HOW TO GET THROUGH “CASE 39” WITHOUT CHOKING TO DEATH
ON YOUR HATRED OF RENEE ZELLWEGGER
1. Carefully examine her facial features. Which are the ones that make you want to crack her across the mouth with a tire iron? For me, it is always the intentionally-squinky eyes… stop doing that!
2. Say a prayer for poor Ian McShane to be able to pay off his gambling debts so he doesn’t have to do movies with Renee Zellwegger anymore.
3. Make up a song about all the things you can’t do with bees in your eyes/ears/etc. (to the tune of “Beans in My Ears”) For example, “I can’t read the paper with bees in my eyes, bees in my eyes, bees in my eyes…” This is a very important trick to make a certain scene in the movie slightly more bearable.
4. Root for the little weird girl to kill The Zellwegger. You’ll be doing this a LOT.
5. Look around the room and analyze all the potential weapons that would be more effective than the traditional horror-movie staple, the kitchen knife.
6. Reaffirm long-held belief that little white girls cannot be trusted (see also, “Let Me In”). Especially the ones who appear to be in desperate need of assistance.
7. Get a LEEEEETLE bit of respect for The Zell for her accurate portrayal of the breakdown everyone who has ever worked in social services spent every day trying to avoid: “You shut the fuck up before I come over to your house and beat your ass like you beat your son’s! I HAVE YOUR ADDRESS!”
8. Applaud self for decision not to have children as of yet… must formulate defense plan first, those fuckers are EVIL.
9. Remind self to always wear appropriate night-time apparel in case of a horror-movie situation. Shortie PJ’s will NOT cut it.
10. Notice that The Zell has some fucked-up looking feet. Consider that she may be a relative.
This movie made me realize that I am possibly the only person in the entire world who OWNS a mortar and pestle, but does NOT use it for grinding up sleeping pills to kill people with. Huh.