Lessons Learned

The Weasel and I went out to dinner Wednesday for the anniversary meal, and we were going to go to a really good Italian place where we did a wedding a few weeks ago, but then we weren’t massive-pile-of-Italian-food hungry, so we went down the hill to this little yuppie joint that serves tapas and drinks (take THAT, junior high English teacher!).  And I have discovered some things I feel I should share with y’all.

1.  When the bartender asks if you want your mojito in a small glass or a large glass, it is not like McDonald’s.  The large glass apparently includes mixer… the small glass is just rum and mint in a cup.

2.  Three cups of rum is about 2 too many.

3.  The super-hot platform shoes you couldn’t stand up in BEFORE the 3 cups of rum… will actually get easier to walk in once you’re hammered.

4.  Until you step in the hole in the sidewalk.

5.  Sidewalks are hard.

6.  I am apprarently quite amusing when I have consumed 3 cups of rum… according to Chuckweasel, I make weird noises, fall over a lot (what else is new?) and get up in the middle of the night to eat mushrooms with bleu cheese dip.

Conclusion:  I am a fun time… but Chuckweasel needs to drink more so he will not remember my antics.  And show some sympathy for my shoe-related disability.

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28 Comments

Filed under La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, Twu Wuuv

28 responses to “Lessons Learned

  1. Chuckweasel needs a video camera. Those of us who suspect your divinity might be encouraged to see you’re actually *gasp* mortal. 🙂

    In other news, I ate an entire thing of celery last night with Greek yogurt. Today I am Queen of De Farts.

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  2. Yeah, the mushrooms weren’t a good idea, gastrointestinal-wise, either… especially considering that my actual dinner was beer-cheese and rum! I shall be the Tsarina of De Farts.
    And the Weasel has ALREADY pointed out that his iPhone takes video… not that he would EVER do anything like that…

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  3. I thought I told you that Chuckweasle doesn’t love you…remember the whole wouldn’t take a bullet for you but will drive a trifflin bitch whore to the wrong side of town???

    If he REALLY loved you he would have fed you one more Rum and Mint and Piggy Backed you around town!… Now you will have to explain to your Momma how your knees got all banged up and I KNOW she won’t believe you fell!

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    • the weird thing is, my knees had JUST healed up from the LAST time I fell over… and now one of them is all skinned to bejeezus and back! But at least I wasn’t wearing hose — I have had to pick hose fibers out of wounds before, because in addition to being the Tsarina De Farts, I am also the Grand Duchess of Grace and Poise.

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      • We should totally make a new Sitcom called Grace and Poise… You can be Grace…I will be Poise *because I have been known to pee my pants on occasion* (here in Canucktown Poise is a brand for adult diapers).

        We would totally rock it… the premise will by you fall down and I piss my pants laughing!!

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    • Dear Sweet Mama

      This would be correct. Hoody used to be such a graceful young thing – queen of the toddler ballet class. Perhaps aging has worked against her balance. Not that she is THAT old, because then I would be decrepit. I am beginning to tell people I adopted her when she was older and I was younger – we were like sisters.

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  4. Any shoe with more than an inch heel is bad news for me.

    When does your TV show start? Can I be your Best Boy? Whatever that is…. I just always see it in the credits.

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  5. I once went to a wedding reception with similar result, except the lobby was cobbled.

    You heard me. Cobbled. At a fancy resort. WTF, wedding people? Cobbles are treacherous in heels. I managed not to fall over only because the Hubs is built like a rock and I held on to him.

    I last got hammered at a Mardi Gras themed wedding reception on Sunday (I attend a lot of these things, apparently). Lessons learned: mai tais are always stronger than you think they are, and red beans and sausage are the worst possible thing to introduce to a rumbly alcoholic tummy. The gastrointestinal distress was….epic. On the plus side, I got beads and I didn’t even have to flash my boobs!

    I had a point, but I’ve forgotten it because hey! Sparkly beads!

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    • Seriously Cobbled??? Hoody would be on her ass in running shoes…! And I would be peeing…

      Mai Tais and red beans and sausage… I bet your hubby slept on the couch!

