Put That BACK!

Holy Jesus.  Have y’all seen the new show, “Extreme Couponing?”  These bitches (and yes, some of them are men… and allegedly STRAIGHT men at that, but I have my doubts there) — anyhoo, they take the frickin’ DAY OFF WORK to go to the grocery store and they have STOCKPILES of shit in their houses… some of which they don’t even USE but they had a coupon so they bought 117 of it.  One bitch had NINE.  GODDAMN.  CARTS.  and when she went to check out, the motherfucking register locked up because IT HAD EXCEEDED ITS 1,000-SCAN LIMIT.  No one should ever have found out cash registers HAD a 1,000-scan limit!

They’re so into this stuff they’re actually BUYING coupons off the internet, or subscribing to a gazillion newspapers from places they don’t even live because they have good coupons.  I mean, let’s do some math:  3 hours of shopping (THREE HOURS!), 3 more at checkout… Little Miss 9-Carts ended up with $1,175 worth of crap for $51.  Plus the $70-some she spent buying coupons off the internet, the gas for TWO freakin’ SUV dealies she had to have to drag all her shit home… oh, and let’s not forget the ABSOLUTE FUCKING HATRED of her poor, beleagured husband…

Yeah, I get it, it’s a deal, but DAMN.  They’re spending like 8 or 9 hours a day looking up sales, comparing prices, and OF COURSE, clipping fucking coupons!  What’s your TIME worth?  Dear Sweet Mama always taught me — You never do something yourself that would take you longer in hours (like your hourly pay at work)  than you could pay somebody else to do.  So, for instance, if I make $16 an hour and it would take me 2 hours (plus crying) to change the oil in the car, that would be $32.  And they’ll do it for $29.95 at WalMart.  ‘Nuff said.

Don’t get me wrong, I shop like a Mormon.  I buy 2 of things so I can stock up, but I’m preparing for the Zombie Apocolypse, so that’s just good sense.  I also only go to the store ONCE a week (mostly for catfood) and I would rather be shot in the face than have to go more often.  I HATE the store, hate it hate it hate it!  It’s not unusual for me to cry in the Kroger, especially if they’ve just rearranged the shelves (why must they DO that???).

One of these coupon women said flat-out she would have to leave her “stockpile” to her kids when she dies… she’s got THAT MUCH SHIT.  And it’s WEIRD shit!  2,000 bite-size Butterfingers ain’t gonna save you from the ‘Pocolypse!

PS  — And I would absolutely slash my wrists with my shopper’s discount card if I ever got in the checkout behind one of these crazy fucks.  JUST. SHOOT. ME.

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18 Comments

Filed under I'm Confused, My Secret Shame(s), Weep for Humanity, WTF???

18 responses to “Put That BACK!

  1. Never seen that show – but sounds like cheap hoarders with coupon OCD and maybe a little bulimia thrown in too boot!

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  2. I have a hard time bringing coupons I have for things that I normally buy. But this has been going on for a long time… I seem to remember a special on 60 minutes or 20/20 back in the 80’s about people who did this crap… All I can say is “good for them” and go back to buying my non-sale coupon free cart.

    And I am jealous of your $30 oil change. Mine cost $90, and they usually tack on another$50 worth of things that must be replaced or my car will explode in a firey death when I’m driving.

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    • I must admit, the last oil change was “high-mileage” (mechanic-speak for “yo car is OLD, yo!”) so it cost like $39.95. And let’s not forget my recent state inspection, which ended up (with all the mysterious “problems” they found) costing close to $700 . Where’s the coupon for THAT?

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  3. The first thought that sprang to my mind? You’d have PLENTY of time to saw through to an artery with your shoppers card if you were behind them.

    I won’t even use a gift certificate because it is an extra hassle for the cashier and I feel like they’re judging me for being a cheap cow. That’s why Visa backed gift cards are the best invention ever.

    I’ve never seen the show so I didn’t know about the hoarding aspect of it…which is weird because the tone of the show TOTALLY makes me think of Hoarders.

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    • I remember the hell of working in retail far too well to ever want to make the clerk’s job harder. I can just imagine, they see these coupon freaks coming and suddenly everyone is “on their break.”

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  4. I can’t even watch Hoarders without getting twitchy. I think those couponers would make me throw a shoe at the TV and, unlike them, probably, I don’t have extras stacked up in the back bedroom, next to the recycled Depends and the decade-old MoonPies.
    I do collect gargoyles, but that’s entirely different. It’s art. Especially when we play dress-up. Don’t judge me.

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    • Chuckweasel and I have decided the worst thing about the hoarders is when they get all pissy about the mess THEY MADE. This one dude kept huffing and sighing about it and we’re like, “Um, seriously? YOU DID THIS. People didn’t break into your house and leave a bunch of crap!”

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  5. That’s kinda awesome though… such a saving…do they do coupons in my town?
    I think it’s probably a very odd hobby.

    I always wish I lived a 2-minute-dash from the store rather than my 20 minute walk each-way. Then I’d go every other day and always have fresh food in for tea spend less cash and eat better. (that’s the theory anyway)

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  6. They’re just hoarders with mad shopping skillz.

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  7. Um, those people sound crazy and all, but 2,000 bite size butterfingers sounds like DA BOMB.

    Sign me up for THAT coupon!

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    • I think they got them like after Halloween, when they were already on sale, PLUS they had a shitload of coupons, PLUS it was triple-coupon day with their shopper’s card… this is SERIOUS BUSINESS, yo.

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  8. My monster-in-law is a serious hoarder, but she’s way too unorganized to keep up with coupons–Oh, she has piles and piles off newspapers that she refuses to toss because they have coupons in them she might someday use, but somehow never gets around to. She does, however, Free Cycle like a fiend. She’ll call me up and be all, “I got a sewing machine and two crockpots without lids today!” And I’m like, “Why??? You don’t sew and you already have three crockpots! With lids!” “But it was FREE!”

    This is a frightening illness.

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    • Dear Sweet Mama’s Concubine keeps magazines forever “in case she wants to read the articles.” And every now and then, DSM loses her mind and tho’ws ’em all out… and as of yet, the Concubine has yet to need one of those articles.

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  9. I am obsessed with this show. The people are nuts. I use me some coupons and sometimes try to stock up but not like this. Who the hell can use 1,000 tubes of toothpaste. Also, that guy is NOT straight!

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