Chuckweasel Does Not Know How to Boost

Chuckweasel and I went to the Ribfest this weekend (so-called because, well, they’re making ribs), and I learned a few things I thought I’d share with y’all.

First of all, you know you’re in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny when you walk into an outdoor fair-type event and the FIRST thing you see is a sign that says “Get Your Picture With a Critter” (which, in local parlance, is pronounced “Gitcher Pitcher Witta Critta.”  You know you’re with Chuckweasel when he takes a “pitcher” of the sign for future proof that it exists.  You know you’re with me when one of the “critters” is evidently a 100-lb. rat and I emphatically state that we will NOT be looking at that, not no way, not no how, but then spend the rest of the evening wondering about it — like what does it eat, how did that happen, what kind of rat is it, ARE THERE OTHERS?

Also, it may be rude to get the rib sampler from more than one place at once, since it means at some point, you will be in somebody’s line holding someone ELSE’S ribs, but Imma still freakin’ do it, ’cause those lines are LOOOONG, yo’.  And it may be even ruder to EAT said ribs in someone else’s line, but I needed sustenance, shut up!  And it wouldn’t be fair to that rib team if I let their ribs get cold before I judged them.  AND JUDGE I DID.  Not officially, just as a loud and intoxicated amateur.

I also learned that a child Elvis impersonator is sad and pathetic, but when you discover it is NOT a child-Elvis but in fact a MIDGET-Elvis, it goes from sad to terrifying.  On the plus side, I have now seen a black Elvis, a female Elvis, and a midget-Elvis, so I think I only need Asian-Elvis to complete the list.  Oh, crap — I also need Hispanic-Elvis and both kinds of Indian…

But the MOST important lesson is — Chuckweasel does not know how to boost.   Stay with me here:  Rather than step over and around people to get to the empty seats at the back of the little bleachers, I decided to clamber up from the back.  They were only about chest-high, and I had been listening to my good friend Mr. Coors for some time by that point, so I thought I could make it.  So I heaved one leg over and was valiantly trying to shove myself up with my arms when I felt Chuckweasel give me a boost from behind.  And I thought “aw, how sweet, he’s helping me up,” and leaned into the boost… THAT WAS NO LONGER THERE.  Yes, he quit boosting mid-boost.   

Now, HE claims he thought I made it and that’s why he quit, but the girl sitting ahead of me called bullshit — she said I totally had it UNTIL the boosting incident, when my misplaced trust led to my downfall.  Dammit, Chuckweasel!  Either boost or don’t boost, you can’t just take it away midway!

I am relatively uninjured, and I even managed to stay on my feet, but I do have some lovely bleacher-shaped bruises today… which Chuckweasel saw and could not remember how I got them.  Maybe Mr. Miller had led him a bit astray as well… or maybe he’s trying to murder me.  AGAIN.

Best line of the night:  I started sneezing uncontrollably when we walked in and Chuckweasel says, completely deadpan:  “You allergic to poor people?”

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37 Comments

Filed under C'est Vrai You Suck, I Rule You, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, Twu Wuuv, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

37 responses to “Chuckweasel Does Not Know How to Boost

  1. It’s a sad, sad commentary on my life that this is not the first set of bleacher bruises I have discussed this week. Mr. Coors and Mr. Miller don’t tell me to do bad things, but I did have a very long term relationship with Jack and HE his a very bad influence.

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  2. I think perhaps you skipped some vital steps in Chuckweasel’s training. First he should have been taught to let you lean on him while you pull on an uncooperative boot. Progressing to piggyback rides, and from there to the boost-assist. After this comes the celebratory handing over of his credit card so you can treat yourself for a job well done.
    Most of these suffer from excessive side-tutoring by Professors Coors, Miller, et.al, but the final step actually requires intensive sessions with Messrs. Beam, Daniels, and Cuervo.

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    • The boot thing I’ve got under control — I can’t stand on one foot EVER, so all shoe emplacement and removal is accomplished laying on the bed! And I think I may be too tall for piggy back rides, but I’ll give it a shot and let you know!

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  3. Ouch! Chuckweasel is a bad booster!

