What WOULDN’T Jesus Do?

As we all know — and as the last post title pretty much confirms — I’m not the churchiest gal you’ll ever hope to meet.  So probably the Oriental Trading Company (fine purveyors of kitschy crap for party decorations etc) should not have sent me their Easter and Sunday School catalog… but they did.  And that’s how I came to see the WORST. THING. EVER.

Jesus' Ascension Craft Kit

That, my friends, is the Jesus Ascension Craft Kit.  It’s a string, with Jesus on the one end and a cloud or some shit on the other, and in the middle, there’s a Dixie cup with clouds on it.  Yeah, I think you’re picking up what I’m laying down — you yank on the string to suck ol’ J.C. up to Heaven.

Holy. Fuckballs.  Really, Christians?  2,000-plus years and THIS is all you’ve got?  You pull a string and your leader disappears into a cup?  NO ONE WANTS TO GET ASSUMPTED INTO A CUP!

So I guess, if you go to make you a drink today… make sure you look down in the cup first to make sure you don’t drown Jesus.  And if you SEE Jesus, it’s probably a good idea to tell Him you had nothing to do with the invention of the Ascension Craft Kit.

‘Cause He’s bound to be kinda ticked.



Filed under I'm Confused, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

15 responses to “What WOULDN’T Jesus Do?

  1. AH ha ha ha. You know crafts just get worse and worse. I suspect there will be a lot of vacation bible schools this summer when the troops will be making the little ascension cup kits.

    Actually you could take this in some many ways. You could ascend Superman or I would like to ascend Wolverine, I know he doesn’t fly but he can live in my cup anytime.

    oh oh and you could play alien abduction. I say order it.


    • hmmm… I never thought about that. It does say it’s a “kit,” so you must assemble it yourself, which means you could ascend anything you wanted (as long as it fits in the cup).


  2. It just means that 2000 years later, the reasonable minds of our time can’t come up with any explanation for this event. But they sure can sell strings and a cup.



    • I keep hearing my Dear Sweet Mama’s voice in my head — “They want $7.99 for THAT? I could make THAT.” Which is what she chants incessantly at craft fairs, even though I’m fairly certain she doesn’t know how to blow glass.


  3. Sometimes I like the decorations in that catalog, especially over the summer. I think things like “I need to throw a luau-theme party just so I can buy 50 coconut-shaped cups.” I have yet to act on these impulses.


  4. Dear Sweet Mama

    I am still thinking about Lazurus monte. See, the wonderful things you learn because my concubine is a priest. God is good.


  5. I think I made that in second grade, except my Jesus was a velociRAPTURE.


  6. I think the worst part of it is the freakish cartoon sun…I don’t re-call a smiley face sun *anywhere* in the Bible…but then the only thing I ever remember from summer Bible Camp was talking about bologna sandwiches. I am a Bible Camp Fail.


    • at Catholic Church Camp (the one time I went), we drank the unconsecrated Communion wine (which is NASTY!) and I got thrown off a horse into a barbed wire fence. Those 2 things were surprisingly unrelated.


  7. Chuckweasel

    Please order 12 of these wonderful creations for my DJ booth. 🙂


  8. Pingback: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year | hoodyhoo

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