Let Them Eat Pez!

There’s been a little bit of chitter-chatter ’round the ol’ Comments section lately on the subject of how your own dear Hoody ought to be the Queen/President/Etc… Okay I started most of it, but you enabling bitches keep ENCOURAGING me!  So, be it on your own heads… I give you:


1.  Cocktails will be served in adult-sized glasses.  Honestly, by bringing me my Jack and Coke in that little baby juice tumbler, you’re only making more work for yourself.

2.  Do what I say ’cause I said it.  Wanna fight about it?  Piss off.

3.  Every third Tuesday is Tina Turner Tuesday.  This means I will dress up in my Thunderdome outfit and we will settle any small claims/petty argument kind of crap.  With violence.

Oh, and Wednesdays are Karaoke Night.  Ladies Drink Free!

4.  It takes a village, y’all… so if you won’t spank your horrible child, someone else will.

5.  You know how criminals get credit for time served?  Well, take it a step further — I will let you store up credit for use on a later crime.  Say somebody pisses you right the fuck off, but they’re bigger than you, so you don’t wanna settle things in the Thunderdome.  You can do community service and whatnot until you have earned the right to punch them in the face.  Misdemeanors only, of course.

Anyone who disagrees with these rules can petition for a Royal Audience with the Queen and Her Court.  You earn that by right of combat… WITH LAURA.  Still sure about that?

(Obviously, these are my funny rules — believe it or not, I do actually have a list of serious ones (yes, I HAVE put way too much thought into this) .  But they’re kinda “heavy,” man… so I’ll leave it up to y’all to decide if you want to hear ’em.)



Filed under GENIUS!, I Rule You, The Royal Court

17 responses to “Let Them Eat Pez!

  1. I will only grab another crate of pez if you will ship one to my house, i need pez urgently and it’s super expensive here. I miss knock-off 69c per 300g bag pez


  2. why the hell is Pez so expensive? how much could it possibly cost to ship Pez? THEY WEIGH NEXT TO NOTHING! And I’ve never seen knock-off Pez, the real kind must be crushing the competition!


  3. Ha!
    I love Pez candy. But I have the taste buds of a 10 year old.


  4. “Cocktails will be served in adult-sized glasses.” Maybe go one step further and go with fishbowls instead of glasses.



  5. Good plan, but I have to tell you that Master of the Universe is already taken by my daughter. She does have a rockin Pez collection, though – at least 12 years worth.


  6. DearSweetMama

    I love Tina Turner in that hot Thunderdome outfit. Do you still have my outfit I wore to my high school reunion a million years ago? That would work as some kind of outfit. Sing – I can see by your outfit that you are a tyrant. You can see by my outfit that Imma tyrant, too. lalalala


    • “You can see by our outfits that we are both tyrants… if you buy a outfit you can be a tyrant, too.” — of course I still have that outfit — the gold lame’ sandals finally went on to their final reward (the lame’ flaked off), but the outfit itself is still in my closet, awaiting its triumphant return!


  7. I’d like to say something clever here, but the concept of expensive pez has knocked my brain into that whirring, trying-to-process phase…


  8. I’m going to use the hell out of #4! People, deal with your kids before I get a hankerin’ for some spankerin’!

    Consider yourselves warned.


    • You are so getting a Royal Decree that says that!
      “You are hereby ordered to surrender your recalcitrant child to the Palace with 2 days… We have a hankerin’ for some spankerin’. Love, HRH the Queen.”


  9. I’m fine with someone else spanking my horrible children, with the caveat that they have to figure out first WHO STARTED IT. That one always stumps me.

    Also, I have a few suggestions for world rules:

    1) Everything on TV should be labelled correctly. Fox News should be Fox Opinions, and infomercials should be labelled “Shit You Don’t Need, No Really.”

    2) People should be judged by a jury of exactly their peers. If you are a redneck mama who killed your baby daddy because he was whaling on you, you should be judged by other redneck mamas in the same situation and not by a bunch of rich suburban doctors. Because, clearly your peers get it and nobody else does.

    3) People who regularly make unsubstantiated statements should be forced (possibly at gunpoint) to give examples with citations and footnotes. Ie: women aren’t funny, really? And your evidence is? The government is a vast conspiracy? Ok, notes from the text, please.

    I’ve got more, but I have to save them up for when you appoint me Governor of my district.


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