Things I Don’t Know

I recently saw something I had never seen before, and it reminded me of one of the stupidest things I ever thought was true.  I saw a boy wild turkey trying to catch the eyes of 2 girl wild turkeys (they didn’t appear interested, as Chuckweasel pointed out, maybe they jush wanna dansh by theirshelves)  — and I had never seen a boy wild turkey, so I was amazed that they have the big ol’ traditional turkey butt plumage that domestic ones have.  So he’s shaking his butt at the women, and they keep scuttling off, and I am FRICKIN’.  FASCINATED.

But we were on the interstate, and Chuckweasel for some reason frowns upon illegally pulling over on the interstate to watch turkey porn, so we continued on.  And I recalled that, as a child  (okay, until like last year) I did not think birds had sex.

Now, I am not that stupid.  I knew something had to be occurring to make more birds, but I also knew how insects and fish — which also lay eggs — do the whole I’ll put these eggs over here and you just get to them when you’re ready method, so I figured birds did, too.  And don’t ask me how I thought the… uh, product got through the eggshell, I don’t know.  I guess I thought they stayed soft long enough for the rooster to get there. 

Then I meet Chuckweasel, and he used to keep pet birds, and he informs me that my ideas regarding bird reproduction are ludicrously retarded.  Which I think is a slang term for “endearing and well-thought-out.”  When you add this to the head cheese thing, it’s a wonder I’m allowed out without a helmet.



Filed under I'm Confused, Random Thoughts, SCIENCE!, Things I Don't Know, Twu Wuuv

12 responses to “Things I Don’t Know

  1. You need a bumper sticker: “I brake for turkey porn.”


  2. I, too, am fascinated by the breeding habits of animals. Don’t know where you are but I think we could have a great time in MO where there are plenty of places to hang out and possibly observe them without them ever knowing. I especially like to watch the mother’s with their babies.


    • here in Wes’ BYGAWD Virginny, we have what nature experts like to call “a shitpot” of deer, squirrels, racoons, possums, etc…. all of whom choose to live in the quote-unquote “city.” It’s very weird to be late for work because a deer wouldn’t let you in the building!


  3. Should we further blow your mind by telling you that some fish and insects also have sex? I’m wondering if I’ll get pinged for Googling “dragonfly sex” at work…because as I recall, it is dirty dirty dirty.


    • dammit, don’t tell me that! I always thought when you saw a dragonfly on top of another dragonfly, it meant one was tired and needed a ride! My illusions, where have they gone?


  4. Birds are actually a bunch of perverts.


    • they already freaked me out after the goose blacked both my eyes, now I have to worry that they’re out there DOIN’ IT??? With their weird tongues and everything???


  5. I thought the same exact thing as a kid! I thought the boy bird jizzed on the eggs after they were hatched because my crazy-ass meemaw had a parrot that lived in a cage by itself and it laid eggs! Fact. Then I witnessed a duck rape at a park once, which I thought was a fight at first, and a lightbulb went off in my head that that was fowl fornication. Marlin Perkins never told us, so how were we to know?


    • that was my thought, too! I thought they just left it around, you know? ‘Cause chickens lay eggs even when they’re not pregnant… ew. Wait. That means we’re eating chicken period… ugh.


  6. I like to watch pigeon porn. Umm, what? They seem to follow me around, I don’t encourage the behavior. Much.


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