Sell Me Your Bridges

Listening to the crazy bassurds on the talk radio — okay, screaming, “You fucking nutbag!” at the crazy bassurds on talk radio — has got me thinking about all the weird shit I believe that I probably shouldn’t.

1.  Ever since I was a little teeny girl, Dear Sweet Mama and HER Dear Sweet Mama (my Dear Sweet Grandmama) told me that “head cheese” was made from the decapitated heads of people who were killed with the guillotine during the French Revolution.  They went further to explain that the reason we never bought it was because it was expensive — #1 because it was IMPORTED, and #2 because we don’t use the guillotine anymore, so there was a limited supply.

I still half-assed believe this.

2.  I DO NOT believe the clerks at McDonald’s will cut the crusts off your cheeseburgers for you… even though this conversation happened.

Scene:  INT, McDonald’s, lunchtime

HoodyHoo:  You know, I really only like the middles.  I don’t want the edges.

Chuckweasel:  You can ask them to cut the crusts off for you.

HH (excited):  Really?  That’d be great!

<HH rises and heads for the counter, sammiches in hand>

CW (snorting with inappropriate and cruel laughter): Yeah, you can ask… they’ll tell you to go fuck yourself, but you can ASK.

<HH sits down dejectedly>

3.  I actually do believe that putting a teeny bit of whiskey (less than a shot — you shouldn’t really be able to taste it) in a glass of milk will make it easier to digest.  I read this in a book once, and I tried it, and it either works or I just think it does, so I’mown keep doin’ it.

4.  I believe with all my heart that some books are so scary you should close them and put something heavy on top of them before you go to sleep.

5.  While we’re on the subject, I also believe that monsters cannot get you if the blankets are tucked in tight at the bottom… and that people who sleep with a foot or God forbid a WHOLE LEG out are just asking for trouble.

I’m sure there will be another one of these, but right now my head hurts like there’s one of those Wrath of Khan worms in there, so I can’t concentrate.  Soooo… TAG!  You’re it!



Filed under Adventures with Dear Sweet Mama, I'm Confused, Random Thoughts, SCIENCE!

27 responses to “Sell Me Your Bridges

  1. Chuckweasel is hilarious.

    I believed for my entire childhood until after I was married that green beans were poisonous raw and had to be cook thoroughly before eating. This tidbit of knowledge was pass onto me by my Mother. As a young bride I went into hysterics when I saw my brand new hubby munch on a raw green bean that I was preparing for dinner. After much humiliation (mine) and laughter (his), I second guess my childhood education.


    • I believed (also thanks to Dear Sweet Mama and her creative use of the truth) that if you ate raw biscuit dough (like in the cans?) it would swell up in your stomach and explode you. Then I saw my cousin eating a WHOLE CAN worth and I was just waiting for the bang.


  2. Totally with you on #5. Blankets also protect me from being stabbed by a maniac in the middle of the night.


    • EXACTLY! It makes it very difficult when Dear Sweet Mama and I share a bed on vacation (hey, we’re cheap) — she is a whole-leg-out sleeper and I am a tucked-in-tight sleeper, PLUS she makes me sleep by the door so I’m definitely the one who’s gonna get got.


  3. Numbers 4 and 5 are absolutely true.


    My aunt told me that ghosts couldn’t get you while you whistled.



  4. My papaw told me that bad little girls get dead goat bones in their stockings at Christmas. I was in sixth grade before I heard the coal version.
    It made me sad. I had a wind-chime project all planned out.


    • Being a good lil’ redneck gal from Wes’ BYGAWD Virginny, I was always sort of excited about the possibility of coal… I mean, that shit’s worth money, right?


  5. My mom hated when we would draw on our hands with a pen so she told us we would get “ink poisoning” from it. One day when I was like 22, my friend was writing something down on her hand and I cautioned her that she would poison her blood. She asked me if I was an idiot. When I asked my mom about it later she was just like “oh yeah, I totally made that up”… Thanks for not EVER telling me mom!


