Yes, I’m still here, completely un-Raptured AND loot-free because apparently no one else got Raptured either. And Baptists won’t let you steal their shoes while they’re still in ’em. Dammit.
Here’s a conversation with Dear Sweet Mama that illustrates why both she and I will be available to water your plants and feed your pets if the Rapture DOES come. I called her at like 10 ’til 6 and told her she had to stay on the phone with me and let me know if she got Raptured and she said, “But I have to go to the bathroom! I don’t want to go to Heaven having to pee!” And I said I was sure there would be bathrooms in Heaven, and she, being wise, says, “But if everybody gets sucked up at the same time, there’ll be a line! I don’t wanna wait in line!” And I replied, “No, that’s what makes it heaven — there’s enough bathrooms for everyone so there’s never any lines. My Father’s house has many toilets.” And that’s why I’m going to Hell, and so is Dear Sweet Mama, ’cause not only did she laugh, but she also raised me, so me being like this is her own fault. And so are all you bitches, ’cause I know you laughed, too. ‘Cause you forgot to close the blinds again.