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  4. Most men in general, do not know how to boost because they’re hampered by said masculinity. If you give a guy a boost, they get annoyed if you boost too far. So most men are premature boosters because they’re looking at it from THEIR perspective. If you give them a tutorial on WHEN and how to boost, complete with practice, their boosting improves immeasurably. Ask me how I know.

    I am also an inopportune sneezer, leading the Hubs to suggest that I might be allergic to him or to sex. I’m pretty sure it’s him.

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    • see, that’s why I wasn’t EXPECTING the boost at all — I’m way too butch for that! And are you allowed to have sex with other people to prove the sneezing thing?

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  5. Maybe you’re allergic to Critters?

    Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with eating someone else’s ribs while waiting in line for someone else’s ribs. Those lines ARE long, and really, how else would you know how to compare the upcoming ribs’ quality if you did not have something else to compare it to? AND, you were at a RIBFEST for Petey’s sake! How would anyone not expect that you would partake of numerous plates of ribs from various different vendors. I mean, really, that’s just crazy talk, yo!

    Also, I love me some ribs!! Why exactly wasn’t I invited, hmmm? I’m practically your neighbor. (MD being WBGV’s neighbor totally counts!).

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  6. If chuckweasel had been talking to Mr. Miller then perhaps his boosting capabilities had been impaired. I’m sure I’ve seen a “do not boost when intoxicated” advert at some point on tv.

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  7. whatavieau

    one trip to Las Vegas and you can wipe out every nationality of Elvis from your list. I have definitely seen the Asian & Hispanic ones there and many many more.

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  8. I’m allergic to hippies. Not all hippies, just the smelly kind.

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    • I have, on a number of occasions, leaned over to Chuckweasel in a public place and said, “Smell that? Hippies.” And he ALWAYS sniffs like there’s actually going to be a smell… other than patchouli and despair…

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  9. Mother. Fucker. You’re going to get my ass fired. Midget Elvis?! I just spit tea all over my fucking computer.

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  10. This sounds like a 1920s carnival. Except the midget Elvis would have just been a plain ol’ midget.

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  11. All said and done, were the ribs good?

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    • oh yes, of course! One team didn’t have their shit together, so theirs were too tough (I like ribs to fall apart) — but their sauce was good… we honestly wondered if we could get ribs from one place and dip them in their sauce!

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  12. Chuckweasel

    In my defense-less-ness…I really did think she had it. I felt (somewhat) terrible thru my inner laughter once I realized she was ok. We had a great time, but in case you are in WV and have a chance to see the Starlighter’s—DON’T. They were awful. The Daddy Rabbit Band from Logan on the other hand were very good. They knew Landeau Calriss-uh-Washington from Americas Got Talent fame. That’s all. Love ya babe!!!

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  13. OK, so please don’t post any of those pitchers of midget Elvis, if you have any. I just got over a porn I saw with midgets in it 20 years ago, totally by accident, called “Santa Comes Twice,” and I don’t want to have to deal with midget Elvis for the next 20.

    Boosting classes for Chuckweasel?

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    • there is absolutely no way in hell I could ever watch midget porn… even “Little People, Big World” gives me the heebie jeebies. I know, I’m a terrible person.

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  14. That Chuckweasel and his shananigans! Mr. Miller and I will have a come to Jesus meetin’ about this tomfoolery. I’m sure we’ll come up with some great ideas to hassle the locals in ye olde Walmartz.

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  15. I’m not sure how he was boosting you (hands on your hips? you stepping on his overlapped hands? an afterburner?) but my mind immediately pictured his hands on your ass and violent, spontanious lovemaking breaking out.

    That’s what I’m going to go with when I remember this post.

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    • he was kinda pushing on my back — remember, I was partially into the climbing process before the boosting began. And he almost got a violent, spontaneous beat-down before I decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

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  16. I am totally allergic to poor people which REALLY sucks for me considering I am a poor person! And Mr. Miller always leads me astray!

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  17. Norway

    Honestly… Did anyone else notice that there are now apparently ROUS’s in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny? That’s like, the ultimate Princess Bride. Except Wesley probably knows how to boost.

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    • That is EXACTLY why I wouldn’t go see it! And all I have to say to Wesley is “can I have a boost, extremely fine-ass pirate dude?” And he’ll say, “As you wish.” SCORE!

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  18. Pingback: Which Do You Want First? | hoodyhoo

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