  6. Haha CW is funny 🙂

    for point #4 you might want to read ‘the storybook wolves’ (it’s a kids book built on that knowledge)
    #5 is true, only people who don’t put their feet out at night are still alive to tell you the tale.
    And as for #1 I thought head cheese was made from the head of the pig or cow. Is this true or is this just some ‘little house on the prairie’ bullsheet


  7. I had a roommate that was always closing the curtains. I would be all, “Hey, it’s a nice day, let the sun in!” and open them, and within minutes she would close them again. This became a point of contention between us because she wouldn’t close them at *night* when all the neighbors could see into our garden-level apartment. Finally one day I said, “Dude! Knock it off! You are depriving me of Vitamin D!” and she said, “I don’t like dusting.” “Non-sequitur much?” I replied. “Sunlight causes dust,” was her reply.

    Apparently she picked this up from her grandma, and her argument was that you can see all that dust in streams of sunlight. This wasn’t resolved until I pointed out that you could only *see* the dust in the sunlight, and it wasn’t the cause, and by her logic, streetlights cause snow at night. She didn’t talk to me for three days.

    But blankets do protect from vampires. Totally. Until the day my brother said that he would wait till I was sleeping and expose my neck so the vampires would go after me instead of him.


    • I am a curtain-closer myself, but I do it because I don’t want people peeping at me — and I know they all want to!
      And your brother deserves a good smack if he hasn’t gotten one already. Unless he’s a vampire. Don’t smack a vampire.


  8. While traveling with my nephew and parents this summer I discovered that my family lies so much to children that it is no wonder they don’t believe anything we tell them. I said something that was totally true and my mother followed that up with three lies…obviously believing that I had lied to. I had to go back and say, “no, REALLY, there are more of the Black Hills in Wyoming than South Dakota. Not a joke.”


    • Let this be a lesson for Chuckweasel and Dear Sweet Mama — they have told me so many outrageous lies that I now question EVERYTHING they tell me. And they have to prove things are true, because I always think it’s just another lie!


  9. When my sister and I acted-up, my father would threaten to trade us in for “good kids”. We said, “Nuh-uh, you can’t do that.” He promptly explained that he could and there was a catalog, which only parents could see, where he could pick out new kids, and send us in for the trade.

    We believed this for a long time, until we told my mother once when we got really worried. After she stopped laughing her head off, she told us he was making it up.


    • Whoa. Dear Sweet Mama used to threaten to sell me to gypsies or the circus (neither of which sounded all that bad, if you think about it), but even she never made up a CATALOG! Points for your dad!


  10. SassyO

    I believed with all my heart that if you were driving by a cemetery, you HAD to hold your breath the whole length of it, or someone’s ghost could leap out of their grave, into your mouth, and possess you.


  11. Victoria

    Yes, the blanket thing. Although mine was that it had to be tucked up tightly under my chin and up over my ears or the vampires would get me. I still have a hard time falling asleep with my neck exposed.


    • I had to be tucked in tight with only my head out, and I couldn’t open my eyes or my mouth or the light would glint off them and the monsters would see me. I was a very strange child.


  12. I remember reading “It” when it first came out and being scared to death at night. Then it turned out to be a spider and I got all pissed. What a roller coaster of emotion that book is.

    Your Dear Sweet Mama is awesome.


    • But “It” is an ALIEN spider, and also Tim Curry, so still scary, no? And DSM is truly the most awesome person I know, and the source of any awesomeness I may possess.


  13. Rachael

    I could not sleep with “IT” in my room at night. The book had to be physically removed. Also, if reading it downstairs after my parents went to bed, I had to run straight for and run directly up the stairs WITHOUT LOOKING BACK BECAUSE IT WOULD GET ME. I was 15.


  14. Pingback: Step By Step | hoodyhoo

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