WARNING: I KNOW SOME OF YOUSE TEND TO READ ME WHILE YOU’RE EATING BREAKFAST. TODAY IS NOT THE DAY TO DO THAT.
I have had what may in fact be The World’s Most Grossest Morning. Seriously, when you start your day desperately trying not to throw up, it’s gonna be a doozy.
First of all, my who-has-an-outdoor-wedding-at-high-noon-in-9,000-degree-heat sunburn is now PEELING. Now, this is probably very weird, but in my 34 (and counting) years on this here ball of rock, I have NEVER peeled. I either tan so dark that people ask why Dear Sweet Mama has so many pictures of a little black girl… or I skip ahead to an itchy, bumpy rash. There was no middle ground. Until now.
And although I was COMPLETELY. FRICKIN’. FASCINATED. (and somewhat disgusted) by the girl in my band class in junior high who would peel off big strips of her sunburn AND EAT IT, I really could have done without this experience for myself. But now the area where my shoulders meet my neck (my noulder? sheck?) is coming off in strips. And there’s some sort of LIQUID involved, I don’t know where it’s coming from but I’m not gonna think about it.
So as if waking up as a leper wasn’t bad enough, when I went to put my jeans on this morning, I discovered that I had been the victim of a Nefarious Kitten Plot. You see, I do not wash my jeans every single time I wear them unless I get sweaty or grubby — so this pair was lying on the bed, waiting to be called back to action. I picked them up and pulled them on… and then I felt something WET and LUMPY in the vicinity of my ass…
Yes, the goddamn kittens whucked up a hairball IN MY PANTS… then somehow hid it so I wouldn’t see it until it was too late. And this WOULD happen on the one day that I could only find thong underwear…
PS — Check it out! CJ and the kittehs are totally on Thunder Thursday this week! I couldn’t be more proud! <<sniff>>