Friends, it should come as no surprise to you that I have spent my entire life fucking with people. I mean, I try to accomplish at least 15 acts of dickery before I go to bed each night (I bump it up to 18 on Sundays, because I figure the people who are sucking up to God don’t pull their own weight in dickery on Sundays). But now, I must admit… my shit may be played out, yo.
Allow me to explain: It does me no good to be surly and antisocial and make nasty faces at people IF THEY’RE ALL DOING IT, TOO! But thanks to the accidental ingestion of way more caffiene than I’m used to and the subsequent trip to the WalMart… I have found the new path to dickery. My children, I give you: inexplicable pleasantness.
When you pass someone on the street, smile and give them a bright, cheery “Good morning!” or what have you. IT WILL COMPLETELY FUCK THEM UP. They’ll stammer out some vague reply and scurry away. And when some douche blocks the EN-tire aisle deciding on a salad dressing, then gives you the fake “Oh, sorry,” as they grudgingly scoot their cart to one side… just say “No, you’re fine,” in your perkiest deranged cheerleader voice and bop along. They’ll come to the store prepared next time, dammit.
I can also recommend using words that are way too advanced for your situation. For example, I forgot to get Sprites, but they had some near the front — so I grabbed a pack and snuck into an empty register backwards — you know, up instead of down. And when the clerk girl, whose back was turned, apologized for not seeing me right away, I said, “That’s quite all right, I got here in an unorthodox manner!” She was bum-fuzzled. I may have also used a British accent, which is also great for fucking with people. Unless you already ARE British, then they’re not gonna notice. Then I suggest the accent from the Monty Python sketch where the tourist “weel not buy thees tobacconist, eet ees scretched.” Kinda like Balki from that horrible show.
So, Hoody’s Hooligans, our mission is clear: We must continue to fuck with people… by being irrationally kind for no reason. How else will they ever realize THEY’RE the douchebags?
Also, sometimes it makes people think you’re dangerously insane, which keeps them the fuck away from you. BONUS!