As we all know — and as the last post title pretty much confirms — I’m not the churchiest gal you’ll ever hope to meet. So probably the Oriental Trading Company (fine purveyors of kitschy crap for party decorations etc) should not have sent me their Easter and Sunday School catalog… but they did. And that’s how I came to see the WORST. THING. EVER.
That, my friends, is the Jesus Ascension Craft Kit. It’s a string, with Jesus on the one end and a cloud or some shit on the other, and in the middle, there’s a Dixie cup with clouds on it. Yeah, I think you’re picking up what I’m laying down — you yank on the string to suck ol’ J.C. up to Heaven.
Holy. Fuckballs. Really, Christians? 2,000-plus years and THIS is all you’ve got? You pull a string and your leader disappears into a cup? NO ONE WANTS TO GET ASSUMPTED INTO A CUP!
So I guess, if you go to make you a drink today… make sure you look down in the cup first to make sure you don’t drown Jesus. And if you SEE Jesus, it’s probably a good idea to tell Him you had nothing to do with the invention of the Ascension Craft Kit.
‘Cause He’s bound to be kinda ticked.