At Least I Tried

I have discovered something that may come as a shock to y’all… I… am a terrible, terrible person.

I know, I know, you’re all aflutter : “Oh, no, not Hoody!  How can this be?  She is sweetness and light and graciousness incarnate!”  Yeah, not so much.

See, The Weasel and I were watching some show about this girl who was hanging out in the Hamptons for the summer with her rich friend (who of course could get them invited to all the good parties), and the not-rich girl got all up in the rich girl’s face for saying mean shit behind people’s back.  I ask you, Hoody’s Hooligans:  WHY THE HELL ELSE WOULD YOU GO TO A PARTY???

Here are some of the rich girl’s gems:

“Too short, too tight, too fat.”

“I’m actually embarrassed.” (for a sad so-called “rapper” trying to break it down)

“So… much… PAISLEY.”

I LOVE THIS GIRL!  Ask Chuckweasel or Dear Sweet Mama — this is what I do.  If there is a thing to be mocked, rest assured, I will mock it.  I see it as my sacred duty:  If you don’t have something nice to say about somebody, come sit by me. 

Plus, the rich girl routinely got bartenders to give her the ENTIRE BOTTLE instead of just a glass of the free champagne… and she summed up her philosophy with my three favorite words: “I don’t care.”

Which is rich Yankee girl speak for “Fuck all y’all, where’s my purse?”

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22 Comments

Filed under I Rule You, La Vida Loca

22 responses to “At Least I Tried

  1. Lizzybeth

    That doesn’t make you a bad person…

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  2. I like to tell all the really skinny girls that their ankles are fat- You know they go home and purge all over the bathroom…HA puking wont help those ankles fatty!!

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    • Stay tuned for tomorrow… we also watched a show about girls who had that body dysmorphic disorder and I spent the whole time telling them what parts of their bodies they ACTUALLY should have been worried about!

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      • (Girl looking despirately in the mirror at her saddle bags, pinching, pulling, patting…. ” You know I just don’t think I can live like this. I feel like people are watching me, all they can see are my saddle bags! Its horrible and I am so ashamed.”)

        ***Julia and Hoody sitting on the couch eating chips and drinking beer*** “You know what she SHOULD be worried about… that wonky eye… I mean really who could be drawn to look at her hips when her eye is all fucked up and shit??”

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  3. I love people watching! And then making fun of them.

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  4. 1. I always claim to shit cherry ice cream.
    2. I got to use a sorta “mean girl” line at the wedding reception: “Wow. Not everyone would be brave enough to wear that dress.” (It was to the ex’s sister, who openly hates me. Heh.)

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  5. I’m torn, here. I mean, I WANT to be thought of as sweetness and light. I would like to be the sort of person who gets long-winded, sobbing eulogies at her funeral.

    Unfortunately for THAT particular fantasy, I’m genetically predisposed to snark. When my hypochondriac great aunt became deathly ill, I said, “Well, she finally has something to complain about.” My mom was so mad, she yelled, “Andi! That’s terrible! That’s exactly what your uncle said.” See? I can’t even help it.

    I actually think I’ve seen this show…..somewhere. Either that or TV really has become that repetitive. I end up yelling at the stupid people too, so I guess I’ll have to take a seat on the couch between you and Jules. Pass the chips.

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    • Woohoo Grab a seat! I have an hypochondriac aunt… My twin sister and I are going to hell in a hand-basket because of her… We refuse to rush to her hospital bed side “because this is it she is really sick and dying” because we have been there like 800 times… now in order for us to show up we require the signed death certificate in the mail…. and that wont happen since Canada Post is on strike!

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      • I try very hard not to say things like “What is it NOW?” to people who are ALWAYS allegedly dying… but my mouth is not under my control! And these are good chips…

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  6. I actually had to stop watching TV because I get too riled up. Seriously.

    Oh, and the cable box confuses me and the DVR is just kidding most of the time when I program it. Yeah, screw it. When I feel the need to say nasty things, I just go to the local Wal-Mart (or as I like to call it, The Wally wally wally wally wally wally World). When I was down in Louisiana, there was a guy in the Wally World with NO FACE. Cable TV can’t beat that.

    I am pretty sure this means that Karma is planning to bite me in the ass one day.

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    • how do you have no face? and if you do have no face, how do you think it’s okay to go to Walmart and inflict that on people? I’m proud of you — I would have run screaming.

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  7. Snarky comments go through my head and I immediately beat myself up for it! Then I’m all “So…many…BRUISES!”

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  8. Norway

    I discovered I was a bad person during Health class a while back, when we learned that every second, 8 people die from smoking related diseases and I found myself incredibly amused. Oops.

    Like

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