Same Batshit Time, Same Batshit Channel

We return to our tale to find ourselves beginning Day 4…

Day 4 (Thursday):  DSM and The Concubine depart at Oh-Dark-30 to go look at the Wildlife Refuge (also known as the Great Mosquito and Biting Fly Sanctuary).  Hoody and the rest of the party say, “Yeah, good luck with that,” and return to bed.  Upon their return, Hoody experiences a Tragic Bra Blowout (the strap winged clear off and like to took my eye out, which would have sucked because then I couldn’t make fun of Blind Lemon Cornpone anymore), neccessitating a trip to the Bra Outlet (which is a fairly yearly tradition anyway).   This was followed by a trip to the Kitty Hawk Kites, during which The Concubine bought a kite for some reason (thus virtually ENSURING a battle with ECA over C2’s distinct LACK of a kite) and Hoody got totally punked by the salesgirl over something called “shark repellent.”  See, I was sure it was just a novelty, see, so I asked her, “This is bullshit, right?”  And she looks at me, completely deadpan straight-faced, and says, “Well, no one’s ever come back to complain.”  Yes, I’m a dumbass.  Well-played, salesgirl, well-played.

After a tasty ice cream cone (mandarin chocolate chip — tastes just like those Terry’s Chocolate Oranges you wack on the counter at Christmas, you MUST get it), Hoody, DSM and The Concubine return to the condo, where Hoody proceeds to go sit by the pool with a book and some beers.  This is where Our Intrepid Heroine draws the ire of a Very Frazzled Mother of Three Small Children (with a very old-looking husband, so he’s no help).  About the third time the children bounced their beach ball outof the pool and I returned it, the Very Frustrated Mother says “Do you have children?”  And I say no, the little child she sees me with is my Tiny Second Cousin.  And she says, “Ah, I was wondering how you got to be sitting down here with a book and a drink!”  And I said, “That’s ’cause she’s not my kid — I CAN GIVE HER BACK.”

Little did I know, bitch was gonna voodoo me!  I went upstairs to make sure my assistance was not needed with dinner (and let’s be honest, I had to pee and I live in mortal fear that if I pee in the pool they’ll have that dye in there), then tried to head back down… but C2 caught me!  So I had to go swim with her some more, not that it’s all that big a deal and it DOES get me out of the house!  But as I passed the Very Frustrated Mother, I said, “You jinxed me,” and she replied, “Good, I was getting jealous anyway.”  But it’s okay, I later got to go upstairs and drown my sorrows in the Traditional Hoo Family Fried Dinner (fried pork chops in shake and bake, accompanied by fried green tomatoes and all sorts of squash all breaded in corn meal and fried in a skillet).  We eat healthy, yo — them thar’s VEGETABLES.

Wow, that one day took up a lot of space!  Not to worry, there’s still plenty more to come!

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20 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), On the Road Again, SCIENCE!

20 responses to “Same Batshit Time, Same Batshit Channel

  1. Can you post or send me the fried green tomatoes recipe? I’ve been meaning to try those for a long time.

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  2. Having my nieces for 10-20 minutes every year or so is the BEST birth control EVER. And I talk very very very very carefully around moms and pregnant ladies. And wear a mask. And wash my hands after. I think that motherhood is really contagious.

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  3. “Good. I was getting jealous anyway.”

    🙂 Not sure why, but that made me smile. I think you could be friends with a person like that, you know?

    Pearl

    Oh, and “pool”. Such a magical word…

    O

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  4. I have 3 children, and I regularly sit down with a book and a drink. What? It’s just that my kids are a bit older, and I’ve trained them not to bother me for anything less than blood or fire. Arterial blood or active fire.

    Also, any man who doesn’t help with his offspring around me will be wearing his swim trunks over his head, as in atomic wedgie. I have no patience for useless menfolk. I think it is Very Important that even those of us girls without kiddies indicate their scorn often and in public for those menz. You know guys, they won’t change unless we make it painful for them not to.

    Fried is the only way I really like most vegetables. I applaud your balanced diet.

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    • this dude was like WAAAAY old… like you could tell they were married, but it LOOKED like she was at the beach with her kids and her Pop-Pop (not THEIRS, HERS). So I let him off the hook… he prolly didn’t know they was his anyway.

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  5. Can I come on the next family function?? I promise not to bring my kids… I promise to eat all them thar healthy Veg-it-ables. And I promise to make a comment like… “should have worn a condom then” when frazzled moms get snarky!!

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  6. Yeah, I’m with lazysubculturalgirl re: the useless menfolk. Mine does not play that. He helped make ’em, he helps wrangle ’em! That was that woman’s problem, not you. She should have been directing her ire towards her no-good useless lump of a husband, Mr. Geriatric.

    Oh, and brava on the veggies. I applaud your attempts at healthy eating on vacation. Me and veggies don’t come within a country mile of one another when I am on the big VACA! I eat enough stupid salads at home, thankya.

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  7. i would personally kill to join your vacation. it has booze AND a pool AND an ocean!
    i’m just bitter that i don’t have my own pool. both my parents do, but i’m too broke to drive two or three states over to them… boo!

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    • I actually got one of them extra-white-trash blow up pools that you get at the WalMart and set up in your yard one summer… and it SUUUUUCKED. I spent (well, the boyfriend at the time spent) so much time trying to level out the yard for it that it just wasn’t fun anymore. For him, at least — I laid in it all slanty-like and drank beer.

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  8. Pingback: The Adventure Continues… | hoodyhoo

  9. Do you have a Facebook page or Twitter? Would love to follow you there, I’m on my iPhone and love reading your stuff!

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  10. lord, I am so jealous – I miss REAL southern food! please tell me you’re eating fried okra as well 🙂

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    • I honestly don’t know… I was not required to be involved in the frying because I was on Kraft Macaroni and Cheese duty for Tiny Second Cousin (she says I’m the only one who “does it right.” And it’s true, I am). And once everything is all battered up and fried, all it is is “tasty.” But I AM a huge okra fan myself, even though I’m generally stuck with the frozen kind up here in WBGV!

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  11. Pingback: Chow Down, Bitches! | hoodyhoo

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