Tickets, Please

Alrighty then, I think it’s been fairly well established:  If there is a hell, I am going to it.  Straight there, do not pass go, do not collect $200, right this way, Ms. Hoo, we have your penthouse ready.  So if you’re very religious and can’t take a joke about it, you might want to stop now and drop back in tomorrow.

Are they gone?  Good.  Wait, none of you left (better make that penthouse a condo…).

Anyhoo, on the radio this morning, yes, on the always-entertaining and guaranteed-to- make-me-talk-out-loud-in-the-car “Coast 2 Coast with George Noory,” there was this guest with a REALLY hot Irish accent.  So, I’m driving along, and I think he’s a Bible scholar or something, but I don’t really CARE, ’cause IRISH ACCENT, ya know?  Then he said something so flamingly obnoxious that I actually started to pay attention.

This dude says that between the Rapture and the actual ‘Pocolypse, there’s going to be a mass conversion of people to Christianity because apparently everyone’s goona say “Oops, guess you were right,” and hop on the Salvation Train. 

Okay, wait a minute.  I only set foot in a church if they have good paintings and architecture, but even I know that sounds a little off.  Is he saying you can just ignore everything all your life and then when the actual Devil is in your actual dining room, you can suddenly say, “Hey, Jesus, got a minute?”  Even a heathen like me is offended at that — Jesus Christ is not a frickin’ E-Z pass! 

Also, apparently there’s a group saying the Rapture is gonna be on May 21 of this year.  Now, I’m not sayin’ nothin’, but let’s just say, I’ve already made my dinner plans for the 22nd!



Filed under I'm Confused, Jesus and Pals, Random Thoughts, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

20 responses to “Tickets, Please

  1. I hope the Rapture reschedules. It’ll be messing up my 30th birthday plans in June.


  2. dude, why? I’m pretty sure we’ll all still be here! : )


  3. Yeah, I am gonna be PISSED OFF if the world ends on the 21st. I am planning a big birthday BBQ with homemade root beer and ice cream, and beer, and a slackline set up, and… it’s on the 22nd. Because I will be 35. You’re totally invited.


    • SWEET! How the hell do you make root beer?


      • Umm… roots, sugar, yeast, bottle. Drink fast before the bottles explode. There are also kits if you don’t want to try to find any sassafras. Am currently trying to come up with a theme for my party… maybe something like “Disco Jello Zombie Tupperware Party”…


        • I have the perfect Disco Queen outfit… and I can do some seriously good zombie makeup… but I’m a little concerned about having to “drink it fast before the bottles explode…” after all, I am technically just a bottle made of meat…


  4. Well, you know who’s birthday is May 21st, don’t you? Don’t you? Oh come on now….
    Mr. T.
    He pities the fool who schedules that Rapture crapture on his birthday.
    Know who else?
    Notorious B.I.G. He’s renaming it Rap-ture.
    And Doris Day… okay, I have nothing for that. Check with me on the 22nd.


  5. These people need to get their stories straight. Rapture does not equal the end of the world, just the end of the world with sanctimonious shits in it.
    I’m not worried about the rapture, since the part of my family that I don’t like is super religious and I’m trying to avoid spending eternity with them. At the moment, I can’t even last five days without starting a fight.

    On the other hand, if you hear of any sure-fire ways to end up in hell, shoot me a list. I could use some suggestions. So far, this is what I’ve got:

    1. Thou shall have no other gods before me.
    Don’t have any gods. I suspect that gods, like Chuck Norris, have YOU.
    2. Don’t make any idols or worship them.
    This one I follow, but mostly by accident. I flunked art.
    3. Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain.
    I take everybody’s name in vain. No exceptions.
    4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.
    I prefer to go shopping. I worship at the temple of Sunday sales.
    5. Honor your father and mother.
    Have you met my parents? I rest my case.
    6. Thou shall not kill.
    It’s still bad if I do it in my head, right? I brain slay people all the time.
    7. Thou shall not commit adultery.
    See #6. Also, I’m too lazy. Pretty sure that’s a sin.
    8. Thou shall not steal.
    See #7.
    9. Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
    I live in the suburbs. Making up stories about my neighbors is the only entertainment around here.
    10. Thou shall not covet.
    Now that’s just unAmerican.


    • I’m encouraging my extremely religious father to fill his pockets with M&M’s and chicken wings on the 21st, just in case. ‘Cause I’ll miss him when he gets kidnapped by Jesus, and I eat when I’m sad.


  6. The 21st eh, guess I don’t need to buy my nephew his birthday present after all.


  7. DearSweetMama

    Well – in discussing this with the Concubine, our source for all things Christian – she says Jesus does not administer cheap grace. And then got into all this stuff about a camel going through a needle, straight and narrow gates, etc. and I got bored and missed a lot of it. I was looking at my feet and wondering why I have bird toes but so does my sister and anyway, she’s with you, Hoody – no EZ Pass Jesus for her. But she is hoping this freaks everyone out and increases the average Sunday attendance.


  8. There’s a billboard that says “The Rapture: You KNOW it’s nonsense. 2000 years of ‘Any Day Now.'”

    It makes me giggle every night on the way home!


  9. What about the Zombies? Where do they fall in this Rapture business?


    • Not sure — I’ll have to refer this to Dear Sweet Mama’s Concubine, aforementioned source for all Christian knowledge — where exactly do zombies fall on the state-of-grace scale?


      • DearSweetMama

        Hmmm – we are both thinking that zombies are not zombies by any of their own fault, so they may be rapturized which means us slackers will then live in a zombie free land. HA! I bet those Rapturites didn’t realize they were going to zombie heaven.


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