Reason Not to Spawn #3,987

Um, yeah, so I think we can all agree I’m probably not what you’d call “parenting material.”  I’m fine with kids in small doses, especially those which I can give back to their rightful owners parents when they start to tick me off.  But my OWN?  That I’d have to KEEP?  Ummmm, might not be good for anyone.

Case in point:  As we are wont to do, Chuckweasel and I were watching “True Life,” and this episode was about kids who have bad acne and what they’re trying to do about it.  Chuckweasel, being a decent human being more often than I am, actually felt sorry for the little snowflakes… but not me.

I spent the whole episode hollering “Stop touching your face!  Get your HAIR cut!  Dammit, I said STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE!  That’s too much makeup!  Use a sponge for that foundation!  STOP TOUCHING YOUR GODDAMN FACE!”

So I now believe, “Toddlers and Tiaras” notwithstanding, that all girls should be forced to take the Barbizon modeling class before they’re allowed to start wearing makeup.  Then they’ll learn how to do it RIGHT!  And the posture and manners can’t hurt either.  You could adapt the class for boys to teach them to WASH THEY FUNKY SELVES, not have bangs that come down to their chin, and PULL THEIR DAMN PANTS UP!  I swear, the boy on the acne show said he had no friends because of his pimples… but he was walking around with the dyed-black Shaggy hairdo in his face, several of those weird bull-at-the-county-fair nose and lip piercings, wearing nothing but big ol’ baggy black pants with grommets and shit, and PLATFORM BOOTS AND EYELINER!  Plus every shirt he owned had Marilyn Manson on it.  Son, your pimples are THE LEAST of your concerns!

One of the other girls had her face lasered off (literally, the doctor said “You may smell some vaporized skin.”)… and then she was SURPRISED when she looked like George Hamilton after he fell asleep in his lawn chair!  But the best part… the BEST part… is she went for a MODELING interview while she was all Revenge-of-the-Mummy looking with shit peeling off her face!  And then she’s pissed she didn’t get it??? WHAT???

This may be the reason Dear Sweet Mama, Cousin Hep and I are considering forming a co-op to adopt a Chinese baby — so we could pass it around when we got sick of its shit.

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29 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), Weep for Humanity, White Man's Medicine

29 responses to “Reason Not to Spawn #3,987

  1. The co-op idea is genius! Be sure to keep the receipt, though. Chinese goods are sometimes shoddily made.
    Not a big fan of the delicate snowflake theory at ALL. Don’t get me started…. holy fuck.

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    • I’m sure we’ll be fine as long as we don’t lick the Chinese baby… lead poisoning, ya know! And now I have Kyle’s little brother Ike from South Park in my head saying “Don’t lick the baby…”

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  2. Now see, this is where I disagree with you. Based on this post, I think you would make an EXCELLENT parent. You obviously have this shit figured out already! Oh, and don’t feel bad, I can only take kids in small doses as well and I have 2 of those little buggers. Love em to death, but there is many a time I wish I could return them to their rightful owners. But when I look around for that person, I realize “oh damn, that be me.”

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  3. hey! Hoody you’re a genius. timeshare kids, that’s brilliant.

    I should have done one of those courses, in Australia it’s “June Daly Watkins”, she’s apparently been teaching the courses since my grandma was a teenager, so that makes the lady about 215 now.

    As it is, I didn’t, so I can belch in tune, and I can’t do makeup…

    Win some, lose some.

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    • the only knowledge I still use is how to do makeup so you don’t look like a clown or a whore (unless that’s your intention). And I can also do the sassy model walk whenever RuPaul or Right Said Fred comes on!

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  4. Having raised two kids myself, I can attest that you points are valid. Kids are stoopid.

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  5. As someone who has suffered (and still sort of does) with acne, I can assure you that Shaggy-boy is merely trying to deflect attention from his pimples. His reasoning is that if people stare, it must be the terrible hair/piercings/fashion choices. This probably gives him enough confidence to go out in public with pizza face, knowing people are gonna stare regardless. Bless his heart. I want to adopt him and take him to a dermatologist.

    Also, hands are better than makeup sponges because they get washed more often — although I’m with you on “STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE.”

