Holy Jesus. Have y’all seen the new show, “Extreme Couponing?” These bitches (and yes, some of them are men… and allegedly STRAIGHT men at that, but I have my doubts there) — anyhoo, they take the frickin’ DAY OFF WORK to go to the grocery store and they have STOCKPILES of shit in their houses… some of which they don’t even USE but they had a coupon so they bought 117 of it. One bitch had NINE. GODDAMN. CARTS. and when she went to check out, the motherfucking register locked up because IT HAD EXCEEDED ITS 1,000-SCAN LIMIT. No one should ever have found out cash registers HAD a 1,000-scan limit!
They’re so into this stuff they’re actually BUYING coupons off the internet, or subscribing to a gazillion newspapers from places they don’t even live because they have good coupons. I mean, let’s do some math: 3 hours of shopping (THREE HOURS!), 3 more at checkout… Little Miss 9-Carts ended up with $1,175 worth of crap for $51. Plus the $70-some she spent buying coupons off the internet, the gas for TWO freakin’ SUV dealies she had to have to drag all her shit home… oh, and let’s not forget the ABSOLUTE FUCKING HATRED of her poor, beleagured husband…
Yeah, I get it, it’s a deal, but DAMN. They’re spending like 8 or 9 hours a day looking up sales, comparing prices, and OF COURSE, clipping fucking coupons! What’s your TIME worth? Dear Sweet Mama always taught me — You never do something yourself that would take you longer in hours (like your hourly pay at work) than you could pay somebody else to do. So, for instance, if I make $16 an hour and it would take me 2 hours (plus crying) to change the oil in the car, that would be $32. And they’ll do it for $29.95 at WalMart. ‘Nuff said.
Don’t get me wrong, I shop like a Mormon. I buy 2 of things so I can stock up, but I’m preparing for the Zombie Apocolypse, so that’s just good sense. I also only go to the store ONCE a week (mostly for catfood) and I would rather be shot in the face than have to go more often. I HATE the store, hate it hate it hate it! It’s not unusual for me to cry in the Kroger, especially if they’ve just rearranged the shelves (why must they DO that???).
One of these coupon women said flat-out she would have to leave her “stockpile” to her kids when she dies… she’s got THAT MUCH SHIT. And it’s WEIRD shit! 2,000 bite-size Butterfingers ain’t gonna save you from the ‘Pocolypse!
PS — And I would absolutely slash my wrists with my shopper’s discount card if I ever got in the checkout behind one of these crazy fucks. JUST. SHOOT. ME.