food, cleaning supplies and paper towels and such are all at the back (where you’re supposed to start, but I’ll cover that later), right before you get into the serious grocery section.  Therefore, you can get all your stuff that is relatively LARGE (cat litter, toilet paper, etc.) before you buy small things like eggs and capers.  Then you move through soft drinks, bottled, water, and liquor… see the size progression?  This makes SENSE.

In Chuckweasel’s Walmart, pet food is in the center aisles near the front, right behind birthday cards (WTF?  “Happy Birthday Grandma!  Here’s some Friskies!”).  You then go through some of what can only be called “weird shit aisles” before reaching paper goods and THEN cleaning supplies… but the cleaning supplies are arranged in some kind of psychotic order having nothing to do with the way they are used.  Then you are finally at the back of the store to begin filling your cart with cases of Coke and flats of water, but you CAN’T, ’cause YOU’VE ALREADY HAD TO PASS EGGS AND MILK and they’ll get mooshed in the cart!   This DOES NOT make sense.

Of course, the reason this upsets me so is that I HATE to backtrack in the store.  I make my grocery list in order of the way “my” store is arranged, and making me go to the fucked-up Walmart fucks up my EN-tire list!  Dear Sweet Mama trained me from birth to start at the back of the store (Cokes, etc.) and move forward, only backtracking to pick up meat (which you get LAST, right after frozen food — duh). 

CHUCKWEASEL DOES NOT KNOW HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SHOP.

So he’s all willy-nilly all over the place, backtracking to and fro and coming back to meet me — because he knows where I’ll be BECAUSE I FOLLOW THE SYSTEM.  Swear to GAWD, that boy ain’t right.  Maybe he’ll get wiser with age?

Anyhoo, happy birthday, you crazy fuck!  You know we love you! : )

PS — Yesterday was Poor Ol’ Dad’s birthday, but I can’t say anything bad about him.  Number 1, he goes to MY Walmart, Number 2, he found me a good therapist, and Number 3, he has a gun.  But happy birthday, Poor Ol’ Dad!

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38 Comments

Filed under Aw, Chuckweasel, I Rule You, I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, SCIENCE!, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

38 responses to “The F***ing Walmart

  1. Hrm, Chuckweasels Walmart is laid out the same way the local supermarket is. That is to say, really fucking stupidly.

    You walk in directly to the vegetables, roast chickens, and crushable things. Tomatoes, that kind of thing. Then you get to the cold stuff, and all the way down the other end of the store is the toilet paper. Only the meat and frozen goods are basically all around the walls towards the end. There is NO way to navigate that makes sense. You have to go back and forward about 4 times, because all the going back and forward makes you forget all the shit you were meant to buy in the first damn place. Woe betide you if you split up, too, I swear there’s still couples walking back and forth along the ends of the aisles trying to find each other.

    Then when you FINALLY get to the end, and one of you has to man the counter while the other one has to run back to get the shit you forgot, then you realise all the stupid cashier stations are closed, and only the “self service” sections are open.

    I hate supermarkets. Apparently also I can’t write short comments.

    Happy Birthday Chuckweasel & Poor Ol’ Dad. It seems to be family birthday time, it’s my own mama’s birthday tomorrow.

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    • I have actually had to call Chuckweasel on the cell phone to find out where he’s got off to in his craptastic Walmart. Even knowing what he went to get doesn’t help you locate him, because NOTHING IS WHERE IT SHOULD BE!

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  2. Happy Birthday to CW and POD!

    I loathe Wal-Mart and refuse to go. And seriously? They’re as big as football stadiums here.

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    • Walmarts in WBGV are so huge that’s the only chore I’ll do in a day — one trip of navigating all the myriad aisles and idiots and I’m spent. I just put away the cold syuff and let the rest sit on the counters until I’ve been revived by a frozen liquor drink!

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  3. Chuckweasel

    Thank you, you crazy nut bag!! I love ya. Turning the big 4-0 not a big deal. So far, so….oops broke my hip typing. Gotta go call med-alert.

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  4. Well, I hope all the birthday joy works as a good excuse to drink, some.

    Me, I can’t shop for food in the WalMart. Those places freak me right out. And it isn’t the lady in curlers and a hospital gown billowing around her giant naked ass, or the guy that looks like Elvis ran into a window and stuck that way checking out groceries, or the small children running around underfoot SCREAMING in the way that only children can (those adorable little crotch fruits)… no. It’s that the Super(duper) Wally wally wally world around here has a MOUSE problem, and those little guys LEAP AT YOUR HEAD in the bread aisle, kamakaze bastards.

