It’s All Over, People

Well, it’s a good damn thing we got our Apocolists and Don’t Give a Shit Kits sorted out… ’cause le Apocolypse c’est arrive’, y’all.  Yesterday morning I not only made a joke about the President on the radio (which I try not to do, ’cause I feel sorry for the man)… but also… Glenn Beck AGREED with me.  All the signs are there, folks.  We’re fucked.

I still think the joke was pretty funny, but I’ll let y’all be the judges… Here’s the situation:  The 2 main yay-hoo’s (we call them “DJ’s) on my show asked me, as the news girl, to explain the U.S. debt crisis.  And here is what I said:

“Basically, it’s like this:  China keeps calling the White House on the phone and comin’ to the door with the sheriff, and poor ol’ Barack and Michelle have to hide behind the couch eating Ramen in the dark to pretend they’re not home.”

Yes, it’s funny, but I usually try not to make Obama jokes because I LIKE him, and my radio station… does not.  We’ll leave it at that.

BUT THEN:  when I was on my way home from the WalMart (doing my grocery shopping in the style of Ernest Hemingway — liquor, notebooks and catfood).  So anyhoo, I was listening to Glenn Beck on the way home, waiting for him to start crying because his tears taste like sunshine… when he said something  horrifyingly similar to this.  Basically, he was encouraging us members of the media to remember what we were like before we got so jaded and cynical and drunk and go back to actually trying to HELP PEOPLE.  Now, his idea of “helping” and mine are drastically different… I vote for looking out for your fellow man and trying to do the most good — or at least the least HARM — that you can, while he… seems to favor throwing anvils at drowning people.  But still, the fact that we agree even a little… upsetting.

Also, I was inexplicably pleasant to the GenPop during my shopping (I blame the fact that Sprite, which I drink at home, does NOT have caffiene whereas Mountain Dew, which is what’s in the machine at work, MOST. DEFINITELY. DOES.)  Which has led me to the germ of a new Insidious Plot… more on that tomorrow!

OKAY — A THIRD SIGN.  Overnight, I had the most graphic sex dream… about Prince Charles.  And not young, reasonably not-too-bad-plus-hey-he’s-royalty Prince Charles… CURRENT Prince Charles.  And let me tell you, nothin’ against the man, bless his lil’ pea-pickin’ heart… but when you have a sex dream about Prince Charles, there is a point at which you DESPERATELY want to wake up… and once that point passes, you start hoping you never wake up ever again.  I still feel like I smell like H.P. Sauce and incontinence pants.

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33 Comments

Filed under GENIUS!, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), Weep for Humanity

33 responses to “It’s All Over, People

  1. Lizzybeth

    You are disturbed. I mean, really, Prince Charles? Wow. You. Need. Help. (or more liquor). Stat!

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    • Allow me to state for the record: I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO PRINCE CHARLES. Nor did I want to attend an Arsenal Match with him last night, get caught in a hailstorm and get totally creeped out by having to lie to the Queen about being too sick to go to dinner so I could have EXTRAORDINARILY unpleasant hotel sex with her son! THERE IS NOT ENOUGH BOOZE TO MAKE ALL THAT GO AWAY.

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  2. Sounds more like a nightmare to me.

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  3. I blame the Mountain Dew. That stuff is like mutant soda. It will obviously fuck up your mind!

    I also had disturbing dreams the night before last where 1. my husband was cheating on me with 2 woman and was completely unrepentant when he told me that one was the “love of his life,” and 2. a colleague was cleaning a grill inside a walk-in closet, in front of which was a couch that I was laying on (go with it, it was a crazy dream) and she started to scream and this big old rat darted out of the closet and ran (squirmed?) behind my neck. That one was so weird that I actually woke up immediately, sat up and felt the back of my neck to see if the rat was there. Weirdness.

    But still, sex with geriatric Prince Charles? You win. Sicko!

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  4. Ewwww prince charles, he’s so ….ewwww…..
    I hope the apocolypse doesn’t come yet. I have plans saturday, doctors on Monday and my birthday is the 11th. Don’t wanna miss ANY of that.

