Listening to the crazy bassurds on the talk radio — okay, screaming, “You fucking nutbag!” at the crazy bassurds on talk radio — has got me thinking about all the weird shit I believe that I probably shouldn’t.
1. Ever since I was a little teeny girl, Dear Sweet Mama and HER Dear Sweet Mama (my Dear Sweet Grandmama) told me that “head cheese” was made from the decapitated heads of people who were killed with the guillotine during the French Revolution. They went further to explain that the reason we never bought it was because it was expensive — #1 because it was IMPORTED, and #2 because we don’t use the guillotine anymore, so there was a limited supply.
I still half-assed believe this.
2. I DO NOT believe the clerks at McDonald’s will cut the crusts off your cheeseburgers for you… even though this conversation happened.
Scene: INT, McDonald’s, lunchtime
HoodyHoo: You know, I really only like the middles. I don’t want the edges.
Chuckweasel: You can ask them to cut the crusts off for you.
HH (excited): Really? That’d be great!
<HH rises and heads for the counter, sammiches in hand>
CW (snorting with inappropriate and cruel laughter): Yeah, you can ask… they’ll tell you to go fuck yourself, but you can ASK.
<HH sits down dejectedly>
3. I actually do believe that putting a teeny bit of whiskey (less than a shot — you shouldn’t really be able to taste it) in a glass of milk will make it easier to digest. I read this in a book once, and I tried it, and it either works or I just think it does, so I’mown keep doin’ it.
4. I believe with all my heart that some books are so scary you should close them and put something heavy on top of them before you go to sleep.
5. While we’re on the subject, I also believe that monsters cannot get you if the blankets are tucked in tight at the bottom… and that people who sleep with a foot or God forbid a WHOLE LEG out are just asking for trouble.
I’m sure there will be another one of these, but right now my head hurts like there’s one of those Wrath of Khan worms in there, so I can’t concentrate. Soooo… TAG! You’re it!