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      • These were round river-type rocks too. So combine raised, uneven and slippery with cobbled. I think the designer was a man, and I think he should be forced to navigate the entire lobby alone, with kitten heels. Don’t even get me started on who cobbles the ever-lovin’ indoors.

        Hubs did not need to sleep on the couch because he sleeps through everything. Fire, flood, wars, famine, pestilence, red beans and sausage……

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  6. Ugh. Never combine mushrooms with alcohol. We once started our evening with happy hour mushroom caps as we talked about why people wait until 9 p.m. to go out, rather than just going out after work before you get home and get all comfy. That night we found our answer: because we didn’t go home earlier just because we started drinking early. And those mushroom caps ended up all over my house at 3 a.m. Bleh.

    I second the vote for putting the guy who said “let’s put cobblestone down – it will be classy” for a wedding destination. What. The. Hell. But I say no to kitten heels. That man needs, deserves, stilettos. And a mini skirt. And a zap with a tazer every time he shows his junk while trying to walk across those cobbles with a mini skirt and heels.

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  7. Sounds like a grand ol’ time. I made a similar mistake once with mint juleps. I realized I was slurring and staggering at one point, and went, “Oh, I am going to totally fall into a pothole” and then I tripped over my own feet. I am also super “graceful”. I always have bruises on my hips from running into things at high speed, and I look a little bit like I’m beaten with the various stages of bruises on my legs.

    Also, I will totally watch your TV show. I recently saw a Poise commercial, and I could NOT figure out what they were advertising. It was all, slightly older women laughing, and then stopping and going “oops!” I finally figured out they were PEEING themselves. Wow.

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    • I’m pretty sure peeing your pants is a fetish…but really its not for me (Stop laughing its not) ….. You guys are assholes you know that! This is a serious problem! Especially since I only have one bathroom and its allllllllll the way upstairs.

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    • Oops would not be what I say if I wet myself. I’m just making that point, advertising people.

      Maybe they’re trying to convey that these women are poised, even while incontinent? So does wearing Depends instead make you dependable, or does it just mean “depends on whether or not I can find a bathroom?” Inquiring minds want to know.

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  8. I am super cool and adorable when I drink and I never fall over or slur my words. I refuse to hear anything to the contrary.

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    • No me either…but I will most likely pee my pants… Unless there is a toilet or a cup close by! I don’t discriminate…

      You just take the left side of Hoody and I’ll take the right…that way she won’t be able to fall over because we are such AWESOME stable friends… (and I use ‘stable loosely’.

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  9. I’m just wondering if your improved walking ability upon drunkenness is real or perceived? Like my improved dancing ability, or improved sexual abillity.

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  10. Is it wrong that the phrase “bleu cheese dip” made me forget the rest of your story?

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  11. Happy Anniversary!
    Why can’t I get my wife to drink 3 cups of rum? Wait, she’s pregnant. But when she’s not pregnant, she still won’t drink 3 cups of rum. Even if I spike her drink, she figures it out. But there was this one time where she did have too much…and she insisted I brush her teeth. Could barely sit up, and she’s all “Brush my teeth, goddammit” I told her that it didn’t matter, that she could do without just this once, but she told me that if I was going to sleep in the bed I would have to brush her teeth. So I did.

    Drunken stories about me are way to countless to tell.

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  12. Ha Wag… My husband is the one who doesn’t drink and the drunk stories are about me… Its nice having an available DD!!

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  13. *cough*
    Would you PLEASE BLOG You lazy BAS-TUHD…
    Posted on April 12, 2011 by chuckweasel
    *cough*
    You’ve bumped him off haven’t you, all this talk of you and chuckweasel doing this that and the other is all just a cover-up…I’m right aren’t I…you’ve buried him in Cincinnati, and now I’ve uncovered your diabolical plan….I’m next! EEEEP!

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  14. “mushrooms with bleu cheese dip.” this NEEDS to be in my fridge right now.

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  15. Ummmm are you stuck in a hole somewhere?? Do you need help… I’m starting to hear an echo in here… hello o o o o o Is anybody here ere ere ere ere….

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  16. Hoody…you doing OK? The people at the radio station haven’t filed a cease and desist order or something I hope? If you’re OK, tap once. If not, tap twice. If you can’t tap, tap three times.

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