And This Is Why

Yes, I’m still here, completely un-Raptured AND loot-free because apparently no one else got Raptured either.  And Baptists won’t let you steal their shoes while they’re still in ’em.  Dammit.

Here’s a conversation with Dear Sweet Mama that illustrates why both she and I will be available to water your plants and feed your pets if the Rapture DOES come.  I called her at like 10 ’til 6 and told her she had to stay on the phone with me and let me know if she got Raptured and she said, “But I have to go to the bathroom!  I don’t want to go to Heaven having to pee!”  And I said I was sure there would be bathrooms in Heaven, and she, being wise, says, “But if everybody gets sucked up at the same time, there’ll be a line!  I don’t wanna wait in line!”  And I replied, “No, that’s what makes it heaven — there’s enough bathrooms for everyone so there’s never any lines.  My Father’s house has many toilets.”  And that’s why I’m going to Hell, and so is Dear Sweet Mama, ’cause not only did she laugh, but she also raised me, so me being like this is her own fault.  And so are all you bitches, ’cause I know you laughed, too.  ‘Cause you forgot to close the blinds again.

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22 Comments

Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, GENIUS!, I Rule You, Jesus and Pals

22 responses to “And This Is Why

  1. Doesn’t it say somewhere in the Bible that the burden of the bladder shall be lifted upon entering heaven? Somewhere?

    In other words, no need for toilets, no lines, and no goddamn air hand dryers, because the guy who invented those went to hell anyway.

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  2. Which reminds me: How do you make Venetians blind?
    Poke ’em in the eye. Heh.
    Really, that’s all I’ve got right now.

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  3. Yeah, I was totally disappointed in the “no looting” thing, too. On the other hand, it’s much easier to have a BBQ when no one is trying to eat your brains, and there’s no fire raining from the sky or anything.

    And your mom is one smart lady. I would be worried about the bathrooms, too. And cell phone coverage.

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  4. I knew I’d be here all along. I’m not repentant about any of the things that would keep me out of heaven, according to the bible.

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    • I’m not real repentant about anything, really — I tend to try not to do things that would neccessitate repentance in the first place. That, and I have no shame.

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  5. Kati

    Your post made me laugh. I’m pretty sure God enjoyed a good laugh too when he read your post.

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  6. If you want some good Baptist shoes, just wait outside of the church door on Sunday. When you see a good pair, trip them as they emerge and the shoes are yours for the taking. Don’t ask me how I know this…

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  7. “Raptured” would be a really good name for a roller-coaster. Or a really bad name, depending.

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  8. Thank goodness they just came for Randy Macho Man Savage. It’d be way more boringer (yeah, I said it) without you! 😉

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    • I was actually very sad about the Macho Man. Then I cheered myself up by thinking about the autopsy, in which they will find his veins filled with Slim Jims!

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  9. If I was raptured, I’d probably piss my pants. That would take care of the bathroom issue right there. And I assume in heaven, you get better pants — hopefully to fit the better body. Cuz I’m pretty sure that’s the only way I’m getting rid of these saddlebags.

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  10. I think the pee gets knocked out of you when you get sucked up to heaven. Or God catheterizes you so his carpets don’t get soiled. I don’t know. I’m not a heaven scientist or a urologist.

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    • “Theolo-urologist” — the kind of scientist who studies what happens to your pee during the Rapture

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      • DearSweetMama

        I love this. And I do think you leave the clothes behind so there are no pee pants in Heaven. That would not be very rapturous. I am pretty sure I will pee if and when I am raptured, but at my age, I tend to pee a little at everything – mail delivery, phone ringing, you get the picture.

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  11. “There are no pee-pants in Heaven.” I smell a poem comin’ on…

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