First off, stop that laughing, I totally hear that! Secondly, the word “diet” just means “what you eat” — the weight-loss connotation doesn’t HAVE to be there. And believe me, in my case, it’s not.
So yesterday we talked about all the places I like to eat when I’m out and about… but we all know, there’s always another side to the things we eat… a side that’s just as real… but not as brightly lit… a DARK SIDE, if you will…
Brrr, just freaked myself out. Anyhoo, in the interest of honesty, I cannot allow y’all to go on imagining me eating every meal in a posh restaurant or other public setting… here’s the stuff I eat when no one’s watching.
1. Braunschweiger on toast. Yes, it’s spreadable pork liver pate. Yes, it tastes and smells exactly like what it is. And Dear Sweet Mama used to forbid it from being in the house, but now she eats it, too. In your FACE!
2. DSM did break me of eating Kippered Snacks (fish in a can), but now The Concubine eats HERRING in the CAR! Karma’s a bitch, DSM.
3. My Gramps (DSM’s daddy) taught me the love of Vienna Sausages — especially if you take them with your fingers and mash them on a Saltine cracker.
4. Potted Meat and Deviled Ham — yes, please. Spam or Treet — oh, HELL to the no!
5. As a child, I used to eat Mayonaisse Sandwiches — which, since I thought Miracle Whip WAS mayonaisse (I know better now), consisted of Miracle Whip on white bread. With the crusts cut off, duh.
6. That may have been the genesis of the White Food Diet — I went through a spell in elementary school where I would only eat white foods. You know, mashed potatoes, rolls, etc. This resulted in my Evil Nazi Gym Teacher calling DSM in for a meeting to ask if we were racist. True story. No wonder DSM drinks.
7. Catfish Compote — DSM actually likes this, too, and it’s very good — it just looks nasty. It’s Cajun catfish fried in a skillet, served with creamed corn and broccoli rice au gratin… and then mooshed all together once you get it on your plate. Trust me, it’s better that way. Come over, I’ll make you some.
Which brings us to the Queen of All the Nasty Shit Hoody Eats… Weenie Delight. Weenie Delight was born when a young Hoody Hoo discovered that when you have hot dogs for dinner, you always run out of buns before you run out of hot dogs. Knowing, as she did, that hot dogs are sausages, and further knowing that sausages are always better if you dip them in syrup… yes, I sliced up the hot dogs and boiled them in a pan with water and maple syrup. And it’s GOOD, so fuck off.
But it does tend to eat the Teflon off the pan.