What’s Up, Doc?

You know what’s just GREAT?

When your doctor tells you your knee is — and I quote — “creepy.”  And let’s not forget the Phrase That Pays… “I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be connected.”

Yeah, I did it.  I finally gave up and went to the doctor for my jacked-up joints.  And he and his medical student threw around the word “rheumatoid” a lot more than I like, but we’ll just wait and see what the blood tests say, shall we?  At least the x-rays were okay — so the knees aren’t actually BROKEN from my supreme balance and grace.

The fun part is all my doc’s nurses are now pissed as hell at him because he joked that I was getting old and they all heard him.  The absolute sub-zero chill in their voices as they chorused “She’s 34…” warms the cockles of my old, decrepit heart (heh heh, cockles).

And of course I love to freak the doctor out.  The last GYN exam I had, he told me he couldn’t find my cervix and I told him I left it in my other pants.  So this time, he asked if I was double-jointed and I turned my feet around backwards (yeah, let’s see you fuckers with actual “cartilage” in your “joints” do something cool like that!) .  Well, that’s the price he pays for my insurance money — I’m gonna do something fucked up on each and every visit.

And now an update:

Chuckweasel’s new blog:  I’ve got him all set up and ready to go, but so far he hasn’t actually, well, blogged.  As soon as he gets on the stick, I’ll throw y’all a link.

Callie Jean:  MASSIVELY in love with a string of leftover chili cookoff tickets… it’s mere days before they’re confined to Mouseschwitz.

And y’all may have noticed Dear Sweet Mama hasn’t been around the ol’ blogosphere quite as much lately… that’s because she’s out in Oregon taking care of one of her sisters who isn’t doing too well health-wise.  But DSM is the world’s greatest nurse — sympathy and compassion with just the right touch of hardass.  Your good thoughts are appreciated, as are large crates of liquor.



Filed under Calpurnia Jean, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, WTF???

24 responses to “What’s Up, Doc?

  1. Sorry about your knees. I wish I could do something fantastical like rotate my feet. Being Double jointed is a great talent. I have always envied that attribute because I always have a moment of nausea when I witness for double jointed feat. Causing instantaneous sickness would be a super power, yeah!


  2. Eww rotated feet…really? I’m sure you can get in on the next exorcist movie and get paid thousands for that little trick 🙂 D can cross all his toes, which is icky and usually ends up with me throwing things at him as he waves them in my face.
    The only trick I ever played on my doctor was (after i broke my toes and he re-set them) “will I be able to ballet dance perfectly?” him” of course” me “cool I couldn’t before”


  3. I had an ob-gyn (which I pronounce Ahb-guyn) who used to hunker down, peer into the holeist of holeys, and say “Hello, I’m Doctor X, at your cervix.”
    Then he’d laugh and laugh and later I’d make front-end farts full of old man doctor breath.
    Ah, those were the days.

    In other news, best wishes for DSM’s sister. And tell Chuckweasel to get off his ass and post already.


  4. I used to freak people out my twisting my elbows around – then my daughter started dislocating joints like I used to. If you’ve always been “double-jointed” you might want to look up Ehlers-Danlos. Parlor tricks are cool but pain isn’t!


  5. Ah, doctors. Mine informs me every year that “ear infections are a child’s illness.” When I’m in for an ear infection. I guess my ears are immature.

    As for being old…Just yesterday we got our pension statements here at work and my coworker has WAY more months before retirement than I do. I was confused because he got here two months after me. “Oh right, I’m old,” I said when I realized I’m four years older than him at THAT would be why. He laughed. I’m glad my almost 34-ed-ness isn’t old to him.


  6. Sending good thoughts of health and healing for you and DSM’s relative!!

    That doctor is seriously lacking in bedside manner. Mine tells jokes (he brings out a tomahawk when it’s time to tap your knee), but he’s a bit old-school when it comes to medicine and treatment. I’d prefer someone a bit more modern, and integrated with Eastern medicine. But he also hands out free samples like candy.


    • I like the free samples idea… my doc is young and still “fighting the power,” so he’s all about screwing the drug companies out of their money. I hope the new rheumatologist is on board with my “Codiene-as-Tic-Tacs” philosophy….


  7. This is my first visit to HoodyHoo land, and I must say that I’m quite enjoying myself! Thanks for the fun read!
    My method for wigging out doctors is simple: I tell them how many bones I’ve broken at my tender age. Usually this is their cue to move anything breakable out of my reach.


    • a thousand welcomes, hope you stick around! (sometimes we have cake)
      I’ve never broken anything, but it’s not for lack of trying — I usually get told it’s just a “crack” or a “bone bruise” which I think is doctor-code for “Get your hands outta the narcotics jar, Hoody.”


  8. DAMN. I hope your knees get fixed soon. And you should have kicked him in the nuts when he said you were old. Sonsabitch.


    • I woulda kicked him in the nuts, but A) my knees hurt and B) I’ve found people are LESS willing to give you large amounts of the good drugs when you’ve just kicked them in the nuts. Weird.


  9. Dear Sweet Mama

    Well, I am out here in Oregon, home of medical marijuana and the would you like me to help kill you laws. Let me know how I can fix you up. Miss you sweet Hoody.


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