Always Be Prepared

Presenting:  The “Don’t Give a Shit Kit” — now including the “Fuck It Bucket!”

So the power went out for about 24 hours this weekend (I know, right?  It’s like fuckin’ Laos around here!)  But I have discovered, I’se be fine without no ‘lectric… as long as I have HoodyHoo’s Patented “Don’t Give a Shit Kit.”

The most important piece of the kit is the “Fuck It Bucket.”  This is an ice chest (or igloo cooler if you’re all fancy like that — I use the ones the Omaha steaks come in when Poor Ol’ Dad sends me food for Christmas because he knows food is my most favoritest thing).  Anyhoo, you take the Bucket of your choice and you fill that there sumbitch with ice and a large quantity of beer and/or liquor.  Then, when you call the ‘Lectric Company Bassurds and they tell you your shit’s gonna stay broke for hours or days or even weeks (it happens ’round here)… well, you just reach right in that Bucket and, well, you get the idea.

The rest of the kit depends on your usual length of outage — mine so far have been between 1 and 3 days (Chuckweasel’s was out once in the winter for A WEEK — he had to cook frozen pizzas on his barbecue grill!).  My own kit usually includes:

  • A flashlight (I prefer the great big Mag-Lites like cops use… because it can double as a melee weapon)
  • Batteries.  Duh.
  • A meat tenderizer (you know, the hammer thing) — this is for crushing the ice for your Bucket and… yes, as a melee weapon
  • Candles, lighter, matches
  • Books, cards, something to do

For your shorter outages, the lunchmeat in your fridge will still be fine to eat as long as you don’t fuck around leaving the door open (um, yeah, you should ALWAYS have lunchmeat, or at least canned tuna or potted meat or SOMETHIN’ — what’s WRONG with you???)  For longer outages, a pack of hot dogs fits nicely in the ice chest, and you can’t beat canned beans and soup (which can be cooked IN THE CAN like you’re a cowboy!).  Of course, then you’ll need a heat source, like a small gas grill on your porch or a fireplace (with fuel).  You CAN cook a hot dog over a candle flame, but it takes so long that by the time it’s done, you really don’t want it anymore.

One thing I did notice I need but do not yet have — a windup clock.  Telling time by counting hours using an egg timer SUUUUUUCKS.

But all in all, I say fuck it, let the power go out.  When’s it coming back on?  I don’t give a shit.

PS — Black Lawyer who lives on the third floor is such a dick that when the power goes out and the poor Redneck Hillfolk are starving (we’re all-electric, and they’re not resourceful like me), he gets out on his porch AND GRILLS STEAKS!  I love that guy.

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21 Comments

Filed under GENIUS!, I Rule You, La Vida Loca, Only in Wes' BYGAWD Virginny, Reality Bites, SCIENCE!, Ye Olde Apartment Complex

21 responses to “Always Be Prepared

  1. I’m glad you survive the power outage. I’m going to make up my own kit so I’ll be prepared. It’ll be just like yours except I’ll add smores supplies.

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  2. Sounds like a miniturized Apocolist, except for the lunchmeats. You could also get one of those propane type lantern things. Or maybe they are oil? Not sure. My hubby got one of those for in case we lose power for a while. It’s still sitting in the box in the garage, and I have no idea how to fill that thing up and light it without blowing up the house, but it’s there, by gawd. At least if the house explodes, we will have plenty of fire to cook all those hot dogs. For the whole neighborhood really!

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    • I actually do have one of those, but I’m also a little bit terrified of it — plus my version is the kind that you have to have these special little net bags called “mantles” that… well, they kinda hold the fire, I guess. And they’re harder than fuck to find, so I’m afraid to use the ones I’ve got.

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  3. I sure could have used this idea Saturday.

    PS – a lock for the fridge is a must have. I have to bolt the fridge down when this happens. That is the time all my menfolk decide to stand in front of the open fridge and ponder life.

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  4. Outside of Black Lawyer and his steaks, are you SURE you don’t live in Laos?! Holy shit! Power outages! Glad you got your system down — and I’m with you on the canned meats! — but yikes!

    Pearl

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    • In their defense, this time is WAS one HELLER of a storm… but in general, Wes’BYGAWD Virginny IS a lot like a third-world country when it comes to infrastructure. We actually have a MAJOR bridge that you can pull pieces off of with your BARE HANDS… they’re talking about maybe fixing it…

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  5. Yeah, I agree with mistylaws up above that this looks like a weekend-version of the Apocolist… like the zombies uprising only lasts three or four days, say.

    One winter, I was walking home from the store through the snow… it was night time, and the snow was pouring down think. It made everything quiet and beautiful. I cut through the yard behind my apartment, when I heard a buzzing.

    I looked up inside to see the substation explode in a ball of pink and orange and green electric flame, and then woke up lying on my back several feet away. My feet had dragged backwards through the snow and left little rivets. I was twitchy for days.

    The power was out for almost a week. This is why I own a camp stove and a hurricane lantern with oil. It was cold out, though, so we just stored the food on the porch.

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    • yep, I too have seen that — our squirrels are really stupid and they seem to think inside the transformer is a good place to hang out. Neb\ver been close enough to actually get shocked, though… I save that for my home repair projects!

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  6. Honestly, Hoody, I think I’m in awe of your brilliance.

    I, too, had a Fuck It Bucket, except mine was stationed outside of my door in my dorm during my freshman year of undergrad. In it were appropriate rations of powdered donuts, tissues (perfect for drunken ramblings of “Why doesn’t he LOVE me?!?! I want *him* to WANT to hang out with me when I’m sober!”), No Doz, Frosted Flakes, an extra key to my room (Do Not Duplicate is a suggestion, y’all) so that anyone could steal vodka out of my fridge at their leisure, and batteries (for your Mag-lite, remote, alarm clock or vibrator).

    I totally feel like I would put the exact same bucket with the *exact same* contents in front of my desk at work.

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    • I think a combination of our buckets could make us millions if we sold it on TV late at night… except I’m not sure where you got the idea that vodka is EVER meant to be SHARED…

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  7. I am truly impressed with your resourcefulness. I am heading straight for you when the zombie apocalypse arrives.

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  8. That’s a whole lot of melee weaponry. Very resourceful.

    I have to add a heat pack for the dragon. Else I have to lay around with a dragon in my shirt…and he’s pokey.

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  9. When my power goes out I will eat Circus Peanuts until I fall into a sugar coma and it’s usually back on by the time I regaind consciousness.

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    • also a good plan, but I had no Circus Peanuts. I once tried to cure a friend’s (in retrospect, rather serious, but we were pretty drunk) flesh wound by feeding him Swedish Fish until he quit his bitching… and he’s still alive, so there!

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  10. Never underestimate the power (and necessity) of melee weapons. Or knives. You never know when you’ll need to cut (or bludgeon) a bitch.

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    • I like to sit around the house playing the — “Name 5 weapons in this room” game. I vary it with “within your reach,” “within a few steps,” and what type of attacker. Also what entrance they’re coming from. I’m really not very stable at all, y’all.

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  11. I like it. I’m going to put it my list of things to do when I feel the urge to apocolize. 🙂

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