STAY TUNED FOR THE BIG REVEAL OF WHY THE LAST POST WAS SO SPECIAL!
As anyone who has ever worked in the news will tell you, you quickly lose your… let’s call it “Dumbass Tolerance Factor” (DTF, but not in a Jersey Shore kind of way). So it rapidly becomes nigh on IM-FUCKING-POSSIBLE for you to watch the cable news (or, Goddess help us, the LOCAL news) without having an aneurysm. I give you:
The Most Pants-Shittingly Retarded News Anchor Questions from the bin Laden Death Coverage
1. “So, when the SEALs went into the compound, were the people in there armed?”
Well, sweetie, we did say there was a “firefight,” and while I realize you’re only 11 years old, even you should know that doesn’t mean they were actually throwing actual fire…
2. “Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bomb the compound?”
Um, yeah, it would’ve been… but that DOES tend to piss off the neighbors. And the UN can be a huge dick about that whole “12 city blocks of collateral damage” thing.
3. “Couldn’t we have made some kind of burial arrangements with some other country beforehand?”
Sure, we regularly call up not-so-friendly foreign governments to ask them if we could — HYPOTHETICALLY, of course — bury somebody there if we — I SAID HYPOTHETICALLY — were to possibly kill them someday. But not today, of course. Not that we even have a plan or anything…
AND THE WINNER IS……
4. “Why haven’t we heard of this secret SEAL team before?”
Wait, do you not know what the word “secret” means…? You know what, never mind. Allow me to answer your question with a question of my own… WHO DID YOU FUCK TO GET THIS JOB????
Ugh. I guess this is what we get for using news anchors whose main memory of 9/11 was that the mall was closed.
And now, the special secret about yesterday’s post…
Well, it was only my 100th post and all, but that’s okay, I didn’t really expect flowers or anything… <sniff>