Trust Me, I’m a Film Major

HOW TO GET THROUGH “CASE 39” WITHOUT CHOKING TO DEATH

ON YOUR HATRED OF RENEE ZELLWEGGER

1.  Carefully examine her facial features.  Which are the ones that make you want to crack her across the mouth with a tire iron?  For me, it is always the intentionally-squinky eyes… stop doing that!

2.  Say a prayer for poor Ian McShane to be able to pay off his gambling debts so he doesn’t have to do movies with Renee Zellwegger anymore.

3.  Make up a song about all the things you can’t do with bees in your eyes/ears/etc. (to the tune of “Beans in My Ears”) For example, “I can’t read the paper with bees in my eyes, bees in my eyes, bees in my eyes…” This is a very important trick to make a certain scene in the movie slightly more bearable.

4.  Root for the little weird girl to kill The Zellwegger.  You’ll be doing this a LOT.

5.  Look around the room and analyze all the potential weapons that would be more effective than the traditional horror-movie staple, the kitchen knife.

6.  Reaffirm long-held belief that little white girls cannot be trusted (see also, “Let Me In”).  Especially the ones who appear to be in desperate need of assistance.

7.  Get a LEEEEETLE bit of respect for The Zell for her accurate portrayal of the breakdown everyone who has ever worked in social services spent every day trying to avoid:  “You shut the fuck up before I come over to your house and beat your ass like you beat your son’s!  I HAVE YOUR ADDRESS!”

8.  Applaud self for decision not to have children as of yet… must formulate defense plan first, those fuckers are EVIL.

9.  Remind self to always wear appropriate night-time apparel in case of a horror-movie situation.  Shortie PJ’s will NOT cut it.

10.  Notice that The Zell has some fucked-up looking feet.  Consider that she may be a relative.

AND BONUS!

This movie made me realize that I am possibly the only person in the entire world who OWNS a mortar and pestle, but does NOT use it for grinding up sleeping pills to kill people with.  Huh.

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32 Comments

Filed under At the Movies, GENIUS!, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca

32 responses to “Trust Me, I’m a Film Major

  1. I use my mortar and pestle for grinding up just about everything. Some of those things kill people and some of them don’t. I’m all about universal tools.

    Thanks for the review of this movie. Now I won’t see it. You saved me from wasting a few hours of my life.

    And thanks for the quitting smoking support.

    Like

    • I am usually a fan of the “creepy child who is not what it appears to be” genre… but this one really telegraphs the ending from the get-go. I NEED SURPRISES, DAMMIT! And keep up the good work, I’m several months off the devil’s weed myself, so I feel your pain!

      Like

  2. I didn’t even want to see this movie but now I do just to see her feet.

    Thanks, thanks a lot.

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    • I wonder if you can just google her feet?

      Like

    • she has those little pointy curled-up bird toes, which is a trait of all them women in my family… The Zell may be my cousin. But none of us squink our eyes like that unless we’re very drunk.

      (and I’m fairly sure you should never Google anyone’s feet, even WITH SafeSearch on!)

      Like

  3. “Remind self to always wear appropriate night-time apparel in case of a horror-movie situation. Shortie PJ’s will NOT cut it.”

    What is appropriate apparel? Something sexy or something that will stop a weapon?

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    • well, in the movie, she was running around in the rain in her shortie PJ’s, and it was obvious she was not being protected from the elements. I’m thinking one should look for something that is both warm and easy to move in…

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  4. Doesn’t the girl in the cutest night-wear always get slaughtered? I’m wearing old flannels and a T – may have to switch to a union suit with a back flap!

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  5. Here’s another: Pray quietly for McShane to go all Al Swearengen on her ass.

    Like

  6. That’s not out here yet, at least now i can avoid it when it is.
    I always wear inappropriate pj’s i think you really need thick ones with feet so you can run through the woods, even though you forgot your shoes, and can shimmy down drains without friction burn 🙂

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  7. Children ARE evil, I really am surprised that Discover hasn’t come up with a reality show, “When Little Girls ATTACK!!!”. Luckily, you can usually distract them with glitter… I think this is why Twilight is so popular.

    In other news, I think I’ll skip this movie, but I am still planning on going to Scream 4.

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  8. I have never even heard of this movie. And now I’m glad.

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  9. I can’t watch the Zell in any movie without having to follow it up with a trip to the dentist and getting a face massage. I find myself trying to mimic her face distortion…bad thing to do…hurts like hell afterward. But it does help to cover her voice which also makes me crazy. Gosh, I am a Zell beater!

    Like

  10. I like the part of horror movies where the evil kid gets punch or thrown out a window or set on fire. I cheer like a redneck watching their favorite drivers at a NASCAR race.

    Case 39 sucked.

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  11. I spent years matching my t-shirts to my bikini underwear before I realized it was because I was subconsciously preparing to be cast in a horror movie. Don’t they all have that scene where one of the girls runs around in a t-shirt and underwear?

    Also, I think I need to copy your movie coping skills. I’m not a fan of most horror movies, although I would like to be, and I don’t know what it says about me that I WANT to be able to watch things that creep me out. Perhaps I should start with the bad ones, like Case 39.

    Like

    • you gotta be careful that your outfit isn’t too cute, though — the cutest girl always gets chopped up! And I love horror movies, even the crappy ones. I probably like the crappy ones better than the ones that make me sleep with all the lights on!

      Like

  12. As for the mortar and pestle, I guess it’s probably never too late to start. If you lack direction I *could* help get you started. I have a list. A short list. 😉

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  13. If you come up with that defense plan any time soon, please share. My evil fucker is already on its way.

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  14. I’d never heard of this movie before, but now I really really want to see it, or maybe avoid it. I can’t decide which.

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    • I was in the same boat — I should’ve listened to the part of me that said “You hate The Zell, she will ruin this for you.” Same way I didn’t see “The Box” because of Cameron Diaz.

      Like

  15. yeah, i got one of them thangs, but only because it came second-hand.
    if i’d bought it myself, it would have been stone or marble or something – VERY convenient for crushing pills, especially sleeping pills.
    unfortunately i got it off an old roommate of mine, who got it off one of his old roommates who died (no, really), with this warning – “don’t use that for anything edible, i think he used to grind up poisonous plants in it.”
    besides, it’s made of wood and impossible to properly clean. does look good on a shelf.
    and now i look like a lunatic, which probably isn’t all that off-base, but yeah. i have a mortar & pestle. that doesn’t have any sleeping pills in it.
    yet.

    Like

    • mine is sealed wood, so I can only use it for crushing SAFE herbs and crap — no foxglove or nightshade! But I tend to steer clear of the poisons anyway… as far as you know…

      Like

  16. Pingback: Stupid Cameron Diaz | hoodyhoo

  17. Pingback: No, Thank You | hoodyhoo

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