Are You Kidding Me?

Due to what I like to call “my eclectic interests,” and what Chuckweasel likes to call “that weird shit you like,” I have managed to get myself on some fairly odd mailing lists.  So I get this catalog yesterday, and first of all, I’m flabbergasted that I’m getting a Halloween costume catalog IN AUGUST.  Then Chuckweasel reminds me that some people like to, um, “plan” things?  I don’t know what that means, so let’s move on.

Then I start to get ticked off that all the costumes appear to be for small children… then I hit the teen section… then I hit what I THOUGHT was the adult section…

It wasn’t.  The section with the really slutty costumes that I THOUGHT were for grown-ass women… nope, STILL IN THE TEEN SECTION!  There were only 3 adult costumes in the whole damn thing, and they were so you and your teenage daughter could wear MATCHING vampire-whore outfits.

Seriously??? How did I get on a pedophilia mailing list???  In what world is it appropriate to allow your, let’s say 15-year-old so we’re right about in the middle range, to dress up as a Sexy Nurse?  Or a sexy ANYTHING?  The last costume I remember Dear Sweet Mama approving of for me was fucking SMURFETTE!  And she still made the skirt longer than the real Smurfette because, let’s face it, Smufrette’s kind of a skank.  Naughty Devil?  No. Way. Jose.

Some of these things I wouldn’t even wear as a grown ass adult!  And you sick fuckers at the costume company think I should buy them for my DAUGHTER???  The little BOY costumes aren’t fucking Tarzan loincloths and shit, so why must the little GIRLS dress like streetwalkers?

I told Chuckweasel I was gonna send the catalog to the FBI with a Post-It that just said “SEE?  This is why!”  Although I’m probably already on some kind of fucking Wanted list just for having the damn thing in the house…



Filed under I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

27 responses to “Are You Kidding Me?

  1. I started looking at Halloween costumes last month. It’s never too early to look at Halloween costumes.


  2. I saw halloween candy in the grocery store last week. I was like “already?” Then the catalogue came. Same one you got probably. The costume selection this year sucks by the way. Unless I want my kids to be slutty _______s, then I have a multitude of choices.

    I am not a planner either, so I’m sure I’ll keep seeing these things until about October 15th, when I’ll be like, hey maybe I should get costumes!!


  3. I just wait until the Halloween stores open around here. You know the ones that rent the old empty Wal-Mart for a month and are filled with Halloween joy and then vanish overnight like an unattended iPad at a Starbucks? I don’t understand this “planning in advance” thing. I thought you were supposed to shoddily sew your costume on Halloween?

    Anyway, last year I was shopping for ideas and I kept thinking, “but I don’t WANT to dress as a slutty anything. Heels and drinking DO NOT WORK” and I came across a teen skintight suit with bones on it titled, “Annie Rexia”. Because eating disorders are funny, and should be marketed to teens. The skin tight suit didn’t even look good on the model. It was like a self-fulfilling costume.

    Seriously, they should have just made a vomit suit and called it “Bull-Mia” or something.


  4. Halloween is like an excuse for everybody’s horrible prejudices to come out and hang around together. It’s also a pretty big neighborhood thing around here. I’ve seen people dressed as racial caricatures and wearing fat suits, which pisses me off more than the “slutty” stuff — although I do have to say, I’ve only seen two “slutty” costumes and they were on older teens and those teens had the good sense to wear bloomers underneath. They were dressed as a couple of the Strawberry Shortcake characters. It was adorable, really.

    I have boys so I get to ignore that whole section of the costume shop. What pisses me off about costume shopping is there is nothing — NOTHING — in between size 14 and a men’s large. If you’re a teenage boy, you’re supposed to just put on a gory face mask and call it a day. That’s sexist, if you ask me. Boys should have the option of dressing up too. Like a two dollar whore if they so desire.


    • would the boys be willing to wear the girl costumes and go as very bad drag queens? Like, no wigs, legs still hairy, maybe a little beard-y stubble? I think that would be cute!


  5. Sorry, I’m not actually replying to the comment above, but my work computer is a fucking Nazi and won’t let me leave, you know, my own comment. Cause I’m not mature enough to be commenting unattended. Bastards.

