Presenting: The “Don’t Give a Shit Kit” — now including the “Fuck It Bucket!”
So the power went out for about 24 hours this weekend (I know, right? It’s like fuckin’ Laos around here!) But I have discovered, I’se be fine without no ‘lectric… as long as I have HoodyHoo’s Patented “Don’t Give a Shit Kit.”
The most important piece of the kit is the “Fuck It Bucket.” This is an ice chest (or igloo cooler if you’re all fancy like that — I use the ones the Omaha steaks come in when Poor Ol’ Dad sends me food for Christmas because he knows food is my most favoritest thing). Anyhoo, you take the Bucket of your choice and you fill that there sumbitch with ice and a large quantity of beer and/or liquor. Then, when you call the ‘Lectric Company Bassurds and they tell you your shit’s gonna stay broke for hours or days or even weeks (it happens ’round here)… well, you just reach right in that Bucket and, well, you get the idea.
The rest of the kit depends on your usual length of outage — mine so far have been between 1 and 3 days (Chuckweasel’s was out once in the winter for A WEEK — he had to cook frozen pizzas on his barbecue grill!). My own kit usually includes:
A flashlight (I prefer the great big Mag-Lites like cops use… because it can double as a melee weapon)
A meat tenderizer (you know, the hammer thing) — this is for crushing the ice for your Bucket and… yes, as a melee weapon
Candles, lighter, matches
Books, cards, something to do
For your shorter outages, the lunchmeat in your fridge will still be fine to eat as long as you don’t fuck around leaving the door open (um, yeah, you should ALWAYS have lunchmeat, or at least canned tuna or potted meat or SOMETHIN’ — what’s WRONG with you???) For longer outages, a pack of hot dogs fits nicely in the ice chest, and you can’t beat canned beans and soup (which can be cooked IN THE CAN like you’re a cowboy!). Of course, then you’ll need a heat source, like a small gas grill on your porch or a fireplace (with fuel). You CAN cook a hot dog over a candle flame, but it takes so long that by the time it’s done, you really don’t want it anymore.
One thing I did notice I need but do not yet have — a windup clock. Telling time by counting hours using an egg timer SUUUUUUCKS.
But all in all, I say fuck it, let the power go out. When’s it coming back on? I don’t give a shit.
PS — Black Lawyer who lives on the third floor is such a dick that when the power goes out and the poor Redneck Hillfolk are starving (we’re all-electric, and they’re not resourceful like me), he gets out on his porch AND GRILLS STEAKS! I love that guy.