Rev Up the Mystery Machine!

I have several questions rolling around in my head this morning for some reason, so I’m gonna let y’all help me with them.

1.  Why is it NOT okay for me to dress up as a Poorly-Behaved 1950’s Housewife for Halloween (according to Chuckweasel), but is IS okay for Chuckweasel to tell the water company repairman that I’ll be home when he comes to work on it because he doesn’t let me leave the house?  I’ll have you know, I CHOOSE not to leave the house, because going outside involves interacting with, as Lee Ann so aptly puts it, “the GenPop.”  And Hoody don’t play that.

2.  Why does Callie Jean’s voice completely change between her regular, “Hey, Mom, make with the Easy Cheese,” meow she uses with me to a deep, kinda slutty “Hey, Sailor,” throaty voice when she sings to her stray cat boyfriends?  And why does she only sing to the boyfriends when I’m at work — she’ll do it in front of Chuckweasel, but not me.

3.  Why am I always starving plumb to death at work where there is no food (at least not that you would want to eat), but when I get home where there IS food I don’t want any?

4.  Why isn’t there a number 4?

5.  What’s with Fred’s neckerchief?

Answers expected in the form of an essay or chemical formula.  Please show your work.



Filed under Calpurnia Jean, I'm Confused, Random Thoughts

16 responses to “Rev Up the Mystery Machine!

  1. #1 cracked me up! But #5…I’m not sure we’ll ever know the answer to that.


  2. It’s the mystery of the ages… and you notice, that slut Daphne wears one, too… they must be in a gang. Or they’re vampires.


  3. I always thought that Fred wore an ascot and was secretly gay. Have you really really watched him run? I rest my case.


  4. Sorry, no essays from this chick!
    However, when you figure out the answer to the starving question and why at home we aren’t hungry, please send me an email. I have looked at my classmate at one time and imagined her as a bowl of guacamole.


  5. 1. Because ChuckWeasel needs to walk a mile in your slutty pumps vis a vis the GenPop, then he’d understand.
    2. Because cats think they’re “teaching” us something. Mainly that having a cat makes you eventually go bananas.
    3. Because other peoples’ food always tastes better. This inexplicable issue has kept the Food Taster To The King industry alive and well lo these many years.
    4. Orange
    5. Because Fred hides his cocaine in the folds. Why do you think the rest of them tolerate him?


  6. Dear Sweet Mama

    I thought Fred wwas gay before I even knew what gay was. Actually, I thought he was kinda hot, which definintely means he is either gay or a priest in disguise. I finally worked that out with the concubine. I never want my own food.


    • It is weird that I used to be able to play “Spot the Priest” just by waiting until you said, “Oh, he’s kinda hot.” And you wonder why I’m wearing such trashy shoes!


  7. Seriously now, do you use your slutty “hey sailor” voice with YOUR mother? Wait. No. Don’t answer that.


    • Um… you know the other day when I was all hoarse from woo-hooing? Dear Sweet Mama told me I sounded “hot in a phone-sex kind of way.” She now owes me $3.99 a minute.


  8. I think #2 is because she doesn’t want you to know she’s dating/whoring and also because in her little kitty brain as your alpha girl, you might just lure them away! My girls used to make cat-calls at D!! They’d roll around in front of him sticking their bums in the air and it.was.hilarious…for everyone except D. I knew we should have hidden bedroom antics from them when they were kittens, clearly we’ve scarred them for life.


    • My sister-cat who lives with DSM and the concubine lurrrrves men, but she doesn’t get to see many because, well, Kitty Has Two Mommies. So she contents herself by rubbing herself on their windows and flirting with foxes… yes, foxes. Cat ain’t right.


  9. Jennifer

    1. I love the costume idea and would steal it if I could do make-up bruises.
    2. Cats live to make you nuts.
    3. I never want home food. Which sucks because I’m always home and hungry.
    4. Without 4 their would be no 42.
    5. Don’t know Fred.


    • I really wish someone would invent the food thing like they have on Star Trek — ’cause even when you order food, you don’t want it by the time it gets there. It really needs to appear INSTANTLY.


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