Tryin’ to Make Me Go to Rehab…

… and I say, “N–” … hold on a minute.

I was watching a bunch of shows yesterday (MTV’s True Life — LOVE it!) about people who were big ol’ alcoholics or drug addicts or whatever.  And now I’m pissed off that they get to go to rehab and I don’t. 

Stick with me — I don’t do any bad drugs and I AIN’T gonna stop drinkin’, but what’s wrong with sending me somewhere restful where somebody else will cook my meals and look after me?  I know, a spa kinda does that, but they don’t love you like the rehab folks do!  They’d probably get pissed if I asked for a mojito, though…

Speaking of which, I ALSO want to live in a retirement home.  Why do only old people get to live in a community where they get their meals made and someone plans fun activities for them?  That being said, though, it does tend to piss me off when cruise directors and what-have-you try to get me to join in activities… all I do on vacation is lay on the beach and drink, sorry.

Maybe just a fleet of servants?  But then I couldn’t sit around the house in my underpants eating peanut butter out of the jar.  Or maybe I COULD, but they might call someone… who would take me to the loony bin!  The LOONY BIN!  Meals made, life arranged, fun activities and crafts AND the good drugs!  SOLD!



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19 responses to “Tryin’ to Make Me Go to Rehab…

  1. If you had weiner, you could take pictures of it, Twitter it, and then go to weiner rehab.


  2. yeah, but the only other person there would be the Original Weiner, and he’s a weiner Judas because he initially denied his weiner…


  3. My father in law emailed me yesterday, no joke, about how its cheaper to go to the holiday in then to ‘shady pines-where the tree’s are not the only thing shady”. (He doesn’t know I made arrangements for the ‘Dollar a day’ section of Shady Pines for him. He totally should have been nicer to me…. Anyway, if your interested to know… Average cost of a nursing home $188.00 per day, a long term stay discount and senior discount at the Holiday in $59.23/night. Shady Pines…. $1/day includes runny oatmeal and a multivitamin, and water pumped up from the pond.


    • see, that doesn’t seem so bad — $188/day which presumably includes 3 hots and a cot and maybe an outing to the Amish Market? That’s a better deal than most hotels!


  4. I did a big photography project for an old age home last year. I went on their outings and photographed them enjoying parks and shows and boat rides and I have to say … the Bus that takes them places is the WORST ride of my life… I still have a bruise on my ass! Its a good thing most can’t feel anything below thier bottom lip!!


  5. I dunno… I think it would be cheaper to just head to Costa Rica or some place and live in a beach house with servants. A friend of mine moved to Guatemala where he “works” on his “coffee company” (actually, he roasts incredible coffee). He rents a villa on a lake, has a servant, married a local girl, and rides his motorcycle to coffee plantations for fun… all on a few thousand dollars a year.


  6. I’m allergic to having to do anything when I don’t want to do it, which is pretty much the whole concept behind elder homes and mental institutions.

    Imagine: being stuck at summer camp for life with really sadistic counselors. Yep, like that. No thanks.

    I do like Leauxra’s idea of Costa Rica though. The Hubs and Oldest between them can mangle enough Spanish to get by. Hubs can do handyman type jobs and I can take in sewing. I guess that’s my retirement all settled…..


  7. OHMYGAWD Did you se my post yesterday about peanut butter?! It’s like we’re twins or something.


  8. Don’t forget getting to walk around in a robe and slippers all day! SCORE! Huh, what’s it like to live in a place where they’d throw you out if you STOPPED talking to your poop?


    • I could finally stop listening to that voice in my head that says, “We don’t do that in public, Hoody” and “That’s really offensive/dangerous/stupid, Hoody.” Wait, who am I kidding, I don’t listen to that bitch anyway!


  9. i’m bipolar and i’ve so far avoided the looney bin…

    but i have a sneaking suspicion that it would be a great place to take a vacation. lemme see. good drugs, no one worries if you’re acting insane because you ARE, ability to walk around all day in your pajamas, ability to bounce off the walls (literally!) if they lock you in the rubber room…

    yeah, i think i’m going there next for my summer vacay. hmm. now, how to go about getting committed…


  10. Yeah, I’m thinking like me you really just want to be uber filthy rich. Then you can be “eccentric” rather than bat crap crazy and I think you’re allowed to do whatever you want that way.


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