The HoodyHoo Diet

First off, stop that laughing, I totally hear that!  Secondly, the word “diet” just means “what you eat” — the weight-loss connotation doesn’t HAVE to be there.  And believe me, in my case, it’s not.

So yesterday we talked about all the places I like to eat when I’m out and about… but we all know, there’s always another side to the things we eat… a side that’s just as real… but not as brightly lit… a DARK SIDE, if you will…

Brrr, just freaked myself out.  Anyhoo, in the interest of honesty, I cannot allow y’all to go on imagining me eating every meal in a posh restaurant or other public setting… here’s the stuff I eat when no one’s watching.

1.  Braunschweiger on toast.  Yes, it’s spreadable pork liver pate.  Yes, it tastes and smells exactly like what it is.  And Dear Sweet Mama used to forbid it from being in the house, but now she eats it, too.  In your FACE!

2.  DSM did break me of eating Kippered Snacks (fish in a can), but now The Concubine eats HERRING in the CAR!  Karma’s a bitch, DSM.

3.  My Gramps (DSM’s daddy) taught me the love of Vienna Sausages — especially if you take them with your fingers and mash them on a Saltine cracker.

4.  Potted Meat and Deviled Ham — yes, please.  Spam or Treet — oh, HELL to the no!

5.  As a child, I used to eat Mayonaisse Sandwiches — which, since I thought Miracle Whip WAS mayonaisse (I know better now), consisted of Miracle Whip on white bread.  With the crusts cut off, duh.

6.  That may have been the genesis of the White Food Diet — I went through a spell in elementary school where I would only eat white foods.  You know, mashed potatoes, rolls, etc.  This resulted in my Evil Nazi Gym Teacher calling DSM in for a meeting to ask if we were racist.  True story.  No wonder DSM drinks.

7.  Catfish Compote — DSM actually likes this, too, and it’s very good — it just looks nasty.  It’s Cajun catfish fried in a skillet, served with creamed corn and broccoli rice au gratin… and then mooshed all together once you get it on your plate.  Trust me, it’s better that way.  Come over, I’ll make you some.

Which brings us to the Queen of All the Nasty Shit Hoody Eats… Weenie Delight.  Weenie Delight was born when a young Hoody Hoo discovered that when you have hot dogs for dinner, you always run out of buns before you run out of hot dogs.  Knowing, as she did, that hot dogs are sausages, and further knowing that sausages are always better if you dip them in syrup… yes, I sliced up the hot dogs and boiled them in a pan with water and maple syrup.  And it’s GOOD, so fuck off. 

 But it does tend to eat the Teflon off the pan.

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21 Comments

Filed under La Vida Loca, My Secret Shame(s), Random Thoughts

21 responses to “The HoodyHoo Diet

  1. I am a closet potted meat eater, I like to dip raw cauliflower in the can. So that almost makes it healthy.

    Hot dogs in maple syrup juice, pure culinary genius.

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  2. hmmm… I’ve never tried potted meat with a vegetable… only as a sammich or on crackers. To the Store!

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  3. I always thought Miracle Whip was mayo, too! That’s what I grew up on, so I blame my parents for the miseducation.

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  4. I used to love me some potted meat on saltines when I was a kid. But now that I can read the label, not so much.

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  5. I like a nice piece of Lemon tart or a carcass of beef for a light snack

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  6. Dear Sweet Mama

    mmmm – potted meat – secret food for when the concubine is away. I almost bought some of those tamales in a jar yesterday – wonder if they are still as good as they were now that I am no longer as drunk as I was. And I could do with some catfish compote. But weenie delight – not so much. After seeing what it does to the pan, I am afraid I may still have it adhered to the sides of my colon. Hmmm – is that what they biopsied post colonoscopy?

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    • the tamales are in fact even BETTER when you’re sober, because then you remember to take the paper wrappers off! And you still drink Coke, and Coke will eat bologna, so I don’t wanna hear you slandering Weenie Delight! If you apologize, I will make you Catfish Compote when you come visit.

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  7. Eww most of it sounds fishy and I hate me most fishes 😦 I am interested in the weenie delight though 🙂

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  8. Mmm. Vienna sausages. YES. And a big YES to fried Spam sandwiches — with lettuce and Miracle Whip on toast! — as well.

    Pearl

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    • I don’t do fried Spam, but I do go to the craft fair sometimes for the sole purpose of getting an enormous fried bologna sammich with mayo, lettuce and onions… HEAVEN!

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  9. You’re mom should have told the gym teacher, “You should see what she does when I burn her toast!” What a nitwit!

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    • this was the same crazy bitch who tried to get me expelled after I bit a girl on the arm… TO MAKE HER STOP CHOKING ME. Guess I shoulda just waited to pass out?

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  10. So…I can’t help but notice…you don’t need teeth to eat anything on this list. Coincidence? Or part of an ingenious plan?

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    • oh, man, I didn’t realize that until just now… and the most recent thing I ate was refried beans with cheese and lettuce (also tooth-optional). But at least I’m already prepared for the retirement home!

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  11. Pingback: Could You BE Any Wrongerer? | hoodyhoo

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