You Can Pick Your Nose…

or whatever that saying is… I generally stop listening to any conversation that involves boogers.  Anyhoo, we all know it — The Saga That Is the Family Vacation.  Allow me to set out our cast of characters:

HoodyHoo:  Our intrepid heroine

Dear Sweet Mama:  Best supporting actress as long as she plays her cards right

Dear Sweet Mama’s Concubine:  Unfortunately raised by wolves (i.e., above the Mason-Dixon line), she is guaranteed to piss off at least one of us G.R.I.T.S. (Girls Raised in the South) through simple cultural misunderstanding.  Examples:  Tarzan, Jodie Foster as “Nell,” Mowgli the Jungle Boy.

East Coast Aunt:  As opposed to West Coast Aunt, who lives in Oregon, ECA lives in Charlotte along with her husband, my cousin and his wife, and the cousins’ 2 kids.  This is generally considered proof that she is dangerously insane.

East Coast Aunt’s Backup:  ECA’s best friend who travels everywhere with her… probably because she is in charge of the tranquilizer darts.

Cousin’s Wife:  She is either the smartest person I know, having convinced ECA to take over a majority of her childcare duties… or she’s on A LOT of Xanax.

Tiny Second Cousin (C2) :  6-years-old and raised in the longstanding Hoo Family tradition that children should be treated like small adults until they prove otherwise (and terribly spoiled by ECA, as grandmothers are wont to do), all one can really say is… she runnin’ this bitch.

Detailed incident reports to follow… but for now, a brief plot synopsis:

Hoody annoys the Concubine, the Concubine annoys East Coast Aunt (usually by not showing proper worshipful attitude toward Tiny Second Cousin) and C2 annoys EVERYBODY, generally by being six years old.  Hoody finds this hilarious, because C2 is not Hoody’s actual responsibility, so the cycle resumes again by Hoody annoying the Concubine in the hopes of deflecting her attention onto ECA by way of C2.

Now, some ground rules in case you ever find yourself tricked into invited on one of these excursions:

1.  Always volunteer to take out the trash.  This guarantees you will be able to get away from the drama AT LEAST once a day.  If you go with me, you can be my assistant and we can bitch about everyone else.

2.  Start drinking beer (or weak liquor) no later than 11:30am.  You’re not after drunk here, you’re looking for a steady intake that will allow you to view the madness from a comfrtable fuzziness.

3.  Kick in the hard liquor just before or during dinner.  It’s about to get worse.

4.  Your cousin’s wife for some reason becomes your responsibility when he is not present.  She wants onion dip and chocolate sauce, and you will get these for her despite the fact that she trapped you into sharing a room with ECA’s Backup who snores like a lumberjack.  Refrain from gluing the legholes in Cousin’s Wife’s underwear together… you’re bigger than that, Hoody.

5.  Being sweet to Tiny Second Cousin costs you nothing… but pays big dividends when you’re the only one who can get her to do what she’s told.

BONUS:  The beer-before-liquor rule?  Is BULLSHIT.

BONUS BONUS:  When you finally do snap (and you will), remember:  Yelling does no good unless you say your piece and WALK AWAY.  If you stay there, the yell-ee is guaranteed to say something ELSE that will force you to yell some more.

More to come, same Batshit Time, same Batshit Channel!

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28 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, On the Road Again, WTF???

28 responses to “You Can Pick Your Nose…

  1. Family vacations. 🙂 Why do we punish ourselves so?

    Pearl

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  2. ha ha ha. Love your cast of characters and your advice. Sounds like many of my family gatherings.

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  3. Sounds like a Hootinany (is that how that is spelled?) up in Canada (at least in Ontario) it is different. Those from the NORTH are the crazy hillbilly’s and those from the South are normal…I am from the South…My family is from the North….I recognize your synopsis, I feel it is about to get painful!

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  4. The Bonus Bonus rule is the one you can’t follow in my family. I’ve actually had people chase me down — “NO, you started this, you’re gonna finish it!”

    The Hubs and I stopped doing family vacations with my mom’s family because there is not enough liquor to improve that situation, and if we drank enough in front of them to make them tolerable, they would think we were alcoholics (actually, at that point, we might BE alcoholics).

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  5. Last “family gathering” I attended, other than the wedding of the kid, ended in my sisters and I not speaking for over 7 years. On the other hand, there was a LOT of alcohol. So it was win/win.

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  6. Survival skills are always required during family gatherings. As to your bonus-bonus…it is generally at that point I start miming people. Truly not recommended and could lead to blood shed but at times can’t be helped. Plus, sometimes acting childish is awesome. Good Luck!

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  7. Yeah, I can usually play the, “I’m too poor to come” card on these family shin-digs. I am too poor because I leave for the weekend and go to Vegas or N’Awlins on a regular basis, but still. Who wants to go hang out in a town of 500 in the middle of summer in Illinois?

    Also, good rule to have the little ‘uns on your side, until they decide you are their bestest best friend ever and you get stuck tucking them in while lit and unable to read the damned children’s book. Not that that has ever happened to me.

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    • DSM learned long ago that I am not only poor but also a mooch and a leech, so if she pays, I’ll go. And ECA is very protective of her tucking-in rights, so I was safe!

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  8. My grandmother has three kids and only my father had kids – and only two at that (my uncle married into kids, but they didn’t have to go to reunions). My grandmother’s two sisters had seven kids who each had seven kids. And there’s at least one Mike, Steve, Jim and Michelle in each set. THEN those kids married Mikes, Steves, Jims and Michelles. You can get away with a lot at those family reunions:

    “Michelle told me to ______.”
    “Which Michelle?”
    “Jim’s Michelle.”
    “Which Jim?”
    “Steve’s son Jim.”

    By the time they figure out who to blame and that SHE didn’t actually tell you to do it at all, you can make your getaway.

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  9. I’m pretty sure we’re somehow trapped in the same family.

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  10. I’ve got to remember the taking-out-the-trash trick. Sheer genius.

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  11. Wow. This sounds like a dramatic/hilarious series that is not. to. be. missed. I’m a little frightened, but also intrigued. Who needs the Y&R? (Ok, I do. But I look forward to this too.)

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  12. I “might….MIGHT” have my roots as a crazy hillbilly too… but you didn’t hear it from me! and moonshine…YUMMY!!

    OH and if you have an aunt who has a trach and uses one of those buzzer things to talk… if your little brother says “I’m sorry I don’t speak Martian!” DO NOT LAUGH! It offends people… even if it is totally hilarious!!

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  13. Pingback: STGD Day | hoodyhoo

  14. Holy Cow! I think we’re related. Just sayin’. I’ve got some remarkably similar relatives.

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  15. Pingback: Chow Down, Bitches! | hoodyhoo

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