    But I agree about the order of things. Except booze. You can’t buy booze anywhere but a liquor store out here. That means the meat and milk and butter and ice cream sit in the hot car while I run inside for beer.

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    • Our Walmarts JUST got liquor, and I was FUCKING DUMBFOUNDED. I seriously stood there looking at the aisle like it was the Promised Land or something. And one of the Walmarts around here used to have a tiny BIRD problem (not a tiny problem, tiny birds) — apparently the roof wasn’t sealed right and the little bastards made themselves right at home!

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  5. Firstly, happy birthday to Chuckweasel! For a good present, make him take you out to dinner and then give you a foot massage. These are the things that really make him happy and fulfilled. Yes, they are. YES THEY ARE.

    We have three “super” Walmars out here relatively nearby. One is “our” Walmars, because it’s closer. However, it doesn’t have alcohol, which gives me the vapors if I think about it. That Walmars, with the lovely Drink Me Drink Me aisle, is called “The GOOD Walmars.” (Yeah, kind of a relative thing there.) Then we have the Walmars in the ghetto part of town. We call that the “Tetanus Walmars” or the “Stabby Stabby Walmars.”
    I cheat on “our” Walmars all the time with “good” Walmars. Because, you know, necessities of life and all.

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    • We have “my” Walmart (the good Walmart) and Chuckweasel’s Walmart (that fucking Walmart). We also have Hoody Rite-Aid (as in from da hood, not as in me), Not-So-Hoody Rite Aid, and Good Rite Aid… as well as the Hoody-Hoo Kroger (which IS in the sense of my name that means it’s all la-di-da fancy and has better stuff than the other Krogers).
      And we went out for fat-laden breakfast (Chuckweasel is an avid devotee of the Ham and Cheese Omelet). I had a fried pork chop with applesauce, 2 fried eggs over-medium and hash browns with white gravy. Yeah, I’m an embarrassment.

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  6. And I forgot to say…. I used to work at “good” Walmars. Hated it with a white-hot passion. Good alcohol, bad bad job.

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  7. Happy Birthday, CW! Can’t wait to see you on the next commercial for walk-in bathtubs!

    And HH, the only thing that could be better than cat food beside the birthday cards is if they put it by the Jello or Depends. “Aunt Bethany? Does your cat like jello?”

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    • It’s truly odd — it goes: birthday cards, wrapping paper, cat and dog food, tupperware tupperware weird-shit, then paper goods. NONE OF THESE THINGS MAKE GOOD GIFTS, WALMART!

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  8. Everything is better with Christmas Vacation quotes, even Walmart!

    We have “our” Walmart about 3 minutes from my front door. It’s acceptable but small and has a limited selection. Also, they sell produce in the aisles, which is fucked up…..but then they have an alcohol section….but they don’t sell any of the good alcohol. Anyway. I go there when I absolutely have to, like we’re out of kitty litter or I need glue.

    We have the “good” Walmart in another town 20 minutes over. They have a McD’s inside. When my two oldest were at the impossible toddler stage, I would stick them in the shopping cart basket, cruise on through and buy a large Chicken McNugget meal, split it between them (I got the mega Diet Coke, they could have small sips) and got my shopping done. I haven’t been there in years because I associate it with toddlers and tantrums.

    They are building a Target 4 minutes from my front door. I suspect my days of Walmart runs are numbered.

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    • I used to live near a Walmart that had a Mickey D’s in it — you could even order your meal AT THE CHECKOUT and pick it up on your way out. Now the nearby Walmarts both have Subways, where I won’t eat due to my hatred of Jared.

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  9. Oh, and Happy Birthday to Chuckweasel and Poor Ol’ Dad! Talk about missing the point of the post. To be fair, I was entertaining friends last night and couldn’t get them to leave until I went to bed at 2 am.

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  10. Happy birthday to CW and POD. I haven’t had enough coffee, so that’s all I have to say right now.

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  11. Dear Sweet Mama

    Our “new” NJ Walmart has a very poor selection of groceries, forcing us to go to Wegman’s (YES – they do have one in NJ) and shop which is okay because they have a HUUUUGE liquor store where I can get ALL KINDS OF LIQUOR – wait til you visit, Hoody, you will LOOOVE it – anywho, what was I talking about? And, happy birthday to those old guys in your life.

