We rejoin Our Intrepid Heroine as she begins the Great Family Adventure…
Day 1 (Monday): After a trip down that was relatively uneventful (mostly due to the fact that Our Heroine was stoned to the gills on Dramamine so she could ride in the backseat without “buying a Buick”), Dear Sweet Mama, The Concubine and HoodyHoo arrive at East Coast Aunt’s Outer Banks condo in the midst of a wicked downpour. Fortunately, this is over quickly, and the evening wraps up quietly with fried chicken and a card game (Quiddler? Quizzler? Something like Uno but with letters instead of numbers — like if Uno and Scrabble had a baby) — which ECA attempts to win by making the words “titty” and “gem,” much to everyone’s general amusement.
Day 2 (Tuesday): The Concubine backtracks up to Virginia to visit with one of her sisters (being raised Catholic, The Concubine has a surfeit of sisters). The rest of the party does the beach thing in the morning, followed by cold fried chicken for lunch, then an excursion to the pool. DSM, Hoody and ECA’s Backup attempt to help Tiny Second Cousin with her swimming lessons, which mostly consists of C2 putting her feet on one’s thighs and leaping out with a mighty horse kick to swim to the next person in line. This results in DSM and Hoody repairing to the bar down the street at the earliest opportunity for liquor drinks and a truly disastrous attempt to play Cornhole (which is apparently what the kids today call “Beanbag Toss.”). It seems the new name of the game is simply too vulgar to allow DSM and Hoody to be any good at it.
Day 3 (Wednesday): Cousin’s Wife wakes up to discover she has somehow scratched her cornea (which seems to be going around, doesn’t it?) and must be hauled off to the Urgent Care (another Hoo Family tradition — if we ain’t been to Bear Drug, we ain’t been to the beach). DSM and Hoody make the first excursion down to the beach (while ECA’s Backup attempts to get C2 into her swimsuit and ECA forces Cousin’s Wife into the car for the trip to Urgent Care). Before these tasks can be completed, DSM and Hoody return to the condo, having discovered that there are WAAAAAY too many jellyfish to go in the water (this becomes important later). So the remaining party ventures to the pool for the morning, then returns to the condo for a Duneburger lunch thoughtfully provided by ECA on the way back from Bear Drug. DSM and Hoody volunteer to go to the store for dinner ingredients (and chocolate sauce and onion dip for Cousin’s Wife, who is now wearing an eye patch and being referred to as Blind Lemon Cornpone). They also plan to stop at the package store for hard liquor, since The Concubine will be returning soon and only hard liquor has any chance of defusing potential… incidents… with ECA. Upon returning from the store, DSM and Hoody discover the joys of drinking mojitos in the pool… and the danger of attempting to use a floating pool chair while drinking mojitos in the pool (it will later be determined that Hoody and ECA are too “top-heavy” for the float… that’s our story and we’re sticking to it).
More to come on Day 4 — Will ECA manage not to murder The Concubine for not showing a properly worshipful attitude to C2 AND refusing to follow the long-standing itinerary of “doing whatever ECA says? Will Hoody be able to stay just drunk ENOUGH not to say anything but not SO drunk the police have to come? All these questions and more will be answered… in our next episode!