    You know, I think I’ll just let my *hypothetical* child be a nudist for Halloween. That’ll make everything else look so much better.


  6. The Boy dresses up as an accountant. That’s his normal engineer nerd clothing but with a tie. I am to that age where I don’t think anyone wants to see my 30+ year old knees…so Halloween costumes are getting hard to find.

    When we have kids, they’re going to be pea pods and care bears until they turn 20.


    • Dear Sweet Mama made me a pumpkin costume when I was a wee tot that I wore for YEARS… then I think I was a little Indian girl (fringed felt dress and beads with a feather in my headband) for awhile… then the Smurfette incident (who knew blue paint doesn’t come off a child?).
      I conceal my own almost 35 year old knees with either the long Vampire Queen nightgown or the Medieval Serving Wench dress.


  7. Last year the little was Yoda and the preteen was a pirate, and that costume was hussyish enough that I made her wear a tshirt underneath it and tights, even though it was pushing 80 degrees out. The two years before that, she was Hermione, because I’ll be damned if i pay $40 for a costume and you wear it once. I always go as “bitter Halloween hater who hasn’t had enough booze”.


    • You live down the street from me, don’t you? I’m recommending the Helicopter Moms solution: carry a plastic cup with you trick-or-treating. Margaritas tend to go well with chocolate.


    • I think I saw that pirate outfit and almost bought it for myself… then freaked out when I noticed it could only be bought in teen sizes! Good call on the T-shirt. And I once went as “someone who gives a damn” but I couldn’t pull it off.
      As for margaritas and chocolate, 2 words: Choco-Wine. I kid you not.


  8. DearSweetMama

    I love your idea for White Trash. That’s a great costume. Or the one a friend of mine did once with a bunch of balloons and she told people she was a hemorrhoid. Nurses have sick senses of humor.


    • I’m considering doing White Trash this year (yes, it does involve sticking paper plates and plastic forks to myself) if we go anywhere this year… but you never know when the parties will be since Wes’BYGAWD Virginny won’t let us trick-or-treat on the actual 31st if it falls on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday… What would Jesus do?


  9. 15 for slutty nurse? We don’t really do Halloween in Australia as such, but going by standard daily wear, 15 has become pretty old for slutty nurse.

    There are girls as young as about 10 wearing clothing ranges I can only assume are called things like ‘My First Trick’ and ‘Whoring can be fun!’.

    I’m obviously a bad person and will go to hell. I thought ‘Annie Rexia’ was funny.


    • I alos think ANnie Rexia is funny, just… disturbing. But I’m used to being inappropriate. And I swear, some of these little teeny girl outfits would be inappropriate on an ADULT, much less an 8-year-old!


  10. I get burned up about Slutty McPreteen costumes. That and young girls wearing Victoria’s Secret “Pink” brand pants with “PINK” tattooed on the ass. Might as well put neon lights on them that read “young vagina on the other side you dirty perverts.”


  11. Sending the catalog to the FBI with the post-it is genius! It’s a sad comment on our society when young girls are encouraged to dress like sluts, and boys are encouraged to dress like superheroes.

    A friend recently asked if I would play a hooker in her short film. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the influence said society has had on me and my clothing choices. Nothing at all. Let this be a lesson to you young ladies – stop while you still can!!


    • When I used to do community theatre, I LITERALLY never got a part that was not in some way hooker-related. “A Christmas Carol”? I was a “dancing girl” at the office Christmas party, nudge, nudge wink, wink. “Big River?” Natchez Dance Hall girl (that’s when I wore lingerie in front of our then-Governor — DSM was so proud) and then I did “Little Shop of Horrors… I was Chiffon. Yes, one of those tough “street girls” who you KNOW weren’t getting those gorgeous dresses from the Salvation Army. I believe I was typecast.


  12. Dear Sweet Mama

    I was very proud – I still have to work to keep from offering you up when I hear of any theater roles calling for underwear wearing. I am still proud even though you have graduated to working when no one else in the world is awake so you can slither into work in your sleep sweats and a baseball hat.


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