There’s been a little bit of chitter-chatter ’round the ol’ Comments section lately on the subject of how your own dear Hoody ought to be the Queen/President/Etc… Okay I started most of it, but you enabling bitches keep ENCOURAGING me! So, be it on your own heads… I give you:
THINGS THAT WILL CHANGE WHEN I AM IN CHARGE
1. Cocktails will be served in adult-sized glasses. Honestly, by bringing me my Jack and Coke in that little baby juice tumbler, you’re only making more work for yourself.
2. Do what I say ’cause I said it. Wanna fight about it? Piss off.
3. Every third Tuesday is Tina Turner Tuesday. This means I will dress up in my Thunderdome outfit and we will settle any small claims/petty argument kind of crap. With violence.
Oh, and Wednesdays are Karaoke Night. Ladies Drink Free!
4. It takes a village, y’all… so if you won’t spank your horrible child, someone else will.
5. You know how criminals get credit for time served? Well, take it a step further — I will let you store up credit for use on a later crime. Say somebody pisses you right the fuck off, but they’re bigger than you, so you don’t wanna settle things in the Thunderdome. You can do community service and whatnot until you have earned the right to punch them in the face. Misdemeanors only, of course.
Anyone who disagrees with these rules can petition for a Royal Audience with the Queen and Her Court. You earn that by right of combat… WITH LAURA. Still sure about that?
(Obviously, these are my funny rules — believe it or not, I do actually have a list of serious ones (yes, I HAVE put way too much thought into this) . But they’re kinda “heavy,” man… so I’ll leave it up to y’all to decide if you want to hear ’em.)