Um, yeah, so I think we can all agree I’m probably not what you’d call “parenting material.” I’m fine with kids in small doses, especially those which I can give back to their rightful
owners parents when they start to tick me off. But my OWN? That I’d have to KEEP? Ummmm, might not be good for anyone.
Case in point: As we are wont to do, Chuckweasel and I were watching “True Life,” and this episode was about kids who have bad acne and what they’re trying to do about it. Chuckweasel, being a decent human being more often than I am, actually felt sorry for the little snowflakes… but not me.
I spent the whole episode hollering “Stop touching your face! Get your HAIR cut! Dammit, I said STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE! That’s too much makeup! Use a sponge for that foundation! STOP TOUCHING YOUR GODDAMN FACE!”
So I now believe, “Toddlers and Tiaras” notwithstanding, that all girls should be forced to take the Barbizon modeling class before they’re allowed to start wearing makeup. Then they’ll learn how to do it RIGHT! And the posture and manners can’t hurt either. You could adapt the class for boys to teach them to WASH THEY FUNKY SELVES, not have bangs that come down to their chin, and PULL THEIR DAMN PANTS UP! I swear, the boy on the acne show said he had no friends because of his pimples… but he was walking around with the dyed-black Shaggy hairdo in his face, several of those weird bull-at-the-county-fair nose and lip piercings, wearing nothing but big ol’ baggy black pants with grommets and shit, and PLATFORM BOOTS AND EYELINER! Plus every shirt he owned had Marilyn Manson on it. Son, your pimples are THE LEAST of your concerns!
One of the other girls had her face lasered off (literally, the doctor said “You may smell some vaporized skin.”)… and then she was SURPRISED when she looked like George Hamilton after he fell asleep in his lawn chair! But the best part… the BEST part… is she went for a MODELING interview while she was all Revenge-of-the-Mummy looking with shit peeling off her face! And then she’s pissed she didn’t get it??? WHAT???
This may be the reason Dear Sweet Mama, Cousin Hep and I are considering forming a co-op to adopt a Chinese baby — so we could pass it around when we got sick of its shit.