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    • But the true question — does your new Walmart have — and I quote — “too many white people” in it like mine did in Huntington?

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      • Dear Sweet Mama

        Noooo – we are back in NJ – a remarkably diverse neighborhood. Sometimes you don’t hear any English all day long unless the Concubine is talking to me.

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  12. Happy Birthday Chuckweasel… that sounds kinda dirty (or is it supposed to? Or am I just perverse?)….

    Don’t you have the two-tiered grocery cart where you at? It’s pretty handy, so even if your order is fucked up in the store, you can plan ahead and put heavier stuff on the bottom, and fruit and eggs and bread on the top “shelf” of the cart. Cart engineering genius!!

    I hate Walmart in general, but it doesn’t stop me from shopping there and spending my $88.57 average spend per head quota. F*ckers.

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    • I am not a fan of the lower level of the shopping cart, because that involves something ALMOST like exercise, and Hoody don’t play that. I do, however, stack large items so their bar codes are on top. That way, the girl can just scan them with her gun and I don’t even have to take them out of the cart!

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  13. I absolutely cannot stand when I have to double back to get something I forgot an aisle or 2 over. I always plan my shopping based on MY store and the location of each item per aisle. But sometimes I like to do the psychic-type shopping where I have the list, but think I remember what is on the list without looking, then after I am all done, THEN looking at the list and realizing I forgot 2 things in the very first aisles and having to run all the way back, with a cart full of stuff, to get the forgotten items. It’s really my own stupidity, but I think I should blame it on my psychic powers just not fully developing yet.

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    • I too have tried psychic shopping — it didn’t work for me either. I once did NOT buy (much-needed) ketchup for so long that I developed an obsession with it, and I then bought ketchup EVERY TIME I went to the store for months. We had a lot of meatloaf that year.

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  14. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that’s neurotic about shopping. I can’t handle certain stores because they’re not set up right, and I refuse to shop there because I get all freaked out and twitchy and end up leaving without buying anything because I HATE how the place is set up! AGH!

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    • I’m with you, TWP, on the wonky set-ups some of these dumps have. But for twitchy, nothing compares to my ex(yay me for having sense to escape) boyfriend, who would RUN, hands over ears, if the muzak “offended” him. Seriously.
      I did notice this would happen a lot when we had a full cart, and he’d run off and I’d wind up paying.

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    • I get REEEEEALLLY bad when, as we say here, “thar’s a storm a’comin'” and all the aisles are tore all to hell with people fighting over bread and sundries. I cannot STAND a disordered store! This also keeps me home on Black Friday. And what kind of pussy runs from Muzak? Unless it was Lionel Ritchie…

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  15. I have 3 walmarts in my area that I frequent and they confuse and piss me off because they are just similar enough to let you forget which one you’re in and then you get lost trying to remember which one you’re in and how its only Slightly different!

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    • Some of “that fucking Walmart’s” aisles are set up so that if you’re in them long enough, you begin to believe you’re in the GOOD Walmart… then you’re even more lost and sweary when you come out!

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  16. Happy birthday Chuckweasel!
    Here the stores are arranged so you hit the optionals on the left (electronics/clothes etc) fresh fruit/veg/meat straight on chilled to the right, then cans, then dried goods and bakery, then crap aisles, then drinks then frozen then pets added on at the bottom in it’s own little square area and finally cleaning if you need it on the way to the till.
    My supermarket has just been remodeled and i like it since i rarely buy cat food from there, or cleaning stuff or drinks so i can grab my fresh grub and get the hell outta dodge….or rather..sainsbury’s.

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    • Yeah… we don’t do “sense” over here… we do “Olives? You want olives? BWAHAHAHA! What color?” Because yes, black and green olives are not always together, I shit you not.

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  17. Happy belated Birthday CW! My coworker’s birthday was yesterday, too. Hmmmm…

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  18. Is it wrong to scream “FUCK” in WalMart? Oh. Well, next time I will whisper it.

    I’ll also choose to shop at a store based on how well it’s laid out. If I can’t wrap my mind around their system, I’m leaving. Problem here in my latest small town, country location is there is ONLY ONE WalMart about 20 minutes away. ONE. And it’s a huge Super WalMart. This means I get lost in it every. time. besides not being able to find what I want.

    Happy Birthday ChuckWeasel and Poor Ol’ Dad!

    Like

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