Oh, Honey, No…


As anyone who has ever worked in the news will tell you, you quickly lose your… let’s call it “Dumbass Tolerance Factor” (DTF, but not in a Jersey Shore kind of way).  So it rapidly becomes nigh on IM-FUCKING-POSSIBLE for you to watch the cable news (or, Goddess help us, the LOCAL news) without having an aneurysm.  I give you:

The Most Pants-Shittingly Retarded News Anchor Questions from the bin Laden Death Coverage

1.  “So, when the SEALs went into the compound, were the people in there armed?”

Well, sweetie, we did say there was a “firefight,” and while I realize you’re only 11 years old,  even you should know that doesn’t mean they were actually throwing actual fire…

2.  “Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bomb the compound?”

Um, yeah, it would’ve been… but that DOES tend to piss off the neighbors.  And the UN can be a huge dick about that whole “12 city blocks of collateral damage” thing.

3.  “Couldn’t we have made some kind of burial arrangements with some other country beforehand?”

Sure, we regularly call up not-so-friendly foreign governments to ask them if we could — HYPOTHETICALLY, of course — bury somebody there if we — I SAID HYPOTHETICALLY — were to possibly kill them someday.  But not today, of course.  Not that we even have a plan or anything…


4.  “Why haven’t we heard of this secret SEAL team before?”

Wait, do you not know what the word “secret” means…?  You know what, never mind.  Allow me to answer your question with a question of my own… WHO DID YOU FUCK TO GET THIS JOB????

Ugh.  I guess this is what we get for using news anchors whose main memory of 9/11 was that the mall was closed.

And now, the special secret about yesterday’s post…

Well, it was only my 100th post and all, but that’s okay, I didn’t really expect flowers or anything… <sniff>



Filed under Reality Bites, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

26 responses to “Oh, Honey, No…

  1. ah man, you are such a pro I had no way to know you were a baby 100-blogger. Being as you are a professional and all, I suppose you really didn’t need a learning curve. Also because you have some pretty big bloggers (not me, I’m not big) who dig you, I assume you had been around for a while.

    Just shows creams rises to the top. ‘Cause as far as I know there is no one you can fuck to advance in the bloggy-spere.

    congrats and I hate local news.


  2. what do you mean there’s no one I can fuck to advance in the bloggy-sphere? excuse me, I gotta go smack some bitches…
    Seriously, though, thanks for the praise and keep on reading — I can only get crazier from here!


  3. Congrats on your 100th post! I’m looking forward to many more from you!

    The news yesterday was insane at best – I think they were trying to make the “Breaking News” part of it last for 24 hours – only they had nothing to say and nothing to show…


    • that is my biggest pet peeve — to me, “Breaking” means new stuff is happening RIGHT NOW… I used to get in such fights with news directors who tried to milk it for hours!


  4. Congratufuckinglations! That’s a big milestone! At least you were paying attention to when you posted your 100th. I must have been too distracted by the mall being closed! 😉


  5. Most excellent post. I gave up that crap years ago, although I do occasionally tune in for giggles.
    Give ’em hell, Hoody!


    • 5 years in local TV news has broken me of ever watching it again — and both Dear Sweet Mama and Chuckweasel say watching even regular news with me is like watching Platoon at the VFW!


  6. Seriously, I got you flowers but then the ninja-goats came back and ate them. Yes! Ate them! I’ll catch it up on your 200th, okay?
    The first 100 were supercool, btw.
    So cool I couldn’t even type out that whole “by the way” thing. Yes.


    • well, when those goats poop out my flowers I expect to see evidence! (seriously, though, don’t send me pictures of goat poop). Thanks for sticking around!


  7. Wait — you didn’t get my card?!!

    Another funny post, hoody. 🙂



  8. DearSweetMama

    And your Dear Sweet Mama is so proud – I am sure one of the margaritas I had last night, as well as one of the Concubine’s champagne – she is a classy drunk – were in celebration of you and your awesomeness.


  9. AHAHAAA! Holy Crap those are funny! I wish you had outed the dumbasses who asked those questions.

    Congratulations on post number 100!! 🙂


    • thanks! And it was mostly, I hate to say it, CNN — but I think the stupid hairdo’s asking them were just place-holders while Wolf Blitzer took a nap!


  10. “Sure, we regularly call up not-so-friendly foreign governments to ask them if we could — HYPOTHETICALLY, of course — bury somebody there if we — I SAID HYPOTHETICALLY — were to possibly kill them someday…..”

    How true it is.

    Did you see the Colbert Report last night? It was HEE-larious, showing Seth Myers cracking a joke about Bin Laden (pre-murder, of course) ast a White House roast/function-thingy, and Obama laughing heartily. Stephen was all like “It’s funny because he’s killing him!”

    Okay, Stephen tells it better than I do…


  11. I’ve spent years wondering why they tell us military secrets on national news. “This is a look inside a top-secret military facility!” Well, it isn’t so secret anymore, is it?

    That reminds me of why I stopped watching local news — they did a story on a guy who was knocked down and two pit bulls were eating his brain (yes, really) and some trucker stopped by, chased away the dogs and took him to the hospital. THEN THEY NEVER DID A FOLLOW-UP. I spent ten years in suspense before I finally had the good sense and the technology to Google “pit bulls eating brain.” Sadly, the guy didn’t make it, but I’m still mad at the nightly news for that cliffhanger.

    Also, congrats on your 100th post! Hope you have 100 more.


    • I am OCD about followups for that exact reason — most reporters apparently buy a mystery novel and immediately rip out the last few pages! And I have always wondered how we can be so sure that terrorists don’t get cable…


  12. Congrats on 100 posts…the check is in the mail. So secret actually means not to tell? Now I understand why I have no friends. Great post.


  13. I work for a big-city paper, and we *love* to make fun of TV news anchors. You should have heard us during Osamathon the other night.


  14. News anchors are just “attractive” people given shit to read. Kinda like actors except with less talent and more clothes. I read somewhere too that they choose news anchor people for their diction (they prefer a mid-western accent) and large heads! Seriously. So I’ve been paying attention and lo and behold- most I’ve seen have big heads!


    • It’s true — they want the “middle America” accent — no Bah-stahn, no rednecks… and their heads have to be that big to support all that hair. It’s certainly not to make room for brains!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s