The Way Forward

 Friends, it should come as no surprise to you that I have spent my entire life fucking with people.  I mean, I try to accomplish at least 15 acts of dickery before I go to bed each night (I bump it up to 18 on Sundays, because I figure the people who are sucking up to God don’t pull their own weight in dickery on Sundays).  But now, I must admit… my shit may be played out, yo.

Allow me to explain:  It does me no good to be surly and antisocial and make nasty faces at people IF THEY’RE ALL DOING IT, TOO!  But thanks to the accidental ingestion of way more caffiene than I’m used to and the subsequent trip to the WalMart… I have found the new path to dickery.  My children, I give you:  inexplicable pleasantness.

When you pass someone on the street, smile and give them a bright, cheery “Good morning!” or what have you.  IT WILL COMPLETELY FUCK THEM UP.  They’ll stammer out some vague reply and scurry away.  And when some douche blocks the EN-tire aisle deciding on a salad dressing, then gives you the fake “Oh, sorry,” as they grudgingly scoot their cart to one side… just say “No, you’re fine,” in your perkiest deranged cheerleader voice and bop along.  They’ll come to the store prepared next time, dammit. 

I can also recommend using words that are way too advanced for your situation.  For example, I forgot to get Sprites, but they had some near the front — so I grabbed a pack and snuck into an empty register backwards — you know, up instead of down.  And when the clerk girl, whose back was turned, apologized for not seeing me right away, I said, “That’s quite all right, I got here in an unorthodox manner!”  She was bum-fuzzled.  I may have also used a British accent, which is also great for fucking with people.  Unless you already ARE British, then they’re not gonna notice.  Then I suggest the accent from the Monty Python sketch where the tourist “weel not buy thees tobacconist, eet ees scretched.”  Kinda like Balki from that horrible show.

So, Hoody’s Hooligans, our mission is clear:  We must continue to fuck with people… by being irrationally kind for no reason.  How else will they ever realize THEY’RE the douchebags? 

Also, sometimes it makes people think you’re dangerously insane, which keeps them the fuck away from you.  BONUS!

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35 Comments

Filed under GENIUS!, I Rule You, Jesus and Pals, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca

35 responses to “The Way Forward

  1. Preachin’ to the choir, sistah! I’ve been messing with the GenPop by smiling so wide they think I’m about to unhinge my jaw and swallow them whole, all the while saying very fast “Assface says what?”
    As to accents, sometimes I try that but I tend to wind up with a sort of Japanesey one no matter what I start with. Or like the Indian swami guy in All Of Me…”beck in bowl! beck in bowl!”
    My favorite I Said This Just Because I Can Line Is “hef you seen my minkey?”
    And they are all douchefaces, except me and thee.

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  2. It’s like my mum’s kill them with kindness, it doesn’t work when you’re a kid but boy does it screw adults over. D offered me a “child handling” compliment yesterday that damn robbed me of my speech and ability to get past the awesome thing he just said.

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  3. .m.

    I love doing this. Even just smiling at people, not in the leery serial killer way, just a genuine smile. It totally freaks people out, I’ve made people walk into stuff they’ve been so stunned. They don’t know where to look then *BONGNGNG*, face plant into a lamp post.

    People walking into stuff is just always funny. Bonus points if they cry, or break something.

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    • I like to play the “stare at it ’til it cries” game with small children in their mother’s grocery carts. About 1 in 10 toddlers can actually hang — they either laugh or stare right back.

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  4. Dear Sweet Mama

    Well, my DSM would say you were earning stars for your crown (in Heaven, yo) but I think the outcome may defeat that and instead you are earning tines for your pitchfork. Either way, my dear, you ain’t gonna be able to lift either.

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  5. This was discussed on Noa’s blog a couple days ago by someone . . . but the very pleasant, almost insanely grateful, waving thanks when someone is being a douche in their car and won’t let you in or cuts you off or whatever. They always look at me like I’m mad and are a little frightened of what the crazy lady will now do to them. I can see them processing “doesn’t she realize I was just being a dick? Why is she so damn happy? Uh oh, she must be mentally unhinged.” Good times. I just so love fucking with the dickwads! It makes my days a little more sunny and bright.