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    • Yeah, we have Ribfest here this weekend — don’t wanna miss the BBQ!!! And happy extremely early birthday, and if you see Prince Charles, tell him he owes me money.

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  5. Oh my God. Ha ha ha. What a bad day you had. Glenn Beck agreeing with you and then about a dream about Prince Charles??? You poor dear.

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  6. .m.

    Man I’m lucky. The first time I read one of your posts Hoody, and I get the image of HRH in the sack. That’s definitely all about the sexy.

    He’d probably just want a good cup of tea and a nice lie down anyway.

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    • You’d think so, wouldn’t you?… Well, according to the terrible dream, you’d be wrong. Whatever they’re paying Camilla Parker-Bowles, IT. IS. NOT. ENOUGH.

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  7. Prince Charles. And the media. I feel for you. I ALWAYS have those kinds of sex dreams where you want to wake up, or my mom walks in – in the dream – before things can get started. I don’t think I’ve EVER had a satisfying or non-weird sex dream.

    OK, this is gross, but I once had a dream like that about a pigeon. Me and a pigeon. I was all “wake up wake up wake up” like Nightmare on Elm Street and it didn’t happen until later on.

    Then I made the mistake of telling some friends about it. And now I am writing all of this as commentary on a post. Please, somebody shove a sock in my mouth.

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    • Okay, I need to know — was it a pigeon-sized pigeon or a big, human sized pigeon? ‘Cause I think one is sicker than the other. And why is it that the sex dreams you WANT to have always get interrupted, but the ones you want out of go on, and on, and on…

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  8. I once had a really hot sex dream about Kelsey Grammar. And I freakin’ hate Kelsey Grammar. And I still think about it whenever I see him. Do you know how widely syndicated Frasier is!?!

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  9. OK. Is it OK if I steal the name “Apocolist” for my next post? Because the END is COMING and I have to be ready.

    And since you opened the door… I once had a dream where I was very publicly having sex with a very very old Al Pacino in the middle of a fair. People would walk by and look at us but I kind of ignored them. It wasn’t until later, when I was trying to get dressed that I was looking for privacy, and was wandering around the cotton candy stalls and stupid fair games and rides with my clothes clutched to my chest looking for a place to put them on.

    I guess what I am trying to say here is: Brains are crazy, and can’t be trusted when you’re asleep.

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    • of course, dahlin’ but we don’t say “steal” we say “share.” Like I wasn’t STEALING your whiskey and Vicodin, you were SHARING it. And that’s the freakiest freak show EVER — hope you at least made some money!

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  10. Barb

    “I still feel like I smell like H.P. Sauce and incontinence pants.”

    Best line ever. I’m dyin’.

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  11. Holy shitballs. Thanks for the heads up. Going to stock up on canned goods and samurai swords RIGHT NOW.

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  12. On the Glenn Beck thing: even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

    I guess I need to stock up on canned goods, but that would be less Apocalypse and more hi, I live in earthquake country and I hate canned food. The zombie war will be won by people who can stomach Spam.

    I always have aberrant sex dreams. I read somewhere that they have nothing to do with sex, but I can’t remember what they DO mean so I’m useless here. Sorry. The only sex dream where I got far enough to actually be turned on was about the husband of one of my BFFs. And we only stopped because we both felt guilty. In the dream. My subconscious is one huge cock block.

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  13. I was going to say something fun abotu Obama, but now I just wish I could go back in time and *not* have an image of Current Prince Charles having sex with you stuck in my brain.

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  14. Dear Sweet Mama

    You always were such an Anglophile, my little darling. But lying to the Queen – I hope she sicced a Corgi on you!!!

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  15. Gross. Prince Charles? I think I threw up a little reading that. Your poor subconscious must really be hurting today.

    As far as shopping goes, the liquor is obviously the most important purchase, the notebooks are useful but “meh”, and if you don’t feed the damn cat you’re getting your fucking eyes scratched out in the middle of the night. Good call.

    PS- revised the Beer Golf thing to accommodate, you know, an actual golf course. I think this must be done.

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  16. I just thew up in my mouth a little.

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  17. Pingback: BWAH-HAH-HAH! | hoodyhoo

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