Oh, Come On…

So I get into work this morning and check the news feeds and what do I see?  The Rapture dude now says he got the date wrong, and we are ACTUALLY gonna get Raptured on October 21st.

Where to begin?  First of all, you can’t just keep throwing out imaginary dates you made up, good sir.  EVERYONE KNOWS the world is going to end on December 21st, and it’s next year, not this year.  Please endeavor to keep up, you’re screwing up the grading curve.

Also — if this preacher dude supposedly is getting his super-secret knowledge from God Himself, is it possible God just doesn’t like him very much?  Could he have been… PUNK’D BY THE LORD?

Anyhoo, I’m considering buying a calendar specifically for keeping track of all the dates the world is supposed to end, just so I can make my plans.  I mean, world domination doesn’t happen by itself, people!

And another thing — if the Rapture isn’t until October, it will be AFTER my birthday.  So I don’t get to die while I’m still in my “early” thirties (shut up, Chuckweasel, it’s early if I say so), but I do still get presents, so it evens out.  I want a chest freezer.  You know, for storing looter-meat.



Filed under GENIUS!, I Rule You, I'm Confused, Jesus and Pals, Random Thoughts, Twu Wuuv, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

30 responses to “Oh, Come On…

  1. Is that meat you get from looting or meat made of looters?
    Also, I’d love to see that guy in an on-camera interview and someone snap out at him: “Well, do you mean Gregorian calendar? Julian calendar? Mayan? Hebrew? Stardate? Huh? HUH?” Then I’d snort derisively and sneer, “I didn’t THINK so, Mr. Nutjob.”
    I mean, the interviewer would. Yes.
    Must stop personalizing everything, dammit.


    • what I enjoyed was the story that came out Friday that said the preacher dude still had all these buttloads of money in his bank account… WHAT ARE YOU SAVING IT FOR, NUTJOB???

      And LootED-meat is meat you get by looting. LootER-meat is meat you get by other people attempting to loot YOU.


  2. Funny Bitches have got to get up their own rapture date, only I think that what we should do is organize a movement in each of our respective cities whereby we get large groups of people to dress up like Jesus Christ and then separate, spreading the word. Either that or we just rapture the shit out of everybody.


  3. When I envision Mr. Rapture Preacher Man (sung to Son of a Preacher Man), all I can think of is this wrinkly old guy, in a toga (I don’t know WHY a toga, that’s just what my brain says), sitting on a unicorn, drinking a Big Gulp of Kool-Aid.

    You’d think after fucking up the first Rapture date, you’d lose a little creditability. He does live in California, and they’ve got that three strike rule. That must be it.


    • Dear Sweet Mama says he looks like the creepy “God is iiiiiin… his hoooly temple” preacher guy from Poltergeist 2 (mybe 2 — the one with the weird cult buried in their yard). So now he scares the bejeezus outta me!


  4. If we die before Halloween, I’m gonna be pissed….


  5. julia Johnston

    My FAVORITE Part of is speech is when he was asked what advice he has for the people who sold everything and now have nothing because they believed in his rapture. And his response was…. I am in no position to give financial advice. Now, I think he is in NO position to give ANY advice… wondering why this guy still has a mic in his hands… (I was SOOOO looking forward to the post apocoliptic looting)…this man has shattered my dreams…. UNTIL October….but if it doesn’t come in October I am SO not listening to him anymore! 🙂


    • as a member of the media, I can tell you — this guy still has a mic because reporters think it’s funny to let wackos mke fools of themselves. Oh, and he has his own radio station… which he probably paid for with all the money his idiots… I mean CONGREGATION… send him.


  6. Are you saying that Ashton Kutcher is god? Cause then I’m really screwed – I don’t believe in Ashton at all!


  7. Ideologue’s seem unable to face truth, even in the face of insurmountable evidence. It’s like the opposite of faith.
    Either way, I’m doing my best to just stay “ready”, at all times, just in case. But then I was raised as a Southern Baptist. “Nuff said.


  8. You know, maybe we should all just get together and CAUSE the end of the world. ENOUGH already with this waiting around.

    I want me a barony. Or at least a non-denominational abbey where I can use serfs to work the land so that I can make beer, wine, mead, and cider. Y’all can come over and drink if you promise to bring some meat to barter. Looter meat is fine.


  9. How many times can the many be wrong before people stop listening to him. At least the last time he was wrong he waited ten years to make another guess. We’re pushing a “I was only off by six months” idea this time? Whatever, I’ll be here eating my Cheetos.


  10. As somebody who just started the gentle, downward slope to 40, I’ve decided I’m staying right here on this damn planet as long as humanly possible. Where else can I feed my sci-fi addiction, my reading habit and my need to drink more White Russians than is entirely reasonable? Also, chocolate. So if the Big Guy Upstairs wants to Rapture me, he’s gonna have to do it the way I get the last of the pancake batter out of the bowl — with a big spoon and a lotta scraping.

    Also, if I had convinced a bunch of people to sell their things and give me the money, then the Rapture didn’t happen, I’d feel compelled to at least pretend to flee and/or hide out. I believe in giving value for the price. Also part two or three, if you sold all your belongings, why would you send money to this preacher dude? Isn’t he getting Raptured too? Wouldn’t it be better to send it to, I don’t know, Doctors Without Borders or something?


    • I thought the same thing — shouldn’t he have gotten Rapture points deducted for not doing good works with all that money (somehow I think the Rapture works like SkeeBall). And if I was him, I totally would have gone into hiding so everyone would think the Rapture DID happen and ONLY I was good enough to go.


  11. Chest freezer sounds like a contraption to make your nipples hard and looter meat sounds like code for D*ck-in-a-Box you broke a store window to steal!

    My mind’s in the gutter. No, no! Don’t help me up!


  12. OMG the “Punkd by the lord” comment. I died! haha. Bravo!


  13. Yeah I saw that but he did say that it was going to end on the 21st oct but the rapture was the other weekend…we’ll see. Oh yeah….and it was supposed to in 1994 too…


  14. punk’d by the lord. snort!

    good one. i applaud thee! and no doubt, so do the divine gods of Good Jokes, Sacrilegiousness, Blasphemy, and no doubt Hedonism. for the looting part. i mean, we would have all looted if we’d gotten half a chance.


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