We return to our tale to find ourselves beginning Day 4…
Day 4 (Thursday): DSM and The Concubine depart at Oh-Dark-30 to go look at the Wildlife Refuge (also known as the Great Mosquito and Biting Fly Sanctuary). Hoody and the rest of the party say, “Yeah, good luck with that,” and return to bed. Upon their return, Hoody experiences a Tragic Bra Blowout (the strap winged clear off and like to took my eye out, which would have sucked because then I couldn’t make fun of Blind Lemon Cornpone anymore), neccessitating a trip to the Bra Outlet (which is a fairly yearly tradition anyway). This was followed by a trip to the Kitty Hawk Kites, during which The Concubine bought a kite for some reason (thus virtually ENSURING a battle with ECA over C2’s distinct LACK of a kite) and Hoody got totally punked by the salesgirl over something called “shark repellent.” See, I was sure it was just a novelty, see, so I asked her, “This is bullshit, right?” And she looks at me, completely deadpan straight-faced, and says, “Well, no one’s ever come back to complain.” Yes, I’m a dumbass. Well-played, salesgirl, well-played.
After a tasty ice cream cone (mandarin chocolate chip — tastes just like those Terry’s Chocolate Oranges you wack on the counter at Christmas, you MUST get it), Hoody, DSM and The Concubine return to the condo, where Hoody proceeds to go sit by the pool with a book and some beers. This is where Our Intrepid Heroine draws the ire of a Very Frazzled Mother of Three Small Children (with a very old-looking husband, so he’s no help). About the third time the children bounced their beach ball outof the pool and I returned it, the Very Frustrated Mother says “Do you have children?” And I say no, the little child she sees me with is my Tiny Second Cousin. And she says, “Ah, I was wondering how you got to be sitting down here with a book and a drink!” And I said, “That’s ’cause she’s not my kid — I CAN GIVE HER BACK.”
Little did I know, bitch was gonna voodoo me! I went upstairs to make sure my assistance was not needed with dinner (and let’s be honest, I had to pee and I live in mortal fear that if I pee in the pool they’ll have that dye in there), then tried to head back down… but C2 caught me! So I had to go swim with her some more, not that it’s all that big a deal and it DOES get me out of the house! But as I passed the Very Frustrated Mother, I said, “You jinxed me,” and she replied, “Good, I was getting jealous anyway.” But it’s okay, I later got to go upstairs and drown my sorrows in the Traditional Hoo Family Fried Dinner (fried pork chops in shake and bake, accompanied by fried green tomatoes and all sorts of squash all breaded in corn meal and fried in a skillet). We eat healthy, yo — them thar’s VEGETABLES.
Wow, that one day took up a lot of space! Not to worry, there’s still plenty more to come!