    Also, PERFECT STRANGERS, FTW!! Love that you made a Balki reference.

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  6. Alas, everyone makes eye contact, smiles and says hello here. So that’s only fun during tourist season.

    Where it becomes fun, though, is when I go to a conference in a big city and hang out with people from all over the country. Because I can’t stop myself. So in the big city I end up with a stack of flyers an inch thick from all the people that everyone else is so good at ignoring. I can’t ignore the person handing out free drink coupons at the Vegas strip club – that would be rude!

    To your point, though, I’m guessing Vegas strip club guys was seriously weirded out by my hello, eye contact, and thanks – have a great day. So…mission accomplished.

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    • I screw with the flyer people by standing to the side and ACTUALLY READING THE FLYER — like really perusing it, as if it’s the most fascinating thing ever. Throw in a bemused “huh” every now and then and you’ve got one EXTREMELY uncomfortable flyer person!

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      • That is funny! I’ll do that next time. Then I’ll hand the flyer back. Then, as I’m walking away…I’ll come back and get it. Hah!

        I’m going to go out on a limb and say that my friends will say you’re a bad influence on me…

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  7. I have lived in places where you would pretty much get your ass kicked if you didn’t smile and at least nod to passers by on the street. Kind of a “Be nice or I’ll fuck you up, bitch!” kind of mentality.

    But not here. Coloradoans pretty much ignore everyone around them because no one is actually FROM Colorado, they just moved here, and they’re all a bunch of shy new kids.

    I am mostly afraid that if I am nice to people, they won’t smell the irony and will think I am actually a nice person.

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  8. I’ve been fucking with people all my life.

    And I ain’t talkin’ ’bout bein’ no whore either.

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  9. Well, okay, I’ve kinda been a whore, but not all my life.

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  10. I don’t think I have it in me to be frighteningly nice. I mean, I can be frightening or nice, just not both together. What I really excel at is ignoring people. I can ignore the piss out of pretty much anyone. That was probably horrible for my dating life as a youngster, but it works miracles as an adult. Also, it disconcerts people when they yell, “Bitch!” in your face and you just look blankly through them as you hurry on by.

    I have also used long words to fuck with people. I once broke up with someone by telling him we were “mutually incompatible.” He’s still single, nearly 20 years later — still processing, I guess.

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  11. Mother. Fucker. It’s ON! I’m pasting the craziest “happy person” persona on rightthisminute and doing an experiment in it for the whole weekend. Bam. Hooligans indeed.

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  12. You should bring your inexplicable pleasantness to New York. Specifically in any of the five boroughs or Long Island. Nothing fucks with a New Yorker more than someone being nice for no reason!

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    • I have always done inexplicable kindness when in a big city — my logic is, if I smile and say “Hey” to people, then we’re FRIENDS, and they can’t mug me.

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  13. Oh, darlin’, you should have come to me when you were running out of dickery. I’ve been pulling that fake nice shit for YEARS.

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  14. In a way it’s sort of sad that people in general are in such a snit that being nice to them is “fucking with them”. I guess I just thing of it as Random acts of kindness or silliness 🙂

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  15. BRILLIANT.
    that’s what i’ve been doing wrong all these years…

    although i have to admit, when people are staring at me rudely (yes i have like 6 different colors in my hair, so WHAT?), i love love love to stare right back until they get so uncomfortable they have to look away. i’m not gonna stop doing that!

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    • You’re absolutely right — us staring at THEM is fine, them staring at US is unacceptable. Unless you’re doing it because you think I’m pretty. But it’s more likely I have food on my face.

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  16. Dearest Hoody,

    I have decided to join your band of hooligans. Please refer to my post:

    http://ijustcallitthursday.blogspot.com/2011/08/what-french-toast.html

    Also, I think I love you.

    Like

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