    People used to raise kids in communities where you could send them to Aunt Mary down the street when you start to hate them. The kid time-share is not a new option.

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    • See, I was raised on the “use a makeup sponge once, then throw it out, it’s got your goo on it” theory — which is ALSO pretty bad for the self-image to think you’re covered in goo! So I fix that by only wearing foundation for special occasions (which I refer to as “Picture Day” like I’m in grade school). And everybody’s always on about “it takes a village to raise a child,” but very few people will back that shit up anymore! You think all them Little House on the Prairie bassurds would have survived if Ma couldn’t send them off somewhere for awhile?

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  6. My doctor told me I didn’t have acne, I had infection prone follicles. I told people that for years. Then, a couple years ago, I found out that is what acne is…stupid doctor.

    The bright side is that I didn’t have to come to grip with my zit problem until I was an adult and I was better equipped to handle it. I didn’t even need my parents signature to get that third bull ring through my nose.

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    • gotta love doctors… I really think they just say whatever they think and then giggle later about how we believed it! And I only get the painful pimple-in-the-fold-beside-your-nose thing… the rest of the time I’m too dry and flaky to support their ecosystem!

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  7. OH MY GOD that boy with his damn emo-Beiber do, hair all in his face- I wanted to shave his head and instruct him on hygiene! But not really. I too am not a fan of young folk.

    I think J and Chuckweasel are related.

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    • they have to be, right? they’re both always all Judgey McJudgerstein about how mean we are TO PERFECT STRANGERS! It’s not like I was saying this shit to their FACE, the dude’s on the TV!
      But I probably would say something to that emo kid’s face. And give him a shirt with Hello Kitty on it.

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  8. Ummm… I hate to break it to you but MOMS SAY ALL THAT SHIT to their dirty, greasy teenagers. Sounds to me like you are ready!

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    • These kids’ moms were totally enabling them, like spending thousands of dollars on pills and treatments and shit. I’m more like — “Oh, the treatment you want costs $2500? You know what costs less than that? SOAP. Now go wash your filthy ass, people think we’re harboring a hobo in here.”

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  9. I HAVE children and I feel the same way. My 23 year old grandson is staying with us. He walks around with his pants hanging half off. He kept protesting when I told him to pull them up. I finally told him that I had to look at his butt crack one more time I was going to show him mine. That grossed him out so bad he pulled his pants up.

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    • PERFECT! A kid walked in front of the car as Chuckweasel and I were waiting in the drive-thru the other day and I swear, you could see his en-TIRE rear end hanging out of his shorts. Like, the shorts were cinched around where the top of your leg BECOMES your actual ass, so you got like six full inches of tighty whiteys on view. WHY???????

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      • It’s worse than that now Hoody, they make REAL products that let idiots show their arse-ends.

        I refuse to give them any more google points, but have a look for sagz.

        They’re this combination of jeans and underwear that clip together so that the bozos who wear this kind of crap don’t have the whole lot slide down, because THAT would be the fashion mistake.

        Men’s underpants just aren’t that cool, and are frequently quite damn scary. Why would anyone want to see them?

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  10. I pretty much love you. Get out of my head.

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  11. I also have no desire to create my own human larvae. I might come in on the time share thing, if you have a 2 hour slot every 4 months. I don’t think I could take more than that.

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    • we were thinking we could all try to get some kind of guvmint benefits for the baby, so you’d just need to let me know when CPS was coming so I could FedEx it to you!

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  12. DearSweetMama

    I think the Chinese baby idea is brillant. But I only want a girl. And I want to teach her songs from South Pacific. I know that is not Chinese, but it is the only Asian thing I can’t think of other than Miss Saigon. And I don’t know any songs from that. When should we start the paperwork? I think Cousin Hep should do it cause she is a doctor and they will be all impressed with her – maybe we could hook her up with the Concubine on paper – I am pretty sure we could get one if a doctor and a priest are the parents, women or not.

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  13. LMAO!! This post rocks! You have me laughing so hard I’ve got tears running down my face. No plans here to spawn. And if I had even a hair of a thought about it, you just reminded me of why I have a cat instead of